Every time I start to feel sorry for her she reminds me why I shouldn't

[Fiasco]

BPDm is old and fairly disabled since a near fatal accident almost a decade ago. Typical PD elder she will stay in her massively unsafe and isolated home until she dies, which is what nearly happened last time. Fires all caregivers her siblings are stupid enough to hire for her, since I refuse to play that game any more. Her favorite pretend victimization is theft. She's staged bizarre fake break-ins throughout my life and that's also the reason she has to fire all her caregivers. They steal her linens mostly. EYEROLL.

The last year she's having a lot of cognitive decline and has been told by her doctors straight up she's not safe to live alone. I have to pay all her bills and watch her credit cards for fraud (yay she adores being a victim of fraud). Lately I've started managing her email as well since she's started responding to scam/phishing emails with, you know, her debit card numbers. She's really laid off a  lot of the PD nonsense as her memory has gone to pot and acts more like the scared child she's always been but without the manipulation.

So that's the boring background and here's where I'm so angry I want to scream. We live about 2000 miles from her and haven't seen her in years (thanks pandemic for that at least). She's been mentioning looking up my little town, where she's never been, on the internet lately. This is pretty typical for her stalking PD self so it angers me but I blow it off. I'm checking her email this morning so I can delete any scams she doesn't need to see and I find a series of emails between her an a realtor in my area. She's working with a f#$king realtor to find a house she likes in my little town. I'm shaking I'm so angry.

Now this is only more delusional behavior on her part. She's got multiple doctors appointments per week for a skin infection on her arm they haven't been able to get to fully heal in years. She can't drive and she's never my whole life been able to clean her house much less pack it up. I know she's not coming here but I'm ENRAGED. I'm so angry I can hardly see. I guess it's nice of her to remind me that even though she can't do a goddam thing for herself she still thinks she has rights to me and mine. That she should even pretend she's going to move to my town where she's never been even to my state in her life without even asking me? She can go to hell.

[moglow]

Let me guess - she's thinking she can move closer to you and you'll naturally assume [more] responsibility for her care while she remains in her own home? Yeah NO. You can continue to do that from a distance.

Can [should?] you contact said realtor with the realities - that she's barely functional at best and for sure delusional with this idea? She's not moving to your town or anywhere else short of a nursing home. She's neither physically nor financially able, and is wasting said realtor's time. But then again, to insert yourself would make it your stuff and who wants that!

FWIW, I can remember md making comments in years past about "where's her room" here and there in our homes over the years. As IF!! Maybe we bought that internal clue - all now live in homes that require at least one flight of stairs to get to bedrooms ... neeeever gonna happen!!

I feel for you. Just remember, whatever her delusions, it's not yours. If she takes it upon herself to actually proceed with this, it's STILL not yours other than shutting it down. She's not capable and you're not doing it for her, so DONE.

BREATHE!!!

[Fiasco]

Thanks Moglow, I briefly considered contacting the realtor but yeah. He's presumably a big boy adult and I don't have time to caretake him too. The idea of her applying for a mortgage is laughable. She's certainly got the capital (although tied up in her house) but the liklihood of her properly marshalling the extensive documentation required is unthinkable. And if it turns out I've got the wrong idea about just how mentally and physically competent she actually is I'm 100 percent ready to lay down the law, tell her exactly what I think of her, and end all contact forever. Part of me is always itching to do exactly that. Just give me a good reason!

[moglow]

I'm 100 percent ready to lay down the law, tell her exactly what I think of her, and end all contact forever. Part of me is always itching to do exactly that. Just give me a good reason!

Understood! Been there, felt it myself! That lack of boundaries on their part means they dont see that there's a whole other side to consider.

I can hear it now "but i dont have/can't find xyz paperwork, dont want to go through and pack up my house, cant you just..." No. Not options now or any foreseeable point in the future. This half-assed idea isn't practical or remotely realistic,  can't happen in a vacuum. Just because she's bored or scared of being alone doesn't make it yours to carry. That 2000 miles is very comfortable for you, for just this kind of bs!

[Sneezy]

Thanks Moglow, I briefly considered contacting the realtor but yeah. He's presumably a big boy adult and I don't have time to caretake him too.

I wouldn't worry about the realtor - I'm sure he knows the chances that your mom is actually going to move are slim to none.  My in-laws pulled this crap years ago.  Had us hopping all over town, meeting up with a realtor to look at homes they had no intention of buying.  We were honest with the realtor and she was fine with it.  She used it as a chance to preview some homes in the area, and we actually recommended her to a few other people (more serious buyers) later on.

Your mom isn't going to move.  But she knows you manage her email, right?  So she knows you are going to see the realtor emails.  Is she looking to start a fight?  Trying to poke you to see how you respond?  Is she bored and in need of some supply right now?  I'd just ignore the realtor emails, pretend you've never seen them, and wait for her to bring it up.  There's no way she could actually pull off a move on her own, so this may all just go away when it doesn't provide the drama she's looking for.

