New Here - So Confused - Verbal abuse??

[CleverFox]

Hi all. I am new. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years, married 4 this month. He has always had a bad temper. I figured it was just a temper issue. But the things he got mad over..I kept forgetting to close the garage, I forgot the empty the bag on the lawn mower..very small things - If I felt he was overreacting a bit I would get a bit offended and let him know that what he was doing was upsetting me. Then he would turn the conversation into the fact that I am "fighting him" on closing the garage door or whatever else task. After that he would LOSE it. The loudest screaming ive ever heard. I very rarely got apologies from those in the beginning but they were there.

Now, it happens so much. I left two baby syringes in the sink after doing dishes, and he started in with attitude. So, I sat down and waited for the verbal assault to commence. Loudest screaming again. Nowadays, it goes straight to "F**k you, F**k Off, you dont do anything for me, what do I even need you here for, you're so lazy, you selfish woman, you victim, "F**King VICTIM!!, you dont know how to treat a man because you never had a dad, you need god, you need to read the bible, I am the man of the house so I will be leading" etc. etc.

It now has gotten to the point that he holds the fact that I have a son from a previous marriage and a divorce decree that states I need to live in our county. He knew this. He worked out of state. He bought the house to live in before we got married. Now that we have two children of our own, he has been saying that I put him and my two youngest second to my oldest child and my ex husband. That if I loved him I would move out there with him and "figure it out" with my oldest son. (only 10 years old). Don't get me wrong...there's a lot more cuss words and insults and screaming and intimidating in there though. He threatens that he will take my babies to to his work (he works out of state) and that he is allowed to and I need to learn to be without them just like he has to leave them for work to know what it feels like. (my oldest son is on a schedule of two weeks on/two weeks off with my ex, so I know). He said he will spend every last penny of the money trying to take the babies from me and that I wont "come out smelling like roses" and he will still get access to my son. He says that he can have "his" kids and I can have my son and we'll all just visit.

He will say I said something when I didnt, say he said something when he didnt, blow so many things out of proportion. HE LECTURED ME AND STARTED A FIGHT OVER HOW I BREATHED ONE DAY. I feel as if I am losing my mind. My kids see him screaming at me. My husband used me as an example to my children for not following through with things when I left the baby medicine syringes after doing the dishes.

He says im not a wife to him, never have been. I am not supportive, I am a bad person, I act like a prostitute (because I joked one time that I 'gave it up already today'), he yells at me for things that have happened 5 years ago (ie the lawn mower and garage door) he says I never deal with anything and that I subject him to trauma due to my childhood (I had an abusive childhood) but I dont do anything to him. He is always yelling at me for something so tiny and weird. I give the wrong look, I breathe wrong, my tone was wrong, if I ever correct him or give him my opinion I am "making everything about myself".

I honestly dont think i'm doing anything wrong. I have forgotten things like the above, and accidentally left clothes in the washer and had to be rewashed. We have sex every single day that he is home but he SCREAMS at me that I never initiate.

The worst part is that these rages last 4-6 hours each. I am so freaking tired. I want to leave but then he is nice again and I just want a normal life.

WTF is going on? He used to be nice. I keep thinking he MUST have NPD. All he talks about is how awesome he is because of his work position and how his communication skills are off the charts and I dont talk to anyone because I am a stay at home mom, etc. etc. I dont think any of this is right but I am pretty sure that the trauma bonding has kept me from leaving. I really want to but I hate the thought of losing my family. The good times are good. The bad times are unbearable. But I think my kids are picking up. DD (2yr) asked him as he was lecturing me one day: "Daddy, why you talkin to momma?" meaning why is he speaking to me the way he is. Please give me strength to leave. I still love him. But I know what he is doing is so wrong and so damaging.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh, I am so sorry. Your situation sounds unbearable and my heart goes out to you and your children. It must feel like living with an active volcano. You never know when the next explosion comes.
I urge you to study the Toolbox and to start implementing the strategies from there. You might also consider making an escape plan when things escalate. Is there a women's shelter where you and your kids can flee to when the next rage happens?
Please inform yourself about what you are dealing with, and start working on yourself- the reasons why you allow yourself to be abused in such a way. Get counseling, join a self help group for people in abusive relationships, journal, record his rages and abuse on your phone, regain some independence and control over your life.
This site is full of information and support, you are not alone, we are all on this journey of healing from abusive relationships, welcome! I am glad you found us.

