Dads disrespectful attitude to my job

[p123]

Usually I just ignore him but last night has left me absolutely bomping mad.....

Dad worked in a factory for 40+ years. I work in IT as a consultant - its a world he does not understand at all. Brother is a welder - which Dad does understand.

For years I've put up with hearing how hard my brother works etc. I've ignored it. This is the brother though that was a whisker away from going to prison for tax evasion when he spent all his tax money in the pub. Of course, Dad could see no wrong in this is was just "the working man always gets its tough".

Others have noticed how Dad constantly tells people how proud he is of my brother and NEVER me. Hey ho.

So, he asked me to do something for him last week. Yes I work from home but I've just started with a new client so can't spend hours dealing with Dads unimportant stuff. It wasnt urgent anyway. Hes now asked me THREE times in a week if its done....

LAst night I explained I was busy and it'd get done when I had chance. His answer "but you're sat at home all day, why can't you do it?" And "all you do is sit there in the warm tapping keys".

OMFG - Dad doesnt realise he now gets NOTHING done by me.

Am I right to be really really annoyed here????

[Boat Babe]

Your father is a full blown narcissist. It's what he does. He will never change. He enjoys fucking with you.

Don't let him!

[Happypants]

Of course you're right to be annoyed, but he's won. My GC brother followed my father into the same profession (interestingly, it became my fathers entire identity, but to my brother it's just a job). By contrast, my mother and I had "wee" jobs  so there was always comparison and subtle put downs which hurt until I realised how sad his behaviour was. I couldn't say or do anything back because has a heart issue and I've taken the decision not to risk causing him issues, even though his anger his problem. Point is, if I could go back, I'd simply say "ok dad", then end the call. I'm really annoyed for you, P123. Just keep stepping back from him.

[blacksheep7]

Your father is a full blown narcissist. It's what he does. He will never change. He enjoys fucking with you.

Don't let him!

I could not have said it any better than Boat Babe. 

He is very nasty and mean with you!!  Being annoyed is a certainty.  That man does not deserve your kindness and attention.  Don't even give him the pleasure of your annoyance. 
Be bold and cold in your responses, as you have been doing. 
Hang in there.

[square]

I was able to shift my thinking on my H's putdowns when I exercise by seeing how pathetic it was. H didn't actually look down on my exercise. He was threatened by it because it made HIM feel pathetic. And he was willing to crush his wife for a fleeting feeling of being a tiny bit bigger.

Your dad's issues with white collar work obviously go way back. He doesn't actually look down on it - deep down. Your success makes him feel small, instead of feeling like a proud dad like a normal dad would.

He knows what he is saying. He's figured out ways to scorn your work as "sitting around all day" but deep down he knows you are using your brain and applying skills he couldn't remotely understand. He knows.

When I realized my H felt threatened by my exercise, and eventually also realized I could outrun him on endurance, he was no longer able to hurt me on that topic. It was ridiculous, and at that point we both knew it.

Your dad is ridiculous and HE knows it. And he will keep grinding you down in the desperate hope that you will never realize it.

P123, in a twisted way, your dad respects your work, and that is THE reason he misses no opportunity to crap on it.

[JustKathy]

He knows what he is saying. He's figured out ways to scorn your work as "sitting around all day" but deep down he knows you are using your brain and applying skills he couldn't remotely understand. He knows.

My Nmother did this to me once I became successful and I know it was due to anger over her own career failures. She had never advanced beyond a high school diploma and never kept any job for more than a few weeks. She wanted my sister and brother to have great careers but wanted me (her scapegoat) to fail. So when I started to advance up the corporate ladder she found ways to scorn me. When I was an advertising assistant she would say things like, "You're an assistant, you just fetch coffee all day." When I was promoted to Director of Advertising she claimed that I had given her a fake business card and called my office to check on what I was doing. My secretary always took the calls. At one point Nmother told me, "The stupid girl who answered the phone asked who was calling like you were important or something. I thought that was so funny. I told her you were a coffee girl."

Most parents want their children to be more successful than they were. Ours want us to fail, and when we don't, they pretend that we've failed. Ignore it. You've done so well for yourself and should be very proud of your work. As others have pointed out, your father's putdowns are coming from a place of jealousy and resentment. I know it hurts to hear the putdowns, but it does get better, at least it did for me. It hurt like hell when it was happening, but I'm now able to look back, see it for what it was, and laugh at it.

