Hi there, not sure which disorder my husband fits

[dez333]

Hi there and thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.  I'm new here and so glad to find this site.  I'm really hoping someone can help me pinpoint my husband's disorder as I'm worried my son might start to develop the same toxic traits and are considering talking about divorce.

If you ask my husband about his childhood, he will say that it was happy and that he loves his family.  He's also very protective of them, which would normally not be an issue until you learn about how he was raised. 
His father was an abusive alcoholic.  He didn't just physically beat him, he also constantly made fun of him and berated him for every little mistake.  His mom finally divorced him when my husband was 9.  From there on, he rarely saw his dad and when he did, it wasn't quality time.  More like, his dad was just there and drank beer while watching tv and the boys (Husband has an older brother) would do their own thing. 
Once his mom became a single mother, she was constantly working in order to provide so she was kind of absent.  But when she was present, she exhibited narcissistic traits - silent treatment for days or weeks at a time when she was mad at them, never gave affection, love was conditional upon how well the boys behaved.  One Christmas Eve, she came home from work to a dirty house and she lost it and kicked the boys out of the house for about 6 hours.  Since Husband's brother was older, he went to a friend's house.  Being 11 years old, and had nowhere to go so he sat at the end of the street until midnight when he snuck back into his house to go to sleep.

Husband's older brother was a textbook bully to him.  Beat him up, made fun of him, moderately tortured him (he is severely claustrophobic because of the times his brother would trap him in the toybox for hours.  But nobody else was allowed to bully him or else his brother would kick butt. 

To help raise the boys while she was at work, Husband's grandparents (his mom's parents) stepped in.  They were not typical grandparents.  His grandmother was a very cold and un-nurturing woman and his grandfather was a military man.  My husband absolutely admired and looked up to his grandfather.  Even though he was super strict and stingy with his love/praise, he played a huge part in helping to shape my husband into a man.  However, I don't necessarily agree with his methods.

Being a military man, he used military methods on his grandkids.  If Husband wanted to swim in their pool, he first had to earn it by moving a huge pile of rocks from one side to the other, one by one.  If he needed money for school, he first had to earn it by washing all the rocks on the roof. 

Basically, my husband grew up never having his physical or emotional needs met and was constantly mocked or criticized for being himself.

Now that he's a 43 year old man, he exhibits a lot of traits which, individually, might not be so bad.  But all together, create a potentially toxic person.

The disorder I can say for sure he has is anxiety attachment.  Basically, he's emotionally immature, clingy, needy, has no boundaries, constantly stresses over everything, high strung, gets anxious when we fight, has low self esteem, gets defensive, is passive-aggressiv, and uses the toxic parenting he was raised with on our kids.  These are the main issues we deal with WITHIN our relationship.

Outside of our relationship, he exhibits traits that I believe might be fit for a sociopath.  Or maybe something else, but hopefully one of you can help me with that.  He lies anytime he thinks he might be in the slightest bit of trouble.  Makes big financial decisions and doesn't tell me and then lies over and over to keep me from finding out.  He steals things that we can afford.  He keeps secrets about things he's done and who he is (I have no doubt that he would take it upon himself to kill someone if they were a bad enough person - rapist, child abuser, etc.).  He sometimes takes wreckless risks like extreme speeding on the freeway or driving a motorcycle while drunk.  He's mentioned to me more than once that if he were to ever lose me, he would kill himself since there would be no point living without me.  He is unable to control his anger sometimes and will completely go off on a stranger - yell at an old woman for paying with a check in a grocery store, call someone a fat bitch if she is being rude to a waiter.  He almost always does it in defense of someone or to point out to them how inconsiderate they're being.  Basically, he takes action on the things the rest of us wish we could do in frustrating situations but don't because of social norms. 

Though I might be portraying him as a royal jerk, I have to tell you he is a wonderful man when his disorder isn't on display, which is 90% of the time.  He's hilarious, smart, helpful, generous, and has a soft spot for animals and old people.  And he's such a great husband to me - very attentive, makes me his whole world and would do literally anything for me.  However, I also think that might be part of his disorder - clinging to the person he loves most and is entirely co-dependent on them.

If it weren't for his emotional immaturity (takes EVERYTHING personally to where I have to walk on eggshells or bite my tongue to keep from hurting his feelings) and him getting defensive EVERY SINGLE TIME I bring up an issue, we would have an almost perfect marriage.  But we have 7 1/2 years of unresolved arguments that keep getting rehashed and then swept away because the issue always turns into him playing the victim and/or turning it around on me. 

As much as I love him, our fights only get worse and I'm so tired of never being able to resolve anything.  Plus, I don't want our kids (my son specifically) to start picking up his dad's traits. 

If possible, please help.

[Starboard Song]

This is so hard in so many ways. I can hear your anguish, and your desire to help and to protect.

The best diagnosis is right there in your post:

• He lies to cover up weakness or impulsiveness
• He engages in petty theft
• He takes reckless risks
• He lacks confidence and emotional independence

I don't mean to be judging your husband, but paraphrasing you. You did a good job describing the patterns you see.

What matters in your post, it seems to me, is that you are not describing someone who is a terror to live with, but who is nonetheless potentially toxic. I'd encourage you to do something very hard: think of this as a very tactical matter. There are behaviors that are unacceptable, and you'd  like those to not impact you, or negatively condition your children.

Head over to our [li][/li][/list]]Toolbox and read through the What To Do and What Not To Do pages. They are like an index to a PhD curriculum in dealing with difficult, toxic, or disordered personalities. Others will be along with other advice: books, possible a therapist, and so on. But start by educating yourself about what works and what doesn't. You are likely to spot behavior patterns that you'd never noticed. Management tactics really can work. I wish you so much good strength.