[escapingman]

CleverFox,

I can so relate to what you are writing, and it is certainly verbal and emotional abuse. You need to get out of there, he will never change. The criticism will never stop, he will always find a reason to complain and put you down. The stories you write about him having rage about the smallest thing, so true and so upsetting. My STBX uNPDw one day decided that the front door need to be locked at all times of the day and got into a rage with me for not locking the door. The next day, when she forgot to lock the door, she laughed it off as her just forgetting no big deal. You can't win.

Good luck!

[CleverFox]

CleverFox,

I can so relate to what you are writing, and it is certainly verbal and emotional abuse. You need to get out of there, he will never change. The criticism will never stop, he will always find a reason to complain and put you down. The stories you write about him having rage about the smallest thing, so true and so upsetting. My STBX uNPDw one day decided that the front door need to be locked at all times of the day and got into a rage with me for not locking the door. The next day, when she forgot to lock the door, she laughed it off as her just forgetting no big deal. You can't win.

Good luck!

Thank you so much. I have the resources to leave but I feel guilty for wanting to when he is nice to me. When he is horrible I'm making plans etc. Then I change my mind when he's nice. Most of the time I just use GR and he gets angry and says I don't have any passion for us or that I don't care. But if I do argue it's so much worse and he uses my words against me later on. I know I need to leave.

[CleverFox]

CleverFox,

I can so relate to what you are writing, and it is certainly verbal and emotional abuse. You need to get out of there, he will never change. The criticism will never stop, he will always find a reason to complain and put you down. The stories you write about him having rage about the smallest thing, so true and so upsetting. My STBX uNPDw one day decided that the front door need to be locked at all times of the day and got into a rage with me for not locking the door. The next day, when she forgot to lock the door, she laughed it off as her just forgetting no big deal. You can't win.

Good luck!

Thank you so much for your input. I know exactly how you feel. He's done these small things too and I think ok should I hulk out now? I feel guilty for trying to leave when he's nice. Even more guilty because I have the resources. But I HATE that my two year old daughter has had to console me and I really want to use that as my driving factor to leave. I don't want my boys to think it's ok to treat women like this either. I don't want my little girl to end up with men like this. It's devastating. And so confusing because it's like "why are you doing this?" And then just vague yelling about how I never make him happy or I never support him or listen to him.

[CleverFox]

CleverFox,
I'm so, so sorry for what you are facing. It sounds horrific.

If it isn't clear, let me say this: What you are experiencing is extremely abusive. There is no other way to look at it. You do not need to tolerate it or accept it.

Another thing I've heard that might be helpful: Your husband is the same person when he's abusing you verbally, and when he is being "nice". DO NOT Think of these as different people. It may be hard to believe these wildly different behaviors can come from the same person, but it's helped me when my uPDw is being "nice" to remember that this is just a different part of the cycle of abuse. He holds within him the same capabilities to be that horrible person the exact moment when he's being nice.

When he is being nice to you, he is lovebombing you. Or, he is in the "Idealize" part of the Idealize/Devalue/Discard cycle. Sadly, this is all predicable with people who are Personality Disordered. There are thousands of posts, articles, videos and such that describe this exact cycle and how it makes you feel (which hopefully makes you realize how it's manipulative in and of itself...and you're not alone).

Also, guilt is such a powerful tool used by the abuser. We all feel it when we are in these kinds of relationships. I frequently say to myself (even now), "maybe the things she's saying about me are right, and I deserve the way she treats me." NO!!! We have to stop this inner monologue. You deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect just the way you are.

You do not deserve to be sweared at. No one does.

Personality Disorders are a permanent mental illness that cannot be cured. There is no understanding why he is doing what he is doing. It is not going to get better. Every time he is nice and you think to yourself, "maybe this time it will be different," it won't.

There is so much to learn...when I first woke up to narcissism and narcissistic abuse a year or two ago, I was in shock for a while, and could not even believe this was real. I've grown so much through the Toolbox on this site, this Forum, books and YouTube videos. It CAN get better, but NOT because your husband will change...only if YOU change. That change might involve leaving, but it has to start with you.

As others have said, please keep posting on here and reading everything you can! We are here to support you, as many have walked through it (or are walking it now).

Thank you so much. The guilt is so bad right now. I am trying to hard to stay strong. I have every resource I need to leave. I am just really scared about changing our lives.

[Poison Ivy]

One thing that helped push me to file for divorce (from a spouse who was not abusive but had other issues) was to think about how my life would be in 5 years or 10 years if I didn't file for divorce. I knew my life wouldn't be better if we stayed married, but it likely would have been worse.

