They’re starting uNPDm on hospice.

[Seven]

I've been quiet since UBPDmil passed away in November and uNPDm being in a private care home in sunny state after her hip fracture.

uNPDm had an issue a couple of weeks ago.  The whole side of her face puffed out like a chipmunk. Of course this video chat via Sis2 came on the day when I had a big event (right on cue with the sabotage) , so I actually didn't answer that chat, but firmly stated in the words of WI "you're harshing my mellow.  And by mellow I mean I'm already freaking out and I don't need to be in whatever conversation this is". We had just had a video chat the day before, so I knew it wasn't going to be good. Anyway, the house doctor put her on an abx, they called a travel dentist in but it would be another week, and then another week before her broken tooth could be extracted.  Extraction was 3 days ago.

They had to give her an oral sedative and Novocain, otherwise she'd fight everything.

Bro and SIL6 were already scheduled to come down, but Sis2 called them "can you come a day earlier so I don't have to be alone if something happens". Like she was in freak-out mode. So they came a day earlier and were there for the extraction.  Since then uNPDm went downhill.  She had been declining for a few months with weight loss, etc, but with this tooth extraction she didn't "come out of it" as fast as one normally would. As of this morning she wouldn't leave her bed to eat, didn't have breakfast, would cough up even fluids, heavy breathing chest X-rays shows bronchitis so she's on an abx for that now.  I'm not even sure a chest X-ray would show bronchitis, but more pneumonia, as with a bad swallow she could end up with aspiration pneumonia (you heard it from me first). Bro5 showed her on the video chat this morning and it looked like she wouldn't make it the night. Trying to speak but can't like her tongue is swollen (but isn't)  Literally 10 minutes later she's sitting up and eating soup and yogurt. TF?!  The head of the facility said it's time to call in hospice.  That this is what end of life looks like.

Seeing her in bed barely able to breath really upset me.  It reminded me of what MIL looked like on the vent, but without the vent.  But the aspiration pneumonia is always in the back of my mind.

Final expenses are finally being arranged even though I asked Sis5 to do that years ago.

Sis/BIL1 and myself were already scheduled to fly down latter part of this month.  That may or may not change.

My kids have been informed.  Some of moms friends still near me have been informed. Emotions all over the place. Everyone hanging up from the video chat "love you mom". I couldn't do it.  It's not that I refused.  The words just wouldn't come out. Kind of hard to say that to a parent who never once said those words to us as kids or even as adults.  "But I love all my......" (sons). And "I don't have daughters!  I only have sons!"

It's funny though, the dementia didn't really seem to change the underlying person.  She still prefers males to females.  She still rolls her eyes in the "oh come on" kind of way when she knows you're being sarcastic. It's like the personality never forgets who it is, even if the person can't remember who they are.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. 

[hhaw]

Be kind to yourself, Seven.  Boundaries and self care come first. 

[Sneezy]

I'm sorry, Seven - sending you peaceful thoughts tonight.  Take care of yourself.

[Andeza]

Just hugs for you, hon. Remember there's not really a right or wrong way to face/feel about this. You're going to feel what you feel and handle it however you do. And that's fine. We're here to walk alongside you as you find out what the situation means for you.

[SunnyMeadow]

Thinking of you Seven, this is hard stuff to go through. Please take care of yourself.

[Hilltop]

Thinking of you, it's a hard place to be.  Take care of yourself.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Sending you my support, Seven.

Interesting what you said about the dementia not changing the underlying person. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of you.   

[Seven]

Thought I would bump this instead of starting a new thread.

She's finally winding down, meaning she maybe has a week to go.  The drama started last Saturday. I won't get into that because it's so tiring. Even Bro6 said he's tired of it, and thats saying a lot. She was suppose to be dying in February and then again in March. LBD (Lewy bodies) a shitty rollercoaster to ride.

April is normally the "death month" for her side of the family, but she made it through that.

She may as well have cancer. She is literally a skeleton in a diaper. The edema started weeks ago. Shes lucky to get a whole bottle of Ensure in her per day. It's really a sad sight.

Timing couldn't be worse though. I have an event coming up mid-June and I told Sis4 that I'm going to this event so there better not be funeral arrangements planned for that weekend.  She's going to be cremated and then her and my father interred together in a mausoleum in FL where my nephew is.  I reminded Sis4 of the resentment I harbor for my mother regarding my sons wedding and her treatment of me thereafter (amongst other things). And I'll be damned if she's going to sabotage this event for me AGAIN, consciously or not. Of course Sis4 is all "it was the disease" (referring to the wedding) but made it clear I did not need to defend myself to her, which was actually a shock.  Sis4 did say that if I felt the need to come back down for closure her door would be open.  I reminded her that was the March trip and I can't be like Bro3 and hop a plane every time Sis2 cries wolf (hence the drama) because how many more times is she about to die?

