They regret the consequences of their actions, while denying their actions

[SaltwareS]

Hello, I am sharing something that I could only verify over the course of many years. It's something I wanted to know years ago but could only verify with time.

At the time, years ago, I pleaded with the npdParent "this is going to close off this set of opportunities, and will set a course of events in that direction". You know how the npd doesn't deny things, but doesn't out-right accept them either? You know the "blank stare" response they give? That's what happened when I pleaded.

After that I learned to stop pleading, "just go your own way, get distance from the npdParents and that person's enablers, and make the most of the life you have left, Saltware."

Well it's now years later and npdParent, in the rare *rare* windows they're faced with the consequences of their actions, is indeed asking "why didn't you do as your friend R did [set yourself up to have x opportunity, seize x opportunity, live a life like R is living]?" X opportunity is the exact opportunity I pleaded with npdParent not to choke off those years ago before I learned to get distance from npdParent.

Just an FYI. In the moment, they want total destruction of your opportunities. YEARS later they regret that you didn't find the opportunities and seize the day.

That's the closest they'll come to taking responsibility for their actions.

[Hilltop]

I'm not sure any of the uPD's around me have shown regret.  For me the uPD's seem to want things to go badly for me.  They seem to enjoy when I fail or things don't go my way.  My MIL would go out of her way to sabotage any happiness I had or if I wanted something to make sure I got the opposite, then she would smile from ear to ear which for her is rare. 

So for me if I outlined what I wanted to any of the PD's in my life, they would then go out of their way to not give it to me.  I have seen this in practice over and over and over again with them.  So to me the PD having that power to not give me what I want is supply to them.  Which is why distancing helped me.

I'm wondering if it's regret or I'm wondering if for supply they want to hear how disappointed you are, how it has hurt you, how you still want it and they made sure you didn't get it.  Bringing up someone else who has what you wanted and then asking if you still want that, are they trying to provoke a jealous response or disappointment in you.  Did your parent actually say they regret it or were they simply asking if you still wanted it.

I mean the whole why didn't you do it question.  So they are blaming you and not showing any self reflection that they played a part in that happening.  Is it boredom, they knew this once got you to plead so they are going in for old supply.  They are waiting for you to say you pleaded with them and it was them that closed off opportunities and then they get to play the victim.  Stir the pot, stir the drama up a bit.

Was there any mention that they themselves regret the opportunity which didn't happen?

[SaltwareS]

Your theory is good, asking if it satisfies them or comforts them when they have control over their environment.

But when their controlling actions embarrass them in front of others, that's not good for them. My npdParents are social.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm with Hilltop. When a PD asks, "Well why didn't you do X?" I hear more blame than regret. I doubt they take any responsibility for their part in the missed opportunity.

My PDmil has expressed regret on rare occasions, but only in a very waify way. "Oh, you know, your brother got an invitation to a gifted and talented program in fifth grade, but I didn't really know how any of that would work so I just never looked into it. Looking back I guess I should have pursued it, but I didn't know." That's always her excuse. "I didn't know." 

I get the impression that these moments are also a way to absolve herself of guilt. She puts her sanitized version of events out there and if no one calls her on it (and we rarely do, since we're too busy practicing gray rock), then it's settled, and she can forget about it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah I'm hearing blame as well. That's crappy, but they've probably blocked out their role in the whole affair. They see X who did the thing, if you had been like X they could have used it for bragging rights or whatever kind of supply. Jealousy! Opportunity lost! Obviously your fault. Blame is the next best source of supply, so we'll go for that.

Obviously speculation. But that's how I read it.

[bee well]

So "why didn't you do x?" Ha. I too hear blame, which can result in false shame.

I see someone honing in on a perceived weakness in order to distance one's self from responsibility, and put it back on another. At the very least (and excuse me for the understatement), it looks like someone taking the occasion to "stir the pot."

What I have noticed in similar situations is that:

This type of data gathering has no expiration date, Things can be brought up years later, for supply, as has been mentioned here.

It can be a way to work a way into the heart, and create FOG.

Some times it takes years to understand the dynamics of certain situations. Perhaps, because not all of us think in the uPD way. Perhaps other  information surfaces before we reach certain conclusions.

We didn't know then what we know now.

I have also noticed that the same individuals who say things like "why didn't you do x "  are the same ones who are around when we are in a low place, but are rarely if never there to celebrate our victories.

People who generate this b.s. do not deserve our energy.

Whatever your situation is today, celebrate you.

[Liketheducks]

Going deep here.....
My mom does not express regret for the consequences of her actions AND thoroughly denies.
My father has expressed remorse, but I'm not sure I believe him.  And, he has a sketchy memory.

My husband had an affair 3 1/2 years ago.  I was devastated.   After my upbringing, I had made him the "safe space" in my world.   I was the lowest I've ever been in my life.    Totally contemplated suicide.     It's taken all of my wherewithal to crawl back from that abyss.   And, we're in an amazing place now.   I now know that no one but me, can be my safe place.    But, he did show me something remarkable.    He's imperfect and human in all of this....but totally owns his consequences (doesn't have to like them, but owns them) and expresses responsibility and remorse.   He values the relationship over his disquiet.   Mind blown.   Would have kicked him to the curb otherwise.   But, I hadn't experienced that from someone I loved.   Certainly not from my FOO.    I'm grateful to see that in a human who loves me.