How to stay strong while trying to break this sick cycle???

[Legalmindhelp]

Let me first say that I'm sorry that everybody has to be on this forum for whatever reason that they are here. Let me also just say that I know that there are people who are in much worse situation than I am and I'm really sorry about that as well. God bless you all in your individual struggles.

History: Been with my husband almost 14 years. He is 62 and I am 59. Stupidly married him 20 months ago knowing there were issues. He disregards my feelings and disrespects my wishes imposing his will over mine. Very recent neuro-psych report diagnosed him with conduct disorder as a child and said that, though he is not ASPD, he has some of those traits, which the psych believes are responsible for his interpersonal relationship problems.

My husband is not violent, but still harmful. Against my wishes he recently interfered with a construction project I am funding, after he has been told, repeatedly, not to do so. I am prone to anger and impatience, I have heart issues and my own neuro-psych exam (2014) says I have anxiety with PTSD symptoms.

Husband has been in counseling since last May, with no improvement that I can see.  I had my ah-ha moment about a week ago.  I am a lawyer and can do my own divorce.

Problem:  Following through and divorcing this man.  I am a rescuer, fix it person who is apparently attracted to charity cases.  (I have been doing alot of reading and those definitions completely apply to me in this and my previous marriage.) One of two days away from my husband's latest transgression and my resolve weakens.  I am the best thing to ever happen to him (though that is not what I want my tombstone to read). We have broken up and gotten back together countless times. I almost made it to the divorce hearing last year at this time, after having filed just five months after our wedding. My mom lives in another state and was on her deathbed with Covid and I was unable to come home for the hearing. My husband was good enough to come and pick me up and take me back home in a blinding storm in his semi truck. I withdrew the complaint while I was away.

I have since regretted withdrawing the complaint and now have to go through it all over again. If anyone here could give me some pointers on how to keep my resolve and go through with the divorce I would greatly appreciate it. As a person who apparently is attracted to charity cases, my guilt is overwhelming. When I divorce my husband he will lose his home, his health insurance and essentially I am his close social contact outside of his brother. He will lose most everything, yet this does not bother him in the least. He continues with his passive aggressive behavior.

I really need some advice on how to keep my results strong and keep my focus on myself through the next year. Right after my aha moment I had a trip out of town to check on my mother. I have a doctors appointment when I get home and I will be seeking therapy with a psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in ASPD. I am reading the book Out of the FOG. I am on this forum. If anybody else can volunteer any other helpful suggestions or aids to help me stay focused and resolved I would greatly appreciate it.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have found the author and counsellor Kris Godinez very helpful. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

Be a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe don't absorb.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[notrightinthehead]

There is an excellent book by Fjelstad, "Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" which helped me a lot. Maybe it could be useful to you too. And MacKenzie "Psychpath free" and "Whole again" might help you with your resolve.

[Poison Ivy]

One thing that helps me get through difficult times is to remind myself that merely because something is painful doesn't mean it's something I shouldn't do. Examples: getting dental work done; getting vaccinated; filing for and not dropping a divorce. (Yes, I've done all three.)

[guitarman]

This FREE online Global Resilience Summit March 29th to April 3rd maybe of interest to you. I have no connection to the event.

I posted about it in the Other Media Resources section of the forum.

When we work on building our own self esteem and resilience we are able to cope better, as abusers are all about power and control.

https://www.globalresiliencesummit.org/

[Legalmindhelp]

Thank you guitar man, not right in the head and poison ivy!

I will certainly check into all the resources. Husband had counseling today. Turns out, he says his sessions consists of his complaining of my anger issues. Good to hear. That really strengthened my resolve. I asked him if his therapists are recommending that he leaves if things are so bad for him. The silence was deafening and then he said he did not want to listen to me and was gonna block me. So sick of never being able to have an adult discussion with him. Always childish drama. He will never willingly leave....

Gonna start logging resolving events sort of a shorthand journal I can consult when feeling weak. And, of course, I will be checking out your recommended materials!

Thank you all for being here!

[guitarman]

I was prescribed a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course by my doctor several years ago. I have been practising Mindfulness meditations regularly ever since.