But after I hung up the phone with her I did a thing. Like my husband before me,  I forgave my mother (just not to her face). I didn't forgive her for specific things, but more of a blanket forgiveness.  I pity her and her unfulfilled life.  I did it for me because I'm tired of being tired. This last week has been an utter emotional drain. I've had to tell my sons to prepare for her death, and the entire family is on pins and needles just waiting for it to happen.

The hospice nurse is like, "Gods not ready to take her yet". And it's sickening to watch (every time there's a visit Sis2 does a video chat so everyone can see her). If it were a pet, we'd put an end to it's suffering, but unfortunately we can't do that with a human.

I just woke up from a 10 hour coma. I could sleep 10 more.

And Bro3 just now pulled a memory from my FB from last Memorial Day when a bunch of us were in WPB to see mom and celebrate the holiday. Wow, what a difference a year makes.  Makes me wonder if today is the day. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Emotional drain is right and you've been drained for a long time Seven. I hope her passing is quick and peaceful.

They had better not plan the funeral for the time you will be at your event, especially since you've told Sis about it in no uncertain terms. I thought it was my stepdad's last day for several days but that was not the case and it took longer than expected. My FIL just passed and he went quicker and with less struggle.

Thinking of you as you go through the emotions and anxiety of her last days.

Hugs for you.

[nanotech]

Thinking of you. Do the best that you can with what you have to give, and no more.  Do you have to watch the video chats? Hmmmm. Take a step back if you need to. I've been there with this, and it's gruelling.  The hardest part is the day to day uncertainty. Everyone's emotions are sky high. Family start to regress, and to compete.
Sis2 sounds like she's going for the trophy for 'Caring The Most'. 
I'm glad you're  at a point where blanket forgiveness is emerging. While it's sad, it's kinda final in a good way, and it leads us away from reactivity.
Thinking of you. 

[Pepin]

The hospice nurse is like, "Gods not ready to take her yet". And it's sickening to watch (every time there's a visit Sis2 does a video chat so everyone can see her). If it were a pet, we'd put an end to it's suffering, but unfortunately we can't do that with a human.

I just woke up from a 10 hour coma. I could sleep 10 more.

My husband and I have talked at length about this for our own end of life wishes and that neither of us want to go out like this if it can be helped - especially watching FIL go through it and then MIL who took weeks before her body quit without nourishment. She was on a cocktail of painkillers and sedatives.  It was exhausting for DH to watch his parents go through this and even though CN MIL wasn't my favorite person, it was a truly undignified way to go in my opinion. 

As she was lying there and I visited her for the last time, I quietly said a few things in my head with my eyes closed.  It was such a pity that she was who she was - same thought as you with your mother.  I forgave myself for not being who she wanted in a DIL.  Her behavior towards my younger adult self changed me likely forever.  I'll never be able to unsee how she behaved towards me and how damaging and hurtful it was.  I didn't deserve the treatment yet I took it anyway thinking that perhaps I deserved it in order to be with the man that I loved - because nothing in my life prior to DH had been easy either.  I chalked her behavior up to being "just different."  I learned later that it was just as bad -- if not worse than how I had been raised.  Therefore, not only did I have to forgive my inner child, I had to forgive my younger adult self as well. 

Do I forgive who she was?  No.  She had choices all along to take action if she really wanted to - particularly when MANY family members compassionately urged her to.  Her constant refusal for any sort of self care spoke volumes about how she treated herself and how it extended onto everyone else around her.  Every single person was a pawn to her delusional fantasy. 

Thinking of you as you navigate this delicate time.   

[justducky]

Interesting what you said about the dementia not changing the underlying person.

This tracks with my experiences with my uPD father the year or so before he died of a treatable cancer (that he refused to see a doctor for 'cause uPD). He was a miserable bully before dementia became obvious and stayed that way with dementia.

Seven, I'm thinking of you. Please take good care of yourself through this difficult time. 

[Amadahy]

Much love, Seven.  We're with you.

[Seven]

Forgot to mention on the last post when the drama started, Sis2 had called SIL3 and then all of a sudden Bro3 is hopping a plane the next day (Sunday a week ago).  So it's been Sis2 and Bro3 for the last 1+ weeks down there with Sis4 only a few hours away.

