Hitting a wall

[Pepin]

I feel as though I have hit a will since DPD CN MIL's recent death.  While overall I am feeling better and more positive, I'm starting to feel drained again.  Part of this may be because of DH.  While I don't expect him to be all rainbows and flowers right now, I do expect us to stand beside each other as we navigate our way forward together without DPD CN MIL. 

I've been working around the clock to help him sort through the aftermath.  Really busting my buns...anything to lighten his load...perhaps working myself into this exhaustive state.  It may also be that I am terrified of him lashing out at me as he deals with the grief and loss of his mother.  I sense that he is utterly confused about everything that was suddenly dumped onto his plate along with all of his work stuff that has been quite heavy. 

We've had our struggles being a team over the years at times because he would often team with his mother instead - running to her side and overlooking our obligations within our marriage and family.  After countless attempts I did drift away and became my own team within our marriage as a way of coping - but always waiting quietly for a bone to be thrown my way. 

Now that I have had to step closer and help him, I feel alone.  But when he hasn't been around i.e. recent work trips, I feel free and strong.  Perhaps this is just a bump in our journey moving forward.  I don't know what to do.  I just wanted to be a team with him like we committed to at the beginning of our marriage.  That's all I wanted...I guess I was recently getting comfy with just coexisting on the side and being left alone.  Now that I have to help him it feels fulfilling but also kind of lonely.  And maybe he resents me for my energy in helping him sort through the mess.  I just don't know...

[hhaw]

Aww, Pepin:

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you.  I have no answers.  I do have thoughts and questions to mull over.

Has your dh asked for your help or did you jump in, offer to help in any way you could?

My brother always told me to let the difficult men in my life ask for any help they need before offering it.

He didn't approve of my jumping in everywhere and offering up everything.

I think he was offering very wise advice around setting healthy boundaries, valuing myself, my time and requiring decent treatment OR I could simply NOT help.

I don't have advice beyond extending tsunamis of compassion to yourself, dropping judgment and embracing curiosity to SEE what's really there. 

Maybe your expectations for how your dh will handle this aren't realistic?  It sounds like you've figured out how to live the ur life independently within the marriage on your own terms and with power and peace.  I understand.

You say feeling drained may be, in part, about it your husband.  If he didn't ask for your help....maybe he should and it should be polite and kind.  Maybe your help should be conditional and not offered up when your dh can't " throw you a bone."

Everyone deserves and needs compassion.  Your dh isn't entitled to your love and care without reciprocity, IME.   I hope you can talk about this with him or accept the way things were.....set expectations very low for working as a team or not as a team at all.....maybe he can't do that.  Not bc you aren't worthy, but bc he's unable to....nothing to do with you.

You said you feel free and powerful when dh is traveling.  I think that's a big clue for your serenity.

Radical acceptance is our friend.