[donutmoonpanda]

It sounds like a classic case of role reversal, depending on his adult kid to do his dirty work. What's worse is that you agreed out of the kindness of your heart, and he throws it in your face that he doesn't consider your job a job. "You're just sitting around." You're available and should thus be up for whatever he wants you to do, like an unpaid assistant. It's terribly disrespectful of your time and your career. And that's certainly not why you agreed to help him. You didn't say yes because you thought, "Oh good, he can let me know that he has no respect for my hard work, my career, my personal or professional life. I can't wait!" You said yes because you thought it would mean maybe he'll be proud of me, maybe he'll finally treat me with respect, and I'll feel loved and loveable. Maybe you even just wanted him to get off your back for a little while, agreeing to help so he'll lay off nagging you for something else for a little while.

You deserve respect. You are loveable, kind, and charitable. You deserve his gratitude. He's very lucky to have such an independent and kind-hearted kid.

Whether you help him or not, nothing is going to change on his end. He's never going to treat you like the kind and loveable person you are. I'm not trying to be fatalist; I'm just saying what everyone has taught me here. Our parents don't change. We can only change how we deal with them.

Don't help him. Don't justify, argue, defend, explain yourself (JADE). Just take that energy and put it into yourself. Be there for you, in whatever way that means. The person inside needs a friend right now. Needs somebody to stand by them and remind them that they're great and they're doing everything right. If you have any leftover energy put it into relationships that give back and sustain you. No matter how dad makes you feel about yourself it's just a distortion to manipulate you and get what he wants out of you.

[Hilltop]

Yep I would be annoyed with this as well.  What he is saying is rude, nasty and hurtful and I would say he knows this.  He is putting you down and criticising your work.  Just because what you do is different to what he did, what difference does that make, why put you down for that.  He is being hateful towards you. 

Thing is though, he isn't going to change, it's him, it's his attitude.  I dare say this will continue on.  It sounds like even if you don't talk about your work, he will find other ways to put you down about it.

I'm sorry.  My parents have also done this and it's extremely hurtful.  The sad thing is being around it does lead to frustration and anger.  I mean that's a normal reaction to someone being rude and hurtful.

[Pepin]

P123, in a twisted way, your dad respects your work, and that is THE reason he misses no opportunity to crap on it.

Yup.  Totally get where this is coming from.  DPD CN MIL did the same thing to DH's brother behind his back.  Of all the children, DH's brother's net worth wins out.  I think she was proud of him but could not show it because he wasn't going to be her servant.  It used to piss DH off that is brother infrequently checked in with their mother and I'd just be there shaking my head like: you just don't see it.  His brother knows he is disrespected and in turn created a massive boundary to only interact on his terms when he felt like it.  DH thought this was mean.  It was not mean.  It was healthy.  My BIL got to live his life on HIS terms with his family while DH and I gave up massive amounts of our sanity to care for his mother before she recently passed.  It was completely unfair.   

DH doesn't get crapped on because he helped his mother even though he is also" white collar" like his brother.   

[FromTheSwamp]

Of course you're right to be annoyed.  He's your own father and he's dismissive of you and the work you do.  He doesn't respect your time, your family, who you are as a person. 

Every time one of my parents has treated me with this kind of disrespect (and there have been so many times) I pull back from them emotionally.  It's just normal self protection.  The relationship they have with me now is a product of the way they have treated me. 

[nanotech]

The relationship they have with me now is a product of the way they have treated me.

FromTheSwamp
Brilliantly sums it up.

[p123]

Of course you're right to be annoyed, but he's won. My GC brother followed my father into the same profession (interestingly, it became my fathers entire identity, but to my brother it's just a job). By contrast, my mother and I had "wee" jobs  so there was always comparison and subtle put downs which hurt until I realised how sad his behaviour was. I couldn't say or do anything back because has a heart issue and I've taken the decision not to risk causing him issues, even though his anger his problem. Point is, if I could go back, I'd simply say "ok dad", then end the call. I'm really annoyed for you, P123. Just keep stepping back from him.

Yep same with me - its not a proper job unless you're "working hard with your hands"

[p123]

He knows what he is saying. He's figured out ways to scorn your work as "sitting around all day" but deep down he knows you are using your brain and applying skills he couldn't remotely understand. He knows.

My Nmother did this to me once I became successful and I know it was due to anger over her own career failures. She had never advanced beyond a high school diploma and never kept any job for more than a few weeks. She wanted my sister and brother to have great careers but wanted me (her scapegoat) to fail. So when I started to advance up the corporate ladder she found ways to scorn me. When I was an advertising assistant she would say things like, "You're an assistant, you just fetch coffee all day." When I was promoted to Director of Advertising she claimed that I had given her a fake business card and called my office to check on what I was doing. My secretary always took the calls. At one point Nmother told me, "The stupid girl who answered the phone asked who was calling like you were important or something. I thought that was so funny. I told her you were a coffee girl."