Much more drama ensued on Sunday (two days ago).  Sis1 flew down again (scheduled) and drove with Sis4 to visit.  Sis2 had dinner ready for everyone. Bro3 still there (evidently open ended ticket,  whyyyyyy?)  Sis2 Already made plans for a wake without the input from anyone else. The location she picked is fine, but point being she got no input from anyone else except maybe Bro3 since he was there. Hospice has asked that there only be one point of contact and she determined "she" was it even though Bro6 has medical POA.

Sis4 finally got the balls to call her out on her martyr syndrome.  Bro3 was like "oh shit" and it just exploded from there. Of course Sis2 is looking for validation from everyone else there, but wasn't getting it.  So what did she do?  She called SIL3 again and now SIL3 is hopping a plane today. SIL3 is a practicing psychologist. 

My DH said this whole thing is going to cause NC between people. He's probably not wrong.

Sis2 is my mother amplified by 1000x. Has to know everything everyone is doing. Has to be in absolute control of every situation. She is her mother's daughter.  What's funny is Sis2 can't stand my mother and vice versa.  They are a reflection of each other and they don't like what they see. And I'm sitting here wondering since eF, uNPDm, and myself moved away 35 years ago and Sis2 hasn't been around her in that long of time, how in the hell did she end up being just like uNPDm but even worse?

I told Sis2 years ago when she was offended that uNPDm didn't pick her to live with after making poor decisions that Sis2 was lucky.  That she dodged a bullet. She doesn't want this.  I kept saying "Sis2 you don't want this!" BUT she had to play the martyr card.

And here I sit trying to observe and not absorb.

I have gotten a bunch of much needed sleep and am not in the same emotional state I was last week.

I think I may poke the bear though and ask to see the urn/box they pick out for mom just to see what kind of reply I get.

[Pepin]

My DH said this whole thing is going to cause NC between people. He's probably not wrong.

Oh, Lord.    Went through the same when CN MIL was in hospice.  And guess what?  The family is now divided and NC.  During hospice, DH's sister was more attentive than ever, behaving herself and suddenly having the time to be present - all in hopes of an estate payout.     DELUSIONAL.

I predicted NC would happen as soon as the will was revealed and here we are.  Just waiting for everyone to cool off and point fingers towards CN MIL who obviously was the cause of all of this.  That being said, the damage is done.  I don't see mended sibling relationships.  And personally I'm ok with that because that's a whole other can of dysfunction that needs to stay out of my marriage and life. 

[Sneezy]

My DH said this whole thing is going to cause NC between people. He's probably not wrong.

Your DH is almost certainly right about this.  And that's not necessarily a bad thing.  Things will be changing in your family as your mother passes.  It's a good time to decide who you want to stay in contact with and to what extent you want to stay in contact with them.

Hang in there and continue to take care of yourself.   

[Seven]

So I did it.  I poked the bear on the family chat. Sis’s 1&4 were like “did Seven do that on purpose?”  Absolutely. Because the response I got was going to determine how I proceed with relationships going forward.  I just said I wanted to be part of the decision-making process. Not that I actually care what type of urn she’s put in.  Though I did bring up that I’d like both dad and her in a shared urn, which was unanimously agreed upon.

Bro3 made sure the family chat had pics and opinions from everyone.

In the meantime we got the call from hospice mid-morning that she’s not doing well, they’ve stopped her food and water, put her on O2 and morphine and 24hr RN care.  So we’ve got anywhere from 2-72 hours.

Bro3 thought it might be a good idea to video chat with everyone individually so we can say “goodbye”.  Ummm. No. Especially with the two of them listening. Not comfortable with that. Plus, I said my piece last week...just not to her face.

Pepin, I feel you.  Her estate will be handled by responsible people and it’s split 7 ways, so it won’t leave much for each of us. It’s just a reminder that she never chose to take care of her kids even in death. We shouldn’t even be having a discussion over her urn.  This should’ve been taken care of long before this point. But nope...she’s invincible.

Now Im exhausted all over again.

[Seven]

Well, she passed at 630 last night. The siblings did not make it in time but there's been no finger pointing. Lord, just get me through the next week. Actually, most likely the next month.

[moglow]

Breathe, Seven. Hoping all find peace, while you hold on to yours. Pds typically don't handle "events" well so I'm praying it's anticlimactic and calm for everyone.

[SunnyMeadow]

Seven - hoping you have calm and peace in these next few weeks.

♥