finally ready for no contact. I think

[fevredream]

I know this is the parents discussion and this post is about my sister.  I am 26 years older than her.  I have always been her sister/mother.  I have always felt responsible for her...Her grandparents are her biological grandmother and step-grandfather.  Bio grandmother declined to help/adopt my sister when her bio mom abandoned her.  so my parents, her bio aunt and uncle stepped in and adopted her.

My sister had another one of her blow-ups about a month ago.  She screwed up and had a tantrum and got evicted from her apartment.  this is not the first time.  It was just the last time that her landlord aka best friend's grandmother was going to deal with it.  Sis was fine with it, she moved in with her boyfriend.  Who is the 3rd (that I know of) in 2 years.  Not that there is anything wrong with that. 
Anyway, she moved in down the street from me.  And I thought things were fine.  I was keeping my boundaries pretty good (not giving her money, not paying for things for her) and it didn't seem to hurt her in any way.  Which is, I guess, why it is always hard for me. I would never ask for help unless I had no alternative so I always...project....that she is desperate when she asks me for things.  But she seems to ask just to see what she will get.   I WANT to help her.  I WANT to give her the little bit extra she needs to make it in life.  After the blow up last month which involved alcohol and a fight between her and her bad influence friend and then accusing me of never caring about her and abandoning her, I just knew I was not helping in the way I thought I was.  And she was doing good.  She was going to her new job every day.  she brought her new boyfriend by my office one day to introduce us and he seemed nice.

Sunday night, she showed up on my front porch in her pajamas with no shoes on.  And blood all over her.  She was sobbing and could barely catch her breath.  She had a big cut on her elbow and her pinky finger looked like it had been sliced to the bone.  My whole body just went cold.  I got her to tell me what happened.  She had to work overnight and she got it in her head that her boyfriend was cheating on her.  I guess they were drinking Sunday afternoon and she started raging at him.  She told me that she was trying to punch him and she hit the glass door instead.
I took her to the emergency room and called her grandparents.  She has been spending a lot of time with them lately.  They came to the ER and immediately wanted to call the police and have her boyfriend arrested.  I had to explain to them that she had been the aggressor.  He had not hurt her, he just tried to not be hurt by her.  She cut her hand when he closed the porch door between them because she was trying to punch him.
her grandmother stayed with her while I took her grandfather to her house to get her clothes and the car they had loaned her.  The house (mobile home) was a wreck.  I don't know if it looked that bad before.  the kitchen had two windows with...double glass in them.  I don't know how to explain it.  one of the windows was completely broken.  probably because someone, probably her, threw an electric tea kettle through it.  The other window, the inside pane was broken.  There were broken dishes on the floor.  there was blood everywhere.  The bedroom had multiple holes punched in the walls.  Doors had been pulled off the hinges.
She ended up getting 5 stitches in her elbow and another 5 in her pinky.  It was cut to the bone according to the doctor.
I talked to her best friend (since they were 6 years old) who was there when she got kicked out of her former home.  she told me that my sister's previous boyfriend had left her after she smashed his face with a flashlight.  Friend told me that was not the first time sis had attacked him.  Of course, we are in a place where no guy would ever admit a female beat him up, much less one that is only 5 feet tall and only weighs about 100lbs.  They just take it and try not to do anything that will lead to them being accused of abuse.  I have seen my sister rage.  I have been on the receiving end of it.  it is blind rage.  Her friend also told me that my sister does not remember what she does when she rages.
Her grandparents have said she can stay with them for a while.  They have been letting her drive a car of theirs.  They have given her a job.  They give her money.  And I guess they think I am a horrible person because she just needs a little help.  Anyone can see how sweet she is, how smart she is.  She has such a bright future.  she just needs to make better choices and stop hanging around these bad influences.  Her friend and I agreed that seeing the grandparents start the cycle with her is like watching a slow motion car wreck.  We both know what is going to happen but we can't stop it because no one understands how she can be until they have been through it.  Many times.  It doesn't matter how much we love her or try to help her, it is not enough.  Her grandmother was calling me yesterday to try to get me to take in my sister's pets.  my sister was screaming in the background and my whole body was so tense.  I felt so sick and her rage wasn't even directed at me.  It occurred to me that I might have some ptsd after dealing with her all these years.
the final straw for me, after years of seeing my sister dance down the road to self destruction, was the text she sent to her friend saying she was going to bad influence friend's house to get drunk and high.  she has stitches.  She missed work on Monday because her hand hurt too bad.  but not so bad that she can't drive to her bad influence friends house. She has no home.  her pets have no home.  and that is what she wants to do.
  I will not answer the phone when she calls me.  I may or may not answer her texts.  I am seriously considering writing her a letter telling her I can't be any part of her life as long as she refuses to get help for her drinking and drugging and rages.  And then sending it to her and her friend and her grandparents.  Just so everyone knows where I stand.  I just can't go through this again.  and her grandparents will expect me to take her on when they don't want her to stay with them anymore.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh, I am so sorry you have to go through all this.  Have you studied the strategies outlined in the Toolbox ? You really might benefit from implementing some of them, not only with your sister but also when the requests come that you take care of her.
In my experience it has never done any good to tell or write people that you cannot be a part of their life anymore. It is so much better to do it rather than tell it. There is great power in fading away and saves you from all the drama that an announcement entails (which you might or might not implement anyway). If you need to, write the letters but do not send/post them. You could, however, use the broken record technique - repeating over and over again, I will only help if and as long as you/she stay/s off the drugs and drinking and behaves in a calm manner. Implement clear and simple boundaries to help you walk the line.
Do you have emotional support for yourself? Someone who you can talk openly with? Who helps you with the feelings of guilt, fear, anger that difficult  people invariably trigger in us? Someone who supports you with your c-PTSD?