[Fiasco]

Sneezy that's exactly what one of my friends said this morning. She knows I'm in her email and is almost certainly just trying to get a reaction from me. I think she hopes the reaction will be "gosh mom I wish you would move here so I could take better care of you" which could be followed by YEARS of drama where I shop for homes and beg her to move and she eventually decides not to. Holy crap that's exactly what her dream is, thank you for helping me figure it out!  She has been dropping hints about what she knows about the housing market here for the last couple of months. Every time she brings it up about how this neighborhood or that street has homes for sale I say "I don't know anything about it I'm not in the market for a second house". Grrrrrrrrrr.

[nanotech]

I'm sending hugs. I don't think she will actually move either. I think she's trying to stir up trouble, cause DRAMA, which they love.
Any attempt for her TO move, would undoubtedly require lots of help and compliance from you. So you do have control over that. If the subject comes up directly, I would just calmly boundary from the offset. General terms only, no JADE.
If you look at it logically, without the emotion she's garnered, it is just not a good idea.
Old ill folk shouldn't move thousands of miles. Old people shouldn't take on new financial commitments. Old people should  NOT give up all of their history, their local communities ties and services. They will miss them more that they think! So all, this, without the PD, makes it a Nono.
Just say she wasn't PD, and you got on well, and she wanted to move this distance, with no obvious claim on you or your time?  OMG it's  STILL such a terrible idea. THE chances of something going wrong for her financially or health wise, are high. She would  miss her familiar surroundings, her old home, the infrastructure of the state she now lives in.
My Nsister nearly did this to me a decade or so ago. Unfortunately then, I was still in the fog. I even got involved in helping her flat hunt for a place near me and my son. She was just about to view one, then at the same time I heard that I was going to become a granny. I was happy to tell her! I even envisaged her enjoying helping out with the new baby and babysitting etc. Hey, she wouldn't be lonely anymore!
But suddenly, for her, that was the end of the idea.
Her complete turnabout, after all the insane lovebombing, brought me to my senses.  They don't want to be close to family. They don't want to be sweet, huggy, and helpful.  They just want to be served, taken to the shops, fed, and looked after.
My Ndad had another reaction to my wonderful news. The week my first grandchild was born, he spent visiting A&E - he'd developed health anxiety. That pattern continued with only the pandemic stopping it - though it's started up again now.
They need ALL of the attention to be theirs.
There was also a time when my whole family lovebombed me in order to try to get me to move my elderly Ndad into my home. I suspect that as well as the convenience, it would mean that dad's home could be sold and the inheritance split. Again, all about them.
I just told them that I wasn't going to have dad move in with us, as I 'didn't think it ever worked out'. 
That's all I said as I'd learned by then not to JADE. I'd been JADING my whole life up till about 10years ago!  No is a full sentence , and it worked a treat.

[p123]

That is just crazy......

My MIL tried similar once. She got an idea in her head that she was going to sell her house (15 miles away) and move in with us. Didn't ask just announced it one day.
Worse still she said it to our 5 year old daughter as well.  As you can imagine a 5 year was over the moon about nanna moving in.

My wife and I not so. MIL was pretty shocked that no we didnt want her to move in. Her excuse "but X (our daughter) really wants me to". That was low - trying to use her grandkid to manipulate us.

She didn't like it when we pointed out that a 5 year old would be overjoyed if we told her the Easter Bunny moving in but it was never going to happen!

[Cat of the Canals]

This is my literal nightmare, both with my own PDmom and my PDmil. Thankfully, there's little chance either will actually do it. Not anytime soon, at least. I already have a response locked and loaded, though, just in case: "You're thinking of moving here? That's funny, we were just talking about moving ourselves!" 

You deserve an Expert Level badge for not taking the bait and responding to the subtext of her real estate queries!

[1footouttadefog]

....and She is getting supply from that nice realtor.

[Fiasco]

....and She is getting supply from that nice realtor.

Can you believe this, SOMEONE unsubscribed her from those emails! Bummer. 

[doglady]

Can you believe this, SOMEONE unsubscribed her from those emails! Bummer. 

Hahahaha. Did SOMEONE?
Classic. 

[Fiasco]

Five months later and I'm back with the same complaint. There might be something I should learn from that 😝

Since  the first realtor hasn't been in touch (lol) BPDm has gotten on a new realtors list to look at homes for sale in my town, which she's never even visited. I give up fighting against this, I went ahead and unblocked the first realtor so now she's getting all the emails from both. Maybe I'll sign her up for two or three more.

It's both physically and mentally impossible for her to DO anything about this fantasy. She can't keep track of anything financially I manage 100 percent of it to the point I took away her credit card and replaced it with a card with parental controls. She can barely ride in the car to get to doctors appointments I know she couldn't ride in a car for three days or take a flight. But God it makes me so angry. How do I stop being so mad?

[Fiasco]

Ooh I am hopping mad. I knew my spidey senses were tingling for a reason. Now there's an email confirmation that she's signed up with a service to help her find senior housing in my state. Holy $h!t.

