Is it me?

[hhaw]

I know you're telling SG, EM.  You're texting to validate and document so choose words carefully.

[escapingman]

OMG, this is getting real. I got the confirmation STBX has agreed to the divorce and I can apply for Decree Nisi. I don't know if I should celebrate or cry. It feels like a massive stone just dropped from my chest.

[losingmyself]

EM, probably an equal amount of both!
We are here cheering you on and supporting you through this.
You got this

[JustKeepTrying]

So happy for you!

[escapingman]

Back home after a few days away, a lot of reflections. Met with a friend and spent a lot of time with him, it was a great exercise in learning about myself. I constantly was waiting for something to go wrong, almost like I expected him to suddenly kick off like STBX would. But he didn't, we just enjoyed each other company and we could both do whatever we liked without any drama. We went to an event and I was queuing up for the drinks, and it took ages, that got my so stressed, as if that would have been with STBX she would have kicked off with the queue and then ruined the entire event. But, we just queued and laughed about how slow they were at serving, but no drama or complaints. I notice myself getting very stressed with other people when they act in a way I know would set STBX off, but I just take a few deep breaths and continue with my day. But, after a few days away, some nice messages from STBX it's the questioning in my head if it really is that bad. That questioning disappeared quickly as she was raging with the kids again this morning.

I just instructed my solicitor to apply for the Decree Nisi. I feel great!

[pushit]

That's great to hear she agreed to the divorce, hopefully that removes a lot of stress from the situation as you move forward.  I will also caution not to let your guard down.  PD's will go back and forth A LOT between the extremes of attacking and hoovering you back in.  It's not over until the divorce is finalized, and as that reality gets closer the PD will escalate the hoovering to avoid their fears of abandonment coming true.

[guitarman]

Thank you for sharing your recovery journey. You will eventually find the peace you and your children need.

Everything you do is an example to them. They learn that you will not tolerate abuse.

Beware of all the love bombing that will occur from your wife to convince you that she has changed. As you are aware it is only temporary.

I hope that you have support from your friends. Be vulnerable, open up to them and tell them what has been happening. Talk more about your feelings. We can begin to not trust people because of what we have experienced when it is the time when we need our friends the most.

Men can be abused as well as women. I know.

You are not alone.

We are not alone.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[SonofThunder]

EM, im SO glad to read you are making great progress!  Thoughts and prayers for continued forward motion, growing comfort and increasing peace.  😃

SoT

[escapingman]

I had my second session with the T yesterday, this time it felt much better. We basically chatted away and suddenly the time was up. The T hasn't really come up with anything for me to do but it feels good to talk to someone that also validates my feelings. I probably done most of the work beforehand, but I still have a lot of anxiety I need to get rid of. I get stressed very easy in situations where I know STBX would kick off, but when she is not with me I just try to remember to calm down and breath. I am feeling stronger, but I still struggle with STBX when she get's going.

Thank you all for your fantastic support!

[guitarman]

It's good to know that you are getting professional support.

It can take time to develop a relationship with a therapist. I've seen a psychiatrist, psychologists and mental health carers support workers. I have found it difficult to trust people but now it becomes easier and sharing with others is important to my recovery and wellbeing.

I still find it disloyal to talk about what has been occurring in my family for decades. That is the shame about abuse. I know I need to keep attending mental health carers groups as I need continuing support, maybe for the rest of my life and I'm OK with that.

It's not surprising that you feel anxious around your wife. I lived with anticipatory dread and hyper vigilance as I never knew how my uBPD/NPD sister was going to behave. I always felt on alert in case a life threatening crisis occurred. It's a horrible feeling to have to live with all the time.

Practising Mindfulness guided meditations and becoming aware of my breathing has helped me.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

She just baited me, back a few months ago I probably had fallen for it. She completely undermined me and told SG she didn't need to do something I had asked her to do. She then confronted me in front of SG and said she didn't think SG should have to do what I had asked her to do and that we needed to discuss it. I replied I thought she need to do what asked to do whereby STBX told me to stop behaving like a baby. Instead of getting into an argument I just told her they can do whatever they decide and that I was out of it. So after SG got the all clear from STBX she didn't need to do what I asked her to do, she did it anyway After all, I can see the light in the end of the tunnel and I just can't be bothered to be baited into a meaningless discussion where I have one opinion and STBX another. As you all know, if you have a different opinion than the PD your opinion does not count. I just had to laugh at it, I was called a baby for having a different opinion and after all she has been going on about having a united front with the kids she happily undermined me.

[guitarman]

Good to know that the tools you are learning about work in real life situations. They take time to master. We learn to do things differently.

