Red flag? “I’m going to need you to…..”

[bohemian butterfly]

I recently got out of a six-year relationship, and never thought I would date again (ironically one of the things he used to say was, "Im going to need you to.....")

A man that I knew briefly in high school recently reconnected with me on Facebook. And when I say, "briefly knew" it means I barely knew him. This guy had a crush on me, (in high school) but I didn't know who he was, one day he handed me an envelope and inside were some laminated cards of a cartoon he had drawn, asking me out on a date. It was super sweet and creative, but I was dating someone at the time, so we did not go out. Eight years ago,  we bumped into each other at my apartment complex while we were both walking dogs, he was there as a guest, his girlfriend at the time lived there. Once again, we did not connect, but we are still strangers at this point anyways.  A few years ago he sent me a text, but I didn't reply because I was in a relationship. Again, we are basically strangers that have randomly crossed paths a few times.

So fast forward to last Saturday when I randomly received a Facebook Messenger text from him.  Well,  I'm single so I replied and we texted back-and-forth for over five hours. I felt high from the attention. But at five hours of intense texting, I stopped myself, recognizing the very familiar feeling/pattern of too much too fast (disclosing personal things too quickly to a person I barely know!  To a person that I haven't even gone out on a first date with!) Pretty much as soon as I thought this, the texting veered off a bit. He said two things that felt like a punch in the gut. Mind you, I have a fear of enmeshment, so sometimes I question whether or not I'm being "too sensitive." But I definitely felt a surge of anger when I read the following.

We were talking about hats, when he suddenly texted,  "Girls look good in hats, but not flat rims, I draw the line at flat rims."  And then he continues to list all the types of hats "girls" shouldn't wear; hats that he finds unacceptable.

Then, a few minutes later, he sent a picture, the woman in the picture was wearing tall shoes with clear heels. He writes, " I need you to wear those shoes"

I quickly shut down the conversation as it was already late in the night anyways, but the next morning when I woke up, I was sick inside. I was actually physically ill, I couldn't get out of bed. I had all of these questions in my mind.  Again, I have a fear of enmeshment, and a fear of being controlled, but just these two simple statements, told me a lot about him. I have never had a person ever tell me what I can or cannot wear, and at age 45, I am not going to start now. That angered me so much, and I am still angry about it. We were supposed to go out on a first date tomorrow, but I am going to cancel. I am not going to write out an explanation, I'm just going to say that I cannot make the date, I'm not ready to date, and wish him well.

Am I right in thinking this was a red flag? They always say to trust your gut, and normally I don't know what that is, but I felt it this time. I am a person that believes in fate though, and that is my struggle. Because this person came back into my life, when I ironically just thought about him recently. It takes everything in me to fight that feeling of fate, like I am going to mess something up if I decline the date, (especially since we randomly crossed paths multiple times) but I just can't do it!  I mean, I'm sitting here now so anxious about this whole situation.....

What are your thoughts?

[Poison Ivy]

These would be red flags to me. Two reasons: saying these things at all; and saying them so early into the first conversation.

[Hindsite]

First yellow flag: conversation for several hours over text. Texting is great for short messages, quick facts or requests. If he were genuinely interested in a relationship, a real conversation is necessary.
"I'm going to need you to wear..." is totally creepy, like H...-to-the-NO creepy.
He's looking for visual stimulation, as he has spent strangely significant time devising his rules of preferences. If he were genuinely interested in YOU as a person, what you wear wouldn't matter. He would let YOU choose what you are comfortable in, so he could get to know YOU.
I say you are right to cancel, do not explain, and set that one free to go back out into the wild.
Run, girl, run!

[bohemian butterfly]

Poison Ivy and Hindsite,

Thank you so for your quick replies, and thank you for validating me. I needed to hear from others who are familiar with PDs and control issues.  I don't know this person well enough to know if they have a PD, but obviously I am still attracted (initially) to this type of person.

Perhaps I should be proud of myself, because I recognized this without even meeting him face-to-face.

The pull is so strong though because the beginning of these interactions/relationships are so intense!  But this go around, after the initial burst of excitement, I was exhausted, and really, really sick. Physically sick.

I hope that one day I will know how to reign it in, go slow, not fall for these types that try to reel you in...

And I just canceled the date.
My message was Short and sweet.  I thanked him for the invite, but said I'd have to decline as I'm not ready to date or even go out as friends. Told him to take care.  Probably didn't even need to say that I wasn't ready to date, but I did, normally I would've written an entire exclamation, so I am getting better. 🤣🙏

[BeautifulCrazy]

bohemian!!
Good.
For.
You!!!
Yay for trusting your gut!!
Yay for taking a moment and considering the situation!!
Huge YAY for not JADEing your cancellation!!
I am super proud of you!
I know that it is difficult to resist that kind of attention (Or any kind of attention )when you feel lonely. It can make you very vulnerable.

Haha, I don't want to ruin romance and magic for you. I believe in those myself, they are part of what makes life such a wonderful adventure.
But.... it is not unusual to run into someone that many times in your life. Statistically, it is highly probable.
Unless you have moved to different geographical areas.
If you had run into him that many times, in as many different continents, then it might be an argument for "fate". As it stands, it isn't even a good argument for "coincidence".

When I realized I was vulnerable in these kind of situations, I decided I needed a filter to catch this stuff. My bestie gave me a tip that I should pretend that I am sitting somewhere in public during these kind of conversations. Would I say this / act like this / flirt this way in front of other people? Is it appropriate?
It keeps me accountable and respectful of myself. And it keeps me aware of how respectful the other person is being toward me.
Personally, I now also picture my best friend, my mom, or Jesus sitting there with us, but I realize not everyone is as conservative as I am.