Most parents want their children to be more successful than they were. Ours want us to fail, and when we don't, they pretend that we've failed. Ignore it. You've done so well for yourself and should be very proud of your work. As others have pointed out, your father's putdowns are coming from a place of jealousy and resentment. I know it hurts to hear the putdowns, but it does get better, at least it did for me. It hurt like hell when it was happening, but I'm now able to look back, see it for what it was, and laugh at it.

Oh yes I've had very similar. As I've said I do contract IT work - I do well out of it. Its not your basic stuff its high level consultant level (yeh I am 50 odd years old!)

I've just been without a contract for a few months (it happens!). He kept on and on that I should get "any job" like a job in a supermarket just to get "any job". I said to him "if I was a doctor would you be telling me to go and do the same". "Oh no that'd be silly, but you're not a doctor". Yeh nice one.

I even started this contract a few weeks ago. As I said its IT consultant. Its for a government department who also have a helpdesk. He said "Oh so it'll be new to you then? When you speak to people on the phone, you've got to find them on the computer and help them out, do you?" Eh?

Now no dissing people who work in call centres but I don't, never have. Does he really think this is what I do?

[p123]

Does he do this on purpose? I don;t know. Im not sure he does. He just does not care what he says and has no interest in anything outside his "world view".

I get hes old, its a different world, and what I do is not something in his world. But jeez try a little bit....

He constantly clings to this very small-minded attitude and thinks I should be the same. It all boils down to his parents being very poor, the area I was brought up in is not the best, but I've moved on. I'm proud of where I come from (my grandad worked down the coal mines) but where I am now is a galaxy away from that......

Yet Dad won't even get a cab/taxi anywhere and I'm careful to tell him if I do - "Taxis are not meant for people like us"
Holidays/Vacations - he tells me I shouldnt tell people I've had 2 holidays a year because "its not right".

Hes never going to change....

[Danden]

I have had the same issue in my family.  I think my M is more comfortable with the working class members of my family (my sister and her husband) rather than with myself and my husband, who are both highly successful/educated professionals.  I think it stems from an inferiority complex, which they all have.  Narcissists who want to feel superior to others are most comfortable with those with whom they can feel superior.  They can't do that with us.  It is not that we lord ourselves over them, it is just that we are not like them, and they know it and they feel threatened.  And that makes it hard for them to accept us and include us in the family.  They are most comfortable with others who are like themselves, especially if they can feel they are better in some way.  Another part of it is that we think differently than they do, about many things.  We have a different outlook on life, and different values.  This is all an outgrowth of  having a more comfortable life.  As an example, when my M had some financial insecurity, we offered her to take part in an investment we had underway.  It was extremely safe for her, as an elderly widow, and also profitable enough to meet her needs.  She declined to participate because (in my view) she didn't trust us.  Perhaps she thought we would take advantage of  her, or she just didn't know enough about or had enough experience doing this kind of thing.  She would rather stick with the things she knows and the people she knows, holding on to her financial insecurity, than accept help from us.  So we look at things differently.  My sister used to brag about how much money she had in her retirement fund, until I did some simple math for her and came up with a number of how much that represents per month over 20-30 years, which was a few hundred dollars.  So it was not as much as she thought, which she  had never realized.  I think that may have set in motion a scheme in her mind wherein she basically, eventually, stole my inheritance from me.  So they think differently about money than we do.  And it seems to me that every time you remind them of it, i.e., that some people are smarter and wealthier than they, it spurs resentment.       

[Liketheducks]

You have every right to be annoyed by ANYONE who shows such a disrespect of your time and achievements.      He is totally pushing your buttons.    You deserve a parent who is proud and supportive of you.   Sadly, we just don't get that specific reality in this club. 

My dad once told me that the only reason I was as successful as I was, was because I have "a vagina".   Literal quote.  My husband and I have a business together.   My husband being successful in business he could understand.....not so much me.   Despite being the first in my FOO to get a college degree.  In fact, I had to work my way through college because he wasn't in a position to help and then decided to hamstring even that process by denying me access to tax records so that I may apply for financial aid.   In the states, you need your parents tax records to make application for aid....so he just didn't file taxes for a few years.   Totally got himself into hot water over that.     So, my Dad is disrespectful of me because he thinks I slept my way into a good business OR my gender, when it was his genetic input that made that determination for me.        