[CleverFox]

One thing that helped push me to file for divorce (from a spouse who was not abusive but had other issues) was to think about how my life would be in 5 years or 10 years if I didn't file for divorce. I knew my life wouldn't be better if we stayed married, but it likely would have been worse.

Yes, that makes sense. I am sure he would be doing the same stuff and the kids would be pretty messed up.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Please also consider that abuse tends to escalate over time. In five years, it might be your life, not your self esteem or sanity that is at stake.

[CleverFox]

Please also consider that abuse tends to escalate over time. In five years, it might be your life, not your self esteem or sanity that is at stake.

I have heard of that and I have been wanting to post a question about it but didn't know if it would be too triggering. I wanted to know if these little things my husband has been doing lately is "grooming" me or testing me, to hit me.

On dec 12th he was screaming at me in a bedroom that I was cleaning and then wouldn't let me out by side stepping. Tried about 8 times and then the last time he put two fingers each on my shoulders and gently pushed, I took a step back.. didn't fall over. I was just shocked so I sat on the bed and he said "oh don't look like that I didn't fkg abuse you.." and went about his yelling. At the end of it he said "get the fk out.." and let me out. I'm aware not letting someone out is considered DV as well as him putting his fingers on me, but I still haven't been hit.

The next little things I've noticed are that we'll be eating dinner and joking or doing random stuff and hanging out and he'll poke me in the ribs or the stomach and it'll be really hard... like hard enough for it to not be a joke, but we were laughing and talking and he just does it. Then he'll say oh I'm so sorry I didn't mean that. One time he said no I didn't do it that hard.. here do it to me. And I'm like no. So he'll try to convince he to do it to him. He's done the poking thing about 3-4 times now. It was just really odd to me.

[Poison Ivy]

I think your husband is physically abusing you.

[CleverFox]

I think your husband is physically abusing you.

But I don't get hit or shoved or anything like that.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with this definition: Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body. Sometimes abusive behavior does not cause pain or even leave a bruise, but it's still unhealthy.

[SonofThunder]

Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body. Sometimes abusive behavior does not cause pain or even leave a bruise, but it's still unhealthy.

  I 100% agree with that definition. CleverFox im so sorry you are experiencing emotional, verbal and physical abuse. 

You wrote "... he put two fingers each on my shoulders and gently pushed, I took a step back.. didn't fall over. I was just shocked so I sat on the bed and he said "oh don't look like that I didn't fkg abuse you.."

Poison Ivy's provided definition of "unwanted contact" describes what you experience.  The only reason imo, you didnt fall over is because of YOU. He did not know you would not fall over, therefore he was willing to cause you serious injury.

You also wrote:  "...then wouldnt let me out".   Being threateningly trapped against your will is also abuse.  You would have had to physically move him to escape the room.

An interesting part is that he read and said the word "abuse" from only your shocked look, which tells me he knows it WAS abuse, and his statement tells me he has a clear framework for what he considers abuse.  Because he already self-defined his threshold for what is considered abuse (in his mind),  it also tells me that his trapping and physically abusive actions were premeditated. 

Therefore I also agree with your statement: " I wanted to know if these little things my husband has been doing lately is "grooming" me or testing me, to hit me." . 

I believe he is steadily conditioning you to fear him and then also finding where your abuse definition boundaries lie.  Imo, his conditioning with fear may allow him to try and move your own 'abuse' boundaries, which are already beyond Poison Ivy's definition.

Please consider immediately protecting yourself and your children using all protective services available to you in your area. (Police, lawyer etc). 

SoT

[CleverFox]

Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body. Sometimes abusive behavior does not cause pain or even leave a bruise, but it’s still unhealthy.

  I 100% agree with that definition. CleverFox im so sorry you are experiencing emotional, verbal and physical abuse. 

You wrote “… he put two fingers each on my shoulders and gently pushed, I took a step back.. didn't fall over. I was just shocked so I sat on the bed and he said "oh don't look like that I didn't fkg abuse you.."

Poison Ivy’s provided definition of “unwanted contact” describes what you experience.  The only reason imo, you didnt fall over is because of YOU. He did not know you would not fall over, therefore he was willing to cause you serious injury.

You also wrote:  “…then wouldnt let me out”.   Being threateningly trapped against your will is also abuse.  You would have had to physically move him to escape the room.

An interesting part is that he read and said the word “abuse” from only your shocked look, which tells me he knows it WAS abuse, and his statement tells me he has a clear framework for what he considers abuse.  Because he already self-defined his threshold for what is considered abuse (in his mind),  it also tells me that his trapping and physically abusive actions were premeditated. 