[Cat of the Canals]

She's really pulling out all the stops, eh?

As for how to stop being mad... there's a whole lot of nonsense from my PDmom and PDmil that I've simply learned to laugh about because it can't actually harm me. Of course, if there were a shred of realism to your mother's fantasy, it wouldn't be so funny, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. Considering she's not particularly mobile or independent, this sounds like another bit of reaching. My guess is she's hoping you'll jump in and offer to take the reins. The good thing is you're too smart for that.  So have a chuckle at your mother's silly little pipe dream about this long distance, Golden Parachute Manuever that will simply never happen. 

[TimetoHeal]

Oh, fiasco, weren't we just saying our moms were one and the same on my thread? 

My mom's great solution to her needing help is refusing to move into senior living or assisted living, but moving in to a smaller home near me!!  I am terrified that it may actually happen though, because she already lives in the same city and she has a cousin who is a real estate agent, and she has the money to actually pay people to help her move.   

I know all I can do is refuse to be her caregiver even if she moves next door to me.  But just the thought of her being closer makes me want to throw up.   

[nanotech]

Yes I agree with everyone posting, just wait it out. Sounds like she wouldn't be able to organise it on her own. I also think she doesn't WANT to organise it herself.  They try and push us into things in sky and sneaky ways that don't damage their  false sense of pride/ superiority. Well that's why my dad never asks anything directly anyway. He hints, waits for me to offer.
And I used to fall for it!  Now I'm Out of the FOG and  his verbal manoeuvres fall flat.

When we moved house a few years ago, for the first time it was somewhere with extra rooms. My elderly UNPDDAD started with the
'Where's my room?'  chat. He even picked a room out, chuckling all the while. 

Then he began lovebombing beginning to praise our choice of town, how he preferred it to where he's living now ( he lives in a nice bungalow in a nice town about an hour away from us).
My NBROTHER later chimed in with this pressure, again in the guise of lovebombing. Prior to this he virtually wasn't speaking to me! 
I closed it down by telling my siblings
(they all joined in)  that in my view, intergenerational living.  ' just never works out.'  Then just repeated that until they stopped asking, and then they returned to totally ignoring me! ( they disliked my  social media boundaries so I then got ST regarding all communication.

Generalised, vague, yet firm reasons work the best.  Along the lines of medium chill, there's no temptation to JADE. Just REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT your generalised reason, despite all of the pushing to explain yourself in detail. 
I know your situation is a different. I really think it's designed though, to try to obligate you into taking her in.
If not, why not take up the suggestion here, that you are thinking of moving yourself?  That will put the tin lid on it.

[Fiasco]

Oh, fiasco, weren't we just saying our moms were one and the same on my thread? 

My mom's great solution to her needing help is refusing to move into senior living or assisted living, but moving in to a smaller home near me!!  I am terrified that it may actually happen though, because she already lives in the same city and she has a cousin who is a real estate agent, and she has the money to actually pay people to help her move.   

I know all I can do is refuse to be her caregiver even if she moves next door to me.  But just the thought of her being closer makes me want to throw up.   

It's somehow terrifying on a deep level that I don't know how to combat. Ugh!

Speaking with her last week and she goes "I've been looking at senior living in (your state) because (here come the TEARS) I don't want to die all alone!" UGGGGGGGGGG. I said that's a dumb idea what will you do if you move here and we have to move to another state? We used to move pretty frequently for my husband's job. If we're staying here (we are) I'll never admit it!

[Leonor]

Print out and tape near phone:

"Hmmm."

"Ah."

"Hmm."

"No."

"Hmm."

"I have to go now. Goodbye."

That's is. That's the extent of your convo.

"So I've been looking at places right near you ..."

"Hmmm."

"There's a nice place right by you, I think it might be perfect."

"Hmmm."

"Besides with my high blood pressure it would be good for you to be close."

"Hmmm."

"I spoke to your brother about it and he thinks it's a great idea."

"Hmmm."

"He even offered to fly in and help me pack, isn't he a dear."

"Ah."

"I would need you to sign a couple of papers for me first, though, so they could care for me if something happens, so I'll have them send that to you."

"No."

"No to the papers or no to someone to be there when something happens? Because, at my age, it's not really a question of if but when."

"No."

"You know, your brother has actually looked at the brochure and says he would talk to the administrator and even help me pack. You don't have to do anything, this is all being done for you, and you won't even sign a piece of paper to make sure they don't find me on the floor one day?"

"No."

"I can't believe you could be so unloving to me, maybe somehow I wasn't the perfect mother you had in your imagination but one thing you should know by now is that no one is perfect, not even you, and I still love you because that's what a mother is, is love, and if you can't appreciate that, then I don't know what else I can do, I'm all alone now, and one day you'll look back blah blah blah my neurosis blah ..."

"Hmmm. I have to go now. Goodbye."

[Fiasco]

Leonor I wasn't sure where you were going at first by by the time I got to the end I felt so relieved and "blah blah blah my neurosis blah" made me laugh out loud