Am I the Only One?

[Falsebalance]

Am I the only one beating myself up and analyzing everything?

Just some thinking....maybe I'm a bad person.

I have made excuses so long for why...

And I look back and see if I would have demanded better treatment I would have been abandoned and that was deeply driven into me from week 3 of our relationship....and I couldnt face the abandonment after the love bombing....Dr. Ramini's videos make me even more upset with myself.

I look back and see all of the signs now.

"If I didn't want you here you wouldn't be here..." that's what I always got when I cried and said it felt like he didn't care about me.

My family before I cut them out tried to tell me he was abusive to me. I didn't trust them because THEY were abusive. It is like they didn't want to lose me to another predator... not that they cared about my wellbeing.

I thought eventually we would figure things out. I never quit trying. I thought one day he would heal and I would stop being so annoying and whatever else he told me to believe about myself.

I have always made friends so easily....but my parents and uNPDStbx told me if people knew the *real* me they wouldn't like me. And I was in that cage of fear a long time.  I believed there was something extremely wrong with me. So eventually I started avoiding friendships and letting my uNPDstbx "explain" my behaviors when I wasn't around. Who knows what he really says about me. People started acting weird around me like the hairdresser I found and adored...he started getting his hair cut by her and said he explained "how I am" to her....I go in today without him. Ever since he did that I felt she kind of watched me out of her peripheral more. I have to be careful today around her and not set off any alarm bells I'm leaving so she doesn't mention anything to him and inadvertently give him information.

And i had three of his children and he came to every appointment and everyone thought he was amazing for that...and I felt like maybe it was just hormones but I resented his presence because he made the appointment about himself with jokes and I had to play his part and be the happy bubbly wife....what was I going to do? Confide in the midwife how unhappy I was? How tired and alone I was once there were no witnesses? Everyone told me hormones makes you resent even the best husband....so for almost 6 years I've been chalking it up to hormones.

It has been a Rollercoaster. I hear the pistons fire as he is ready for another go and I'm NOT willing to get back on that stupid ride!

He likes to keep us out of the house. He won't eat home cooked meals. I thought maybe my cooking was terrible and worked hard to get excellent at cooking.....but now I think it is because his reward for a hard day's work is to go out in public and (his words) show me off....and get adoration from people on "what a lovely family!"

I hated jocks and never wanted to be a trophy wife. And he appeared to be the surfer type at first. Then I realized one day he wasn't that guy - it was his college roommate....and his college roommate and I connected immediately after meeting 5 years later and there was a palpable sense that we would have been compatible. There was an anguish. He played a song in front of me and then we were alone a moment and he hugged me and I ran away to avoid anything else. I realized I fell for the mask that was actually his roommates identity...and his roommate when we would go visit over the years he and I could talk for hours. It was the second time we visited I saw through everything and I wept and wept and couldn't explain myself. I never allowed myself alone around roommate after that even when he would come visit here because I think all three of us saw it and I couldn't hurt them both.

Hope I'm making sense. It's all been without words or inappropriate actions but it was palpable.

I got lost in a three hour conversation with roommate and his friends and husband was shoving his mouth full of ice cream sandwiches in the kitchen in the dark. That was when something clicked....and I felt such embarrassment for him that I made it my duty to heal that in him and show him I accepted him for who he really was. Then suddenly he relaxed and reverted back to his high school self...(almost like he expected me to leave him for his old roommate or at least cheat or something)!? for the past 7 years he has acted like a jock/bully and he wants me to be the adoring cheerleader....and for many reasons I'm not into that.  His roommate played football at college too - but he doesn't have the toxic-jock mentality. He loves snowboarding and surfing like me and sports and staying in shape but because we love it not because we want to shove it in peoples face. He is very laid back and easy going... Hope I'm not offending anyone.

I've been playing the part trying to keep him happy.

I quit. I'm putting in my notice.

And then he has used divorce as a means of controlling me. Always threatening divorce.

This time it felt different...like he meant it. But maybe what it really was - is that I was ready for him to mean it... 

And now while he keeps the silent treatment going I feel bad that he doesn't realize how serious I am and that this time I'm doing something about it.


