"Mothers who can't love' really helps

[mary_poppins]

Hi all.

A friend recommended me this book by Susan Forward, "Mothers who can't love". The author makes you write some exercises to un-do the negative programming shaped by a PD mother and I found that it's very helpful. When she lists some statements that my mother could have said, I realized that she didn't said those things word by word but the idea was the same. For example, 'You are my whole life'. My mother never said this to me but she would often tell me that she cannot live without her children and that her children are her biggest success. (which is a very scary thing for a child to hear). The author wants us to re-interpret these toxic beliefs and create new ones.

I also found out that I am sabotaging my entire career and romantic life because I don't want to make my mother envious/jealous on me. Susan says that children of PD mothers choose situations in life in which they don't use their potential because living a good life is threatening to them.
The programming was that you're not allowed to thrive if the mother is unhappy or has made bad financial or relationship choices.

I thought that I'm old enough to not do this anymore. I've lived through various situations and had great relationships but I think, deep down, the need to self-sabotage to not bring shame/discomfort/pain to the family is still there, lingering in the subconscious mind. So i need to undo this belief.

I hope this post helps someone.

[Amadahy]

Thank you so much for the recommendation!  My N mother went to long-term care almost two years ago and I'm having a very hard time embracing joy in my life because I imagine her to be joy-less.  The truth is, she has never been satisfied or happy and I have been programmed to think I should therefore not be satisfied or happy.  To be so would betray her, somehow.  It is ridiculous, but a strong and pervasive belief we developed as little ones, before we knew better.  At my center, my real true self, I am a grateful and happy person, so I am feeling quite double-minded and sometimes crazy as my real true self desires expression, but this false programming won't let go.  I'm sure the exercises would be helpful for me.  Thank you!!

[Hilltop]

Mary_Poppins yeah I can see how I self sabotage in my life.  However I am the SG and I really feel that my family don't want me to succeed and I have definitely listened and believed those negative programs given by my family.  Thanks for the recommendation.

I've been watching you tube video's and re-read another book recently and they seem to follow similar advice.  Recognise the programming, change the negative talk and programming, build an inner mother or learn to self nurture and then learn about yourself.  I seem to have gotten stuck with recognising the programming where I see it happening, I would see the insults/mocking but hadn't moved past that phase.

It's funny I have now had distance physically from my parents for 2 1/2 years.  Before that I just had so many insults and mocking coming my way that I was always off balance.  I would deal with one insult and then another would come my way.  I was in a state of always being hurt about something said or done.  I just didn't get a break long enough to catch my breath. I knew the insults were wrong but couldn't see the ongoing pattern. Now with the distance and being away from further insults I am only now starting to move forward and be able to recover. I feel like I have started to catch my breathe.

I am now really seeing all the patterns and the programming.  I am now starting to undo some of the negatives sent my way.  Now that they are not around for further insults I have energy to learn to self soothe.  It can be unsettling at times and stir things up inside me but I am dealing with that myself and I feel much better.  I must admit learning to undo that negative self talk is hard but I'll just keep at it.

I did spend some time feeling guilty for the distance however now I am starting to see how much I need it.  Thanks for the recommendation.  It is hard to see the programming in the subconscious mind but I figure that as we see it more and more we won't be able to un see it.

Thanks for the recommendation, it's very useful.