[GentleSoul]

Grrrrrrrrrrr, so much in this thread I relate to.

My narc dad was a nasty piece of work who never missed a chance to put women down.  Thing was though, he was pathetic and scared to death of women.   

I had a narc boss for a while too who always used to call women by the wrong name. On purpose. What a piece of crap!  He was also very weak and pathetic and scared to death of women.  All hot air and bluster.

He had a go at an older lady member of staff once. Well, she was magnificent.  Called him "boy" and ripped him to shreds.  Then walked out.   The boss pooped his trousers and tried to hide behind someone.   

They are nasty little playground bullies.

[Sneezy]

p123 - Your dad should be proud of both of his sons.  It sounds like you are both hard-working, self-sufficient adults.  As a parent, you know that we sometimes connect better with or understand one kid more than another.  That's human nature.  But, as parents, we should celebrate all our kids and their successes.  The fact that your father doesn't says a lot about him (and it's not good).  I even understand a tiny bit of jealousy towards our children.  My DD had access to opportunities that I didn't have simply because she was born into a world where women could achieve more.  I still remember wearing pants and a sweater to work one day, rather than a suit and hose.  The looks I got!!!  A woman in the workplace in pants?  The horror.  Times have changed, and I am happy that my daughter is the beneficiary of those changes.  And I am a teeny bit envious as well.  But I would never begrudge her the opportunities she's had.  And I am proud of her, just as I am proud of my DS who is still trying to find his way, and working darn hard at it.  I'm really sorry that your dad doesn't appreciate you - it's not right.

[p123]

You have every right to be annoyed by ANYONE who shows such a disrespect of your time and achievements.      He is totally pushing your buttons.    You deserve a parent who is proud and supportive of you.   Sadly, we just don't get that specific reality in this club. 

My dad once told me that the only reason I was as successful as I was, was because I have "a vagina".   Literal quote.  My husband and I have a business together.   My husband being successful in business he could understand.....not so much me.   Despite being the first in my FOO to get a college degree.  In fact, I had to work my way through college because he wasn't in a position to help and then decided to hamstring even that process by denying me access to tax records so that I may apply for financial aid.   In the states, you need your parents tax records to make application for aid....so he just didn't file taxes for a few years.   Totally got himself into hot water over that.     So, my Dad is disrespectful of me because he thinks I slept my way into a good business OR my gender, when it was his genetic input that made that determination for me.     

OMG thats just awful.....

Taxes now I've got a funny story about that.
I run a business too and pay for an accountant. So I pay my taxes correctly. Dad is always going on about that - how its daylight robbery these people (i.e. accountants)

Brother did some work self-employed. Couldnt be bothered to sort tax out so spent it all down the pub. Ignored what would have been tons of letters. Then they "raided" his house at 6am one day - he almost ended up in jail. (Funnily enough he had to pay for an accountant afterwards to sort out the mess!)

Most people would say "what an idiot". Nope not Dad. Of course brother had to pay the tax back but they let him off about £10K fines.
And he got to pay it back over 5 years.

All Dad could see was "government again hitting the working man" and I got "you're lucky you didn't caught like your brother". And the usual "daylight robbery these accountants taking people hard earned money". This was in response to a £300 bill - Dad seemed to think £300 should cover a weeks worth of work for an accountant for some reason.

Umm No I dont get this drama - I act like an adult and pay my taxes thus avoiding drama.

[p123]

Grrrrrrrrrrr, so much in this thread I relate to.

My narc dad was a nasty piece of work who never missed a chance to put women down.  Thing was though, he was pathetic and scared to death of women.   

I had a narc boss for a while too who always used to call women by the wrong name. On purpose. What a piece of crap!  He was also very weak and pathetic and scared to death of women.  All hot air and bluster.

He had a go at an older lady member of staff once. Well, she was magnificent.  Called him "boy" and ripped him to shreds.  Then walked out.   The boss pooped his trousers and tried to hide behind someone.   

They are nasty little playground bullies.

Oh if I was female I dread to think.... His attitude towards women is legendary.

My wife wants nothing to do with my Dad. I TOTALLY support her. She has got every right after what hes done. Even if I didnt agree I respect shes got her own opinion anyway.

Dad hates this. He once told me I needed to "have a word with her" I said no. He then said "you need to make her understand how things work, whatever it takes to make her understand".

WOW WOW WOW - After this I got how hes been divorced twice!