Therefore I also agree with your statement: “ I wanted to know if these little things my husband has been doing lately is "grooming" me or testing me, to hit me.” . 

I believe he is steadily conditioning you to fear him and then also finding where your abuse definition boundaries lie.  Imo, his conditioning with fear may allow him to try and move your own ‘abuse’ boundaries, which are already beyond Poison Ivy’s definition.

Please consider immediately protecting yourself and your children using all protective services available to you in your area. (Police, lawyer etc). 

SoT

Thank you very much for your input. It's really odd being in this situation. Because logically I know that what he is doing by screaming and yelling and saying awful things isn't right, but my brain keeps saying "well maybe it's not that bad, maybe if I keep doing better, etc.". But I feel that I cannot stop the small things (i.e. leaving two small baby syringes in the sink, forgetting to close the garage door) because I'm human so I feel the screaming will never stop. He also tells me during his rages that he doesn't want to do this anymore and that he doesn't want to be with me and he wants only his kids.

But right now, he is being nice to me. It's not like everyone else's where there is a period of months where they ignore. It's like one day he's screaming bloody murder and the next day he's nice... until something sets him off. I can also tell when he's baiting. I usually could always tell that. The niceness seems genuine so I feel so guilty for trying to leave.

Don't worry, I have a plan in place that is supposed to kick off in two weeks, but for whatever reason I'm so scared of hurting him. I'm definitely in therapy but she's on vacation and won't be back until Monday so she doesn't know about my plan yet.

How do other people stay? I WISH I got the silent treatment. Almost daily we have to have a "serious discussion" about how I do so little for him and it turns into insults and threats to take the kids and make me move out of state to leave my son behind. I'm so uncomfortable that I feel I have to leave because I'm too scared he'll actually force me to move and leave behind my 10 year old son!

[Spotter]

I am one who stayed, but the worst my UPDH got sounds nowhere close to what you go through. I spent years wondering why he was so mean to me, and believing that if I could just find the right words he would understand and try to change—twenty years to be exact. He went through a very paranoid phase 5 years ago that was just about enough for me to end it, but he got therapy and generally does better. He still comes out with somebody real doozies though.  If I had known back after I had my first child what I know now I almost certainly would have ended it (or more precisely not have begged and pleaded with him not to go, or let him come back after he left).

[CleverFox]

I am one who stayed, but the worst my UPDH got sounds nowhere close to what you go through. I spent years wondering why he was so mean to me, and believing that if I could just find the right words he would understand and try to change—twenty years to be exact. He went through a very paranoid phase 5 years ago that was just about enough for me to end it, but he got therapy and generally does better. He still comes out with somebody real doozies though.  If I had known back after I had my first child what I know now I almost certainly would have ended it (or more precisely not have begged and pleaded with him not to go, or let him come back after he left).

Do you have examples of what you had been through? If you don't want to share, please don't feel pressure to. I'm really trying hard to figure out if I'm crazy, idk i feel crazy. I feel so guilty for making a plan to leave.

[escapingman]

Not sure if this would trigger you, but I go back to one of the moments my uNPDw was at her worst. Then I try to put myself back into the situation and how I felt during that episode. Then all my guilt is gone.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Cleverfox,

You wrote "But right now, he is being nice to me. It's not like everyone else's where there is a period of months where they ignore. It's like one day he's screaming bloody murder and the next day he's nice... until something sets him off"

I want to suggest you consider three things.  First, the IDD cycle is Idealize, devalue and discard.  That cycle can be very short or very long.  In my experiences, there are short IDD cycles (hours, days, weeks) within much longer IDD cycles (months, years).  My uPDw can attempt to run the entire cycle in hours, to get me to respond, but she also has a much longer, larger overarching IDD cycle that takes about 3 years. 

Second, the drama triangle is similar in nature but not the same concept.  It describes roles that 2 or more play in these type of relationships.  If you have not considered, look up the Karpman drama triangle and see if it possibly fits your relationship, as you both dance around the roles. 

Third is normalization.  Definition is here on Out of the FOG (link below). 
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/normalizing

Wishing you safety, strength, clarity, confidence and relief,

SoT

[CleverFox]

SoT,

Thank you so much!! It's all so confusing! Like logically I know what he's doing is not ok, but it's basically like a form of brainwashing. It gets so hard at times and then I'm like screw this. And then he's nice and I second guess myself.