I feel like a terrible person. I'm scared to be the sole provider and have to deal with him the rest of my children's childhoods and lose them to him in his custody times. It will give me some time to heal but when I think about them gone away from me I weep.

It feels like he DOES majorly dislike me especially since I've gotten a backbone (side effect of having babies and knowing without a doubt the kind of healthy environment I expected and envision for them)...

Is he discarding me and wanting me to do all of the dirty work?

Or has he pushed me too far and doesn't realize?


Does anyone else feel like the bad one for ending it? I can see clearly this is abuse. I can see because I grew up this way I am trauma bonded to him (severing it every day an inch more)! And I stayed because chasing someone and rarely receiving reciprocation and affection felt familiar.

I created the pedestal for him.  I can destroy it. In fact now seeing behind the curtain how vulnerable he really is - I could destroy him!  (But wouldn't). And realize if roles were reversed he would gladly use anything to destroy me. He wouldn't hesitate if it meant keeping his supply.

But I feel so sad for what he will be without me. I have been what makes him human almost.

I'm disgusted with myself for giving my children this kind of life. I know it will all get better but I'm grieving so heavily and he just whistles and leaves for his job like nothing is wrong in the world.

I wish he would discard me completely so I could be free. I wish he meant it when he said he was moving out and actually just disappeared. Instead he wants me to stay in this hell with him.  If he can't get out he doesn't want me getting out either.

Either that or he wants to be able to tell the kids and everyone else that I'm the one that ended it.

Yeah. I'm going to be proud of myself for that someday.....but for now..... I feel like a quitter. I feel like I've made a complete mess of my life and no matter what I will have to deal with him in some capacity a very long time....and my kids will have to deal with him.....

He was wearing me down to nothing anyway....so if I had stayed I probably would have gotten very very ill anyway. I'm always sick. I think it's a side effect of denying what it really is and heaping his burdens on my shoulders.

Am I the only one going back and forth on being hopeful that getting out is the right thing and better late than never?

I see some people stay and can just stay away from their spouse or do MC and GR. I feel like I'm failing because I can't live like that. I'm not strong enough right now.

And I don't want to let my children grow up the way I did - having to be actors in a parent's play every day.

I will lose them like that.

I have always been taught not to put kids before a spouse.
But that's what I'm going to do. My kids and myself.

[CleverFox]

You're not the only one. I feel so guilty for wanting to leave because there are good times and he says he loves me. Then there are times he yells and screams and says I'm a bad person, bad wife, and I don't do anything for him and never have.

I am so confused and conflicted. I also feel guilty for not leaving because I have the resources and many other women don't.

You are not alone in this. I am trying so hard to focus on the fact that my 2 year old daughter has consoled me when crying after my husband verbally destroyed me. My daughter is NOT responsible for consoling me.

I hope you, both of us, find the determination and strength to know that this isn't right. That the niceness doesn't last very long. No matter what, if we leave... we WILL be ok.

[Falsebalance]

Cleverfox!

I too have the resources to leave!

Meeting with a lawyer tomorrow and I feel as if I'm abandoning a child.

I feel like I am betraying him. 



And then later it can become for us.

Your response helped me not feel so alone.

I still love him but I hate that he is abusive and broken. I tried for over a decade to help. I was broken too and trying to fix that...so I think i felt guilty for focusing on my own issues and working on myself but then i realize that's what i was supposed to be doing...and he wasnt doing his...but  children made that a priority for me and this whole time I'm screaming "wake up!  Wake up" in my head because he has a wife willing to love him and work through issues and children who still forgive only the way small ones can do. 

But sadly  - I don't think he is going to wake up.

He would have to face the immensely broken little boy inside and he has far too much pride to do so.

At least for now.

It kind of helps me to think if I'm wrong - he'll prove me wrong.  If I'm right.... then I'm protecting myself... and I deserve a life I can be proud of too...

I realize I've been part of this equation.  That makes it harder. I feel guilty for that. 

[CleverFox]

Cleverfox!

I too have the resources to leave!

Meeting with a lawyer tomorrow and I feel as if I'm abandoning a child.

I feel like I am betraying him. 



