high school/college friend

Jolie40 · March 15, 2022, 08:59:02 AM

have a high school/college friend/was in her wedding party
she has never acknowledged my child
her Christmas cards are only addressed to husband/me

I'm good friends with her mom who said her daughter was jealous of me being a parent
this friend is married with no kids

ok, my kid is now a teen
how long does it take to get over jealously?

Note: she was diagnosed with bipolar shortly after college
she wanted to adopt but social worker said no due to bipolar

Starboard Song · March 15, 2022, 09:49:12 AM

It is so hard when our friends let us down.

She may just struggle with it, and may always do so. There's also a very real phenomenon, that folks have a hard time knowing how to address the spouses, even, and the children of their old friend. I send Christmas cards to my friend "Anne", not to her and her husband, or to the whole family.

I'd suggest going easy on your friend. Engage her fully, ask good questions about her and talk about yours. And remember, some friends just have limited capacity.

Good luck to you.

blacksheep7 · March 15, 2022, 11:24:44 AM

Sorry Jolie 40.
It's sad when someone is jealous of your life instead of being happy for you. They are hurt and frustrated.

I also had a bff in high school, attended her small wedding. She then moved all over the country and a few years later suprised me with her visit. We lost touch for decades until I went of Fakebook. I wrote her a nice message, excited, telling her that I had a daughter who was born on the same date as her, blah blah blah.

All I got was a Fakebook friend invitation and «nice hearing from you, hope you're doing well». No mention of my daughter.

She has no children and does not seem to have a mental health condition, she worked in the field.
I still have her as a FB friend, do not follow her. Go look once in a while. Only once she did make a nice comment about my g-daughter. I just don't bother anymore.

Jolie40 · March 15, 2022, 10:27:29 PM

Quote from: Starboard Song on March 15, 2022, 09:49:12 AM
I'd suggest going easy on your friend.

we send out photo Christmas cards
I have avoided sending them to friend & just send regular cards since don't want to trigger her

Jolie40 · March 15, 2022, 10:31:21 PM

Quote from: blacksheep7 on March 15, 2022, 11:24:44 AM
All I got was a Fakebook friend invitation and «nice hearing from you, hope you're doing well». No mention of my daughter.

guess there really is a big divide between woman who have kids and those who do not

my kid is such a huge part of my life but need to realize others don't care about my kid
exception some teachers- there's a couple teachers this year that love my kid

moglow · March 16, 2022, 10:43:42 AM

Jolie40, her being childless may not be a choice, thus attempts at adoption and avoidance of any conversation about children or parenting. It may not be that she doesn't care, but just struggles with it in general. I can understand how that could be - years ago I declined any and all baby showers, birthday parties etc outside my immediate family. I just couldn't do it and refused to put myself or anyone else in that position.

Due to experience with my own, I'd be hesitant to accept her mother's explanations at face value. I say that because I could too easily see mine brushing my feelings off as jealousy and honestly not knowing the real reason.

I'm working on giving others grace and accepting what's offered, trying to not beat myself up over what I see as their failures. We all have stuff, ya know?

Jolie40 · March 17, 2022, 11:47:48 AM

Quote from: moglow on March 16, 2022, 10:43:42 AM
Due to experience with my own, I'd be hesitant to accept her mother's explanations at face value. I say that because I could too easily see mine brushing my feelings off as jealousy and honestly not knowing the real reason.
We all have stuff, ya know?

due to not having a mom ever in my corner, I became very close to HS friend's mom
she even let me live at their house for a month when I couldn't stand being in that house anymore

"mom" is much closer to me than my HS friend
we still talk by phone & an hour each time!
I trust her & believe HS friend is jealous of me being a parent

that said, I don't think HS friend will EVER acknowledge my child

you are right Moglow....everyone has stuff!
maybe she can never accept that she is childless
plus plus her bipolar affects her entire life....she is still in a bipolar support group after all these years

Hilltop · March 17, 2022, 06:56:34 PM

Sorry Jollie40 that sounds hard. It can be very confusing. I would say you can't really know how your friend is feeling unless you spoke to her about it. I personally wouldn't take her mothers views as the truth. My mother and my MIL both told my sister and SIL that I was jealous when they were pregnant. It simply wasn't true. Just because I was struggling with infertility didn't mean I was jealous of others, I was very happy for them, I just had a lot going on and although I was frustrated with my own situation I was still happy for others. I can say that until I'm blue in the face and some people simply don't believe me, there is a view that people are jealous when in actual fact they may simply be swamped with their own problems. I do acknowledge that some women do feel jealous or admit to feeling that however unless your friend says that I would be careful with blindly accepting others views on the situation. After that my sister and SIL were both weird around me and I picked up on them feeling uncomfortable, which made me uncomfortable and it was messy all around. I would suggest engaging with your friend as you would anyone else and not treating her any differently.

I must admit my heart does break a little for your friend. To go to adopt and told no due to your bipolar. Like she is defective and not good enough to be a mother, ouch. That is really hard, that is heart breaking. You say she is still in a support group for her bipolar. It does sound like she has a lot to process and may simply not have that added bandwidth and she may never have that bandwidth.

To tell you the truth, I think your friends actions have very little to do with you. I just think she has her own problems that she is trying to deal with. Perhaps your worlds have moved in different directions and you may not connect as well as you use to. It happens. If you still want to reach out I would do so as you would anyone else, just be yourself.

Just be kind to her. Life can be bumpy. I get you are disappointed and feel let down by her. Try to concentrate on those who are available.

Jolie40 · March 18, 2022, 03:33:53 AM

Quote from: Hilltop on March 17, 2022, 06:56:34 PM
To tell you the truth, I think your friends actions have very little to do with you. I just think she has her own problems that she is trying to deal with.
Try to concentrate on those who are available.

I think you're right that she has enough of her own problems

HS friend's mom is the one available
last time "mom" and I spoke, she laughed a lot & said "I'm funny"
she says "I love you" when we go to hang up
she's also interested in my kid & likes to talk a few moments with my kid

I'd visit a lot when in HS
she'd bake bread & we'd eat it fresh out of oven