[fevredream]

I have been using the toolbox more and more over the years.  That is what I keep thinking about.  this same scenario has happened multiple times over the years.  I know her grandparents think I am awful for not taking her side over her boyfriend but I have seen firsthand how she makes herself out to be the victim and then attacks the boyfriend over and over, chasing him down to fight with him.  so, yeah, her boyfriend might have cheated on her but he is not the one who was physically aggressive to her.  he is probably bewildered by her actions.  I know that writing her anything will just set her off.  I want to warn her grandparents but I don't think they will believe anything I say when I know she is telling them how awful I am to her.  when she does these things and I pull back to protect myself she starts her texts with "I know you don't care..."  the urge to defend myself and tell her I love her is overwhelming but I usually just text back something like "I am sorry you are having to deal with....." and leave it at that.  I am a gray rock sitting over here just living my life.  no drama, nothing.  I am trying to talk myself into therapy but I am not ready yet, I think.  I do not really have anyone to talk to because I don't want anyone to know.  I feel like I should at least make my intentions clear to her grandparents but...the last time she did this, I talked candidly to my cousin (the daughter of the grandparents) and told her how done I was and all the things my sister had done and that I would not be rescuing her anymore.  So, probably she has communicated that to her mother.  it is kind of telling how she calls "to see how I am doing" whenever my sister goes off the rail.  I kind of feel now like she is just trying to see what I have to say about it.  I don't know that any of them believe me about how she is.  It is so...not exactly funny...to see her grandparents doing everything for her that I have done.  I paid her rent for nearly a year, I bought her 2 cars that she wrecked, gave her a car that a friend gave me that she wrecked and after all that, I co-signed on a car with her (because she was doing good) that she wrecked.  On the bright side, I did have insurance on it and it covered the repairs and now I have a car that I was going to end up paying for anyway.  I gave her a job, paid her to clean and so many things and she would manage for a while but then she would have a "migraine" or her period and couldn't do the job she had agreed to but can I please pay her now and she will make it up to me.  this last time, I held my boundaries really good which is why her grandparents stepped in.  because I obviously abandoned her for no reason when she just needs a little help.  I have all the fear and anger and guilt but it is overlaid with apathy now.  I feel like I should write a novel about all this.