[moglow]

Good on you! I'm just mean I guess - if I went through with that first meeting I'd wear exactly that hat he didn't like and completely opposite shoes from those he "needs" one to wear. That his demands were so pathetically superficial just grinds me the wrong way. You're not a child to be dictated to!

[I once planned a simple meet and greet while i was out and about with friends in the area. The man was focused on a cap i was wearing and couldnt move past it to any conversation or interest. He was really obnoxious about it, made snarky comments that "real women" dont wear caps and men dont like that look etc. I walked off and rejoined my friends; he messaged later how off putting my attire was. Point taken, and you don't get to choose for me anyway!]

[Hilltop]

I felt a little gross when you wrote "I need you to wear these shoes".  He hasn't even gone on one date and he is already sending what he needs you do to fulfil some sexual fetish of his. 

I would say if you felt off, then something was very off.  Good for you for cancelling the date and listening to your gut. 

[Andeza]

Yeah that was definitely the kind of date you "nope" your way right out of. All kinds of red flags, yikes!

Good job!

[11JB68]

 :yeahthat
To all of what everyone else said

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I just want to say "good job, Bohemian Butterfly".

Yes, I do believe this may have been a Red Flag and you had the vision to see it. These "flags" usually are not blaring with horns and lights. It is the little tug you feel in your gut. And, you felt it. I would say honor it and trust it.  That sentence "I need you to..." just seems so controlling to me. Like we are supposed to be inspired to act based on someone else's command of us?  Yikes.   
 
I wondered about the aspect of "fate" that you questioned. I do not know anything about "fate", but did wonder if perhaps the encounters with him served a purpose in allowing you to see how much you have grown, healed, and are giving you more clarity on what you do not need. I personally think you acted very wisely on this. 

[Dollydrops]

You did well to feel off about it and to act on it. My now ex N/BPD or whatever he was, towards the end would say ' I love you, you and your sexy boots' '  I love your sexy dress'. I would feel like i was only loved according to whatever I wore.
Its a big red flag and you probably  escaped a fantasist.

[bohemian butterfly]

Thank you so much everyone! 🙏  I really appreciate all of your responses; I read each and every one of them.

I never received a reply to my text, not even an acknowledgment.  I guess I was thinking I'd get at least a "I understand, take care" reply.......

This would have been the first date I would've been on since my break up, and even though I declined the date, it was triggering; it triggered memories of my ex, (and the good, fun times we had) so today I have been battling memories.

I think the "I am going to need you to" was part of it, and I also realized that by declining this date, I saved myself some time, and I saved myself from heartache. Because even though those two men (my ex and this man) are totally different, I do see a pattern, I do see a similarity, even though I barely knew the man I was going to go out on a date with. I spent six years with my ex, and I just have to be so careful about who I let in in the future.

Thank you again.

[Stillirise]

Great work, BB. Maybe the fate part of this is that person was meant to be your test, and you passed! I also think you were right to follow your gut on this one. 

Also, I came here and found I needed this thread today.  I messaged an acquaintance of mine last week, about something in his line of work. I've known him for years, but only on a professional level.  I was completely unaware that he had recently separated from his wife, and was getting divorced. I soon found myself down one of those texting rabbit holes you mentioned.  There have been a few exchanges since then, as well.  So far, it has yet to get weird, or into red flag territory. I feel like he is probably lonely, and glad to chat with someone who's willing to listen, and has been where he is right now.   He's been doing a lot of sharing, and I've basically tried to offer support.  I've trotted out some wisdom I've learned from here, where appropriate.  I've made it clear I'm not looking for a relationship, and advised him not to get in any hurry for one either.

However, this is a good reminder for me, to watch my own boundaries. I can get caught up and overshare at times, as well. Also, I don't want to become enmeshed or overly involved in his process.  So, thanks for the reminder!

[GentleSoul]

Empowering good work. 

[1footouttadefog]

Sounds like he has a fetish and merely needs a person to wear a hat and a pair of shoes.

Like playing a part in a paly he is directing in his head with the costuming already handled.

Creepy.

Let him find a manikin or a sex doll to fill those shoes. 

[11JB68]

Moderators feel free to remove this if it's too off topic or something. I am not saying this person is this way or diagnosing etc....just that it made me think of something 'funny' from a movie and then came up again in something I was listening to
Not sure if anyone here saw the movie "Office Space" - it is quirky funny and has some dark-ish humor. The boss in the movie is sort of a classic narc type person and often starts a 'request/demand' with "I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to...... e.g. work saturday, stay late, etc" SO I thought of that with this post.
THEN weirdly I was listening to a true crime podcast and one of the criminals was quoted as saying something VERY similar
So - it got me wondering - is this just a classic NPD/PD type way of being weasle-y about making an unreasonable demand on someone?

[BeautifulCrazy]

Bill Lumbergh : Hello Peter, what's happening? Ummm, I'm gonna need you to go ahead come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around 9 that would be great, mmmk... oh oh! and I almost forgot ahh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday too, kay. We ahh lost some people this week and ah, we sorta need to play catch up.

[GentleSoul]

Yes, a very sly way of manipulating.   

What they want is hidden within a jigsaw puzzle.  Smoke and mirrors.

Makes it all deniable for them, also they can gas light that it is us being unreasonable/over reacting etc

Covert narc tool.

[Empie2204]

It seems very odd that narcs, who can be very skillful in manipulation, simply don't know how to hide this type of bossing around.
So many times during my marriage I felt that I could have done the impossible, if he only asked me nicely.
But no, narcs can find nice words for some other things, but when asking for something, they are so obvious.
Mine used these words: "You are going to ...", stating there is no doubt about it.
Needless to say I did not obey.