And then later it can become for us.

Your response helped me not feel so alone.

I still love him but I hate that he is abusive and broken. I tried for over a decade to help. I was broken too and trying to fix that...so I think i felt guilty for focusing on my own issues and working on myself but then i realize that's what i was supposed to be doing...and he wasnt doing his...but  children made that a priority for me and this whole time I'm screaming "wake up!  Wake up" in my head because he has a wife willing to love him and work through issues and children who still forgive only the way small ones can do. 

But sadly  - I don't think he is going to wake up.

He would have to face the immensely broken little boy inside and he has far too much pride to do so.

At least for now.

It kind of helps me to think if I'm wrong - he'll prove me wrong.  If I'm right.... then I'm protecting myself... and I deserve a life I can be proud of too...

I realize I've been part of this equation.  That makes it harder. I feel guilty for that.

Absolutely, I feel so guilty because I do love him and there are times that he is nice. But I am SO tired of being scared that he will walk by crumbs and FREAK out. Or waiting for the next rage. And then he's nice again. And we think it is safe to stay. Then it happens all over again.

We can do this. The guilt is overwhelming but then the rage is unbearable. I do not want my kids thinking that this is OK. There will be crying and begging. and we will have to make sure that we are strong. I do not think these outbursts are ok. We know that we deserve better.

[Falsebalance]

Agreed. I'm with you!

I don't know about you - but the divorce threats only started after children (because he knows it is my biggest fear to have a broken home)

So. The marriage and the house are the only chips he has left to control me. I have decided my peace and my ability to be present for my children is worth a marriage and a house. (And of course the nights I'll miss my children...but women keep popping up in my path and telling me it'll be alright and the kids adjust and so will mom).

Our children suffer because we have to constantly placate another adult! They didn't ask for it or chose the relationship.

I'm dreading the tears and the begging. Dreading.

Here's to our biggest test as mothers yet!!

[CleverFox]

Agreed. I'm with you!

I don't know about you - but the divorce threats only started after children (because he knows it is my biggest fear to have a broken home)

So. The marriage and the house are the only chips he has left to control me. I have decided my peace and my ability to be present for my children is worth a marriage and a house. (And of course the nights I'll miss my children...but women keep popping up in my path and telling me it'll be alright and the kids adjust and so will mom).

Our children suffer because we have to constantly placate another adult! They didn't ask for it or chose the relationship.

I'm dreading the tears and the begging. Dreading.

Here's to our biggest test as mothers yet!!

Yes, its already killing me. I love him still so I cant stand to see the tears or hear it or anything. I would rather him be angry and cuss at me like he normally does. Are you jumping anytime soon?

[JustKeepTrying]

FB,

You are not alone and what you are feeling and experiencing is valid.

I was married to a xOCPDh for more than 30 years.  I thought it was his past trauma,  his abusive NM, work, etc etc etc.  I made so many excuses and let the years slip by.  My kids are not ok and I really encourage them to get counseling but they are in their late 20s and will do what they will.  I so wish I had left earlier - had the courage to walk.

The decades of stress have left a permanent physical strain on my body.

If you are ready, and you can do it, know there is no shame, you are doing this for you and your kids and all of your futures.  This isn't easy and it isn't without great thought and consideration.  I applaud your strength.

[Falsebalance]

Agreed. I'm with you!

I don't know about you - but the divorce threats only started after children (because he knows it is my biggest fear to have a broken home)

So. The marriage and the house are the only chips he has left to control me. I have decided my peace and my ability to be present for my children is worth a marriage and a house. (And of course the nights I'll miss my children...but women keep popping up in my path and telling me it'll be alright and the kids adjust and so will mom).

Our children suffer because we have to constantly placate another adult! They didn't ask for it or chose the relationship.

I'm dreading the tears and the begging. Dreading.

Here's to our biggest test as mothers yet!!

Yes, its already killing me. I love him still so I cant stand to see the tears or hear it or anything. I would rather him be angry and cuss at me like he normally does. Are you jumping anytime soon?

CF - I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow I am currently in a devalue phase so have been in about three months of on and off again silent treatment.