Well done for staying calm. I know it's so easy for seemingly trivial situations to escalate out of control.

I practice the box breathing technique that helps me to remain calm and grounded. There are many videos about it on YouTube.

My uBPD/NPD sister loudly screamed and shouted at another sibling that THEY have anger issues! I had to laugh as it didn't make any sense.

We can live in a surreal and bizarre PD world that many other people don't really understand if they haven't witnessed it all for themselves.

[escapingman]

So I got her to agree to the divorce, that's the first battle won. Now getting all finances and paperwork together, this us not an important one for me, what will be will be and will most likely be a 50-50 split or close to. But the final battle is potentially going yo be the biggie, custody. The way STBX is behaving towards the kids makes me angrier and angrier and I am starting to consider going for full custody. I am not sure if it is doable, but I think I will start investigating my options. She has really got her claws into GC at the moment and GC hardly do anything. I feel I I can't save her now when can I?

[guitarman]

As you are in the UK you may find this organisation Families Need Fathers of help to you.

https://fnf.org.uk/

I hope they can give you some advice and support.

[escapingman]

I am finding this calm before the storm pretty hard to take. The divorce has been agreed, we are talking finances (through the solicitors) and STBX is acting like everything is normal. If this is how she would behave normally I wouldn't really have a problem with it, but I know it is just a mask. I am wondering if it is her mask for herself to keep her in denial. She keep asking me where I am going every time I leave the house, tries to do things as a family (I can't even sit at the same table as her). As I can't move out right now, I am planning to be away as much as possible until I get the all clear to move out. But even this is hard as STBX will play the guilt card how I can just go away, not understanding anything. Right now I am dreading what she would plan for Easter and how she would play happy family, to have an escape I have booked all of Easter away. I would have wanted to take the girls with me but I can only imagine what drama she would play out if I left her with the kids for Easter, I am not ready for that. I could potentially be out for the summer, that is something to look forward to. I am so so so looking forward to getting my life back and to be able to make decisions without being questioned.

It's sunny outside and spring is coming, for once I feel a bit optimistic. But peace is fragile....

[notrightinthehead]

You sound tense and anxious. This might be the right time to practise mindfulness. As it is warm and sunny outside, grab your phone, find yourself a mindfulness meditation on Youtube, ideally 'dealing with difficult emotions' or something like that, find a spot that you like and practise. Several times a day.  You might be amazed how with time, you will experience small glimpses of serenity and calmness. At least that was my own experience and these 10 to 15 minutes that I invested in my own peace of mind helped me cope with the most difficult situations.

[escapingman]

Yes the anxiety is the issue right now, this is also what I have spoken to my T about as my main issue. The worst for me is that every time I am going to leave the house that STBX comes and tries to engage in one way or another. It really makes me so stressed just getting the shoes on to leave the house, but then when I am out I am just feeling a big relief. I like walking, that is my best way to get out and get the break, but as with the mindfulness you mention, I am always coming back afterwards. I am getting better, I am getting calmer, but it is still a long way to go.

[guitarman]

Anxiety is an awful feeling. We can feel fearful all the time. Our thoughts can affect our body, but thoughts are not facts. That is what I've learnt from practising Mindfulness.

I use the free app My Possible Self on my iPhone. There are short Mindfulness and breathing exercises to use. Also there are times to journal and record your mood. I have found it helpful.

My Possible Self is also on Instagram where they give regular live free sessions.

https://www.mypossibleself.com/

It was pointed out to me by a mental health nurse I used to see that people who are in abusive relationships go out of the house to get some peace and quiet. Usually people in loving caring relationships want to stay at home for some peace and quiet. I can relate to that.

[escapingman]

guitarman, I only feel I can relax outside of the house. I try to find excuses to leave the house all the time, for example I now go to the supermarket daily to buy my food instead of weekly shops. I find reasons to go away for a day or two or three, I just need to get out.

Today she decided we are all going on a holiday together and told the girls and then asked me. I said straight away I think about it, I am trying to buy time for anything at the moment. It's frustrating that I will again be the bad one because she sets me up for something not possible to do. Anyway, a year ago I would have said yes, gone on the holiday and then it would have ended up in chaos.

One step forward.....

[guitarman]

It must be so stressful for you living together. You are living apart together.

You did well not to agree to something straight away.

One day hopefully you can be honest about your feelings and calmly state what you want to do.

When questioned you don't have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain yourself.

"No" is a complete sentence.

So often I could get trapped into long pointless arguments with my uBPD/NPD sister. She could twist everything around. For a quiet life I used to agree to things I really didn't want to do. Even just thinking about her triggers me into an anxiety state.