He said he wanted a divorce and was moving out and I suddenly woke up and saw it for what it is - a big fat threat to keep me in line.

Guess what? Suddenly my eldest child is opening up to me. He sees me taking action. He has heard more than I want him to...but suddenly there is a deeper trust. Like he can relax and be a kid. I'm hearing things from him about his likes and dislikes *suddenly*.....there is yet another sign!

I'm trying to be smart. It feels so secretive and like I'm betraying him. 

I have decided not all abuse is the obvious violence. This is more like he is slowly killing both of us. Me from the stress....him from self loathing/eating.

[Falsebalance]

FB,

You are not alone and what you are feeling and experiencing is valid.

I was married to a xOCPDh for more than 30 years.  I thought it was his past trauma,  his abusive NM, work, etc etc etc.  I made so many excuses and let the years slip by.  My kids are not ok and I really encourage them to get counseling but they are in their late 20s and will do what they will.  I so wish I had left earlier - had the courage to walk.

The decades of stress have left a permanent physical strain on my body.

If you are ready, and you can do it, know there is no shame, you are doing this for you and your kids and all of your futures.  This isn't easy and it isn't without great thought and consideration.  I applaud your strength.

JKT

Thank you!

Thank you so much for your response.

I will take your words with me in the morning as I meet with the attorney!

I'm sorry for what you've suffered.

I wrote out our entire history tonight and realized from the very beginning his family chasing after him was his supply.

I was just part of that dynamic making them chase him. And once I made the healthy demand to be off limits (me and the baby!) to his abusive Foo I cut off the supply and ever since he has used threats of divorce to keep me in line while he plots his ultimate revenge on his FOO (chalk full of wicked PDs)

And when he finds out I'm filing for divorce I think he is going to go nuclear because this will look like failure and ruin his plot to have his family begging for his presence....either that or he'll try to use the kids as bait to get them back in the picture just to ultimately get my goat.

He doesn't care about the kids well being. He only sees himself.

I am so sad to realize he never saw me.

He always saw himself and how I benefited his ultimate plan.

And our children are no more significant. He wants to use them to punish his FOO by not allowing them to see them.

It all makes some kind of crazy sense now.

The three Cs!

I'm so sorry the years you went through.

I am in my 30s and my body after three babies and all of this constant fight or flight fawn or freeze is starting to give up. So I realize either he kills me by wearing me out and he will have his own world with the kids without me to help them learn how to be decent human beings...

Or I leave and at least they have me for some guidance and I can live a bit longer.

Oh it is so painful!
Big hugs to you.

[JustKeepTrying]

As you work through the information from your lawyer, I would like to offer you some advice for this next incredibly stressful period.

Please post in separated and/or divorcing.  Ask for advice.  Read it all and post frequently.  Each phase/step is difficult and you will need the support.

If you are in the US, take a look at thehotline.org.  They have a great hotline and the site is dedicated to domestic violence.  You are experiencing domestic violence.  Put them on speed dial under a secret name so if you need to get out fast, you and the kids can get somewhere safe.  This is the riskiest period and violence can erupt at this time.  Be very careful.

Pack a go bag for all of you.  Tonight.  Now.  Meds, clothes, papers, id, cash, toiletries.  Keep it light.  Hide it and know the security of having it handy if you need to.  Yes, this comes of melodramatic but every person feels that until it is too late.  Packing a bag only gives you peace of mind.

Consider, if you can, moving out when the papers are served - with the kids.  Talk to you lawyer first of course.  But if you take the kids - and don't refuse him visitation - then you may be in a better place very quickly.

Get a copy of everything.  Marriage certificate, birth certificates, mortgage/lease/car papers/tax returns/bank accounts/  Anything and Everything you think you may need.  Buy a ream of paper, a cartridge of ink and go to town on that printer when he is out of the house.  Take snaps with your phone and save it to a private cloud.  You are going to need all of that info at some point and the time is now.

Inventory your house.  Take a video of every room and closet.  Make a list of what you want.

Yeah, this sounds overwhemlming but it is doable.  I did all of the above in three days working through the night while he slept.  I am so glad I did!

Good luck to you.