I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach online. She gives regular free talks. These are all part of my self care routine and how I now take care of myself.

Her website is
www.tarabrach.com

My golden rule is to stay calm no matter what happens. Staying calm is my super power.

I have learnt not to do "idiot compassion" any more where I am the idiot. It's a Buddhist term.

I listen to Loving Kindness metta Mindfulness meditations on YouTube that have really helped me.

[Legalmindhelp]

Thank you guitar man! Staying calm is challenging for me. I have anger issues...had them before this relationship which has only exacerbated my issues.

Meditation has been recommended for me in the past, but I was always too busy. Retired now and trying to make self care a priority. I will definitely check it out. I am going to keep availing myself of all resources until I come out successfully on the other side. Getting older now and don't want to spend the last chapters of my life dealing with toxic drama.

God Bless you all for giving of your time,

[JustKeepTrying]

I see you stated you are going to log.  I suggest that you also free write/journal.  Just open your laptop or grab a notebook and write without any regard to form.  Just do a complete emotional dump and let the free write go where it goes.  You will be surprised with the conclusions and observations that you will make when you allow yourself the space.

Also consider a therapist with a background in trauma.  Your PTSD stems from somewhere and addressing that may help longterm.

As for resolve, that log will be everything - as well as posting here.  It's been two years since my divorce and I have those moments of "Should I have" and then I reread - and remember and all of it comes back.  That's normal.

In the end the toughest lesson is this is about you.  Don't worry about his diagnosis - his therapy - his behavior - just keep your eyes on the peace and serenity that is waiting for you at the end.

[Legalmindhelp]

Dear Just Keep Trying,

I believe you are right about the journaling. Nothing like the written evidence to bring the event back. I don't suffer abusive amnesia.....but I do tend to minimize how his behavior made me feel in the past. Thoughts of " Was it really that bad?"

It was hard to read that you still consult that journal two years after the divorce. Ugh. This will be so hard.

I ask myself all the time why it is that I didn't have such trouble with my first divorce...but I think it is because that husband wanted out where this one does not.  I need some serious therapy and strength. This forum helps a lot. Just knowing that I am not alone and have found some immediate help here before I can get home and get some....it has been a godsend!

Thank you so much!

[JustKeepTrying]

legalmindhelp,

I am glad that you are finding support help and support here.

I was married for 32 years to an abusive man.  It took a PTSD diagnosis and life threatening illness for me to see him - he was incredibly charming and manipulative.  I also have three children  - two of whom had real developmental disabilities.  I was just hanging by a thread the entire time.

Be kind to yourself.  Be compassionate to your past. 

[Legalmindhelp]

Just Keep Trying,

Wow. What a struggle that must have been. You inspire me. I feel badly for even complaining sometimes because I know there are others with much worse issues. I can't imagine having to guide children through something like this.

Outside of my marriage, my life is basically pretty darned good. It is just my husband who keeps dragging me down and sabotaging my plans. Total disregard for my wishes. Drives me crazy because he does things I ask him not to and does not do things he should or things that I ask him to. He basically takes control of a lot of my decisions from me.

If the folks here can pull themselves through to the other side, I should surely be able to. I am an otherwise strong person.....until it comes to him. Sigh.....  I retired successfully at 56, I am financially independent and have a wonderful support network. (Until this forum I always wondered what the heck was wrong with me that I put up with his disrespect and disregard of me.) Now I have a really good idea of my issues (Co-dependency, attracted to charity cases thinking I can rescue them).

Got a journaling app and started journaling today! Still reading Out of the FOG. Taking this time out of town at my Mom's for some serious self care. I face him again on Saturday. Then next Monday I have an appointment with my primary and will be getting a referral to a good psych, hopefully one with a bit of experience in ASPD/PTSD. I want to start therapy asap.

He is a truck driver and as soon as he goes back to work I will draft the summons and complaint and then file. I will hire a process server and serve him the minute he gets back off the road. I am afraid that will be the easy part. The hard part will be keeping the resolve to go through with it.

I have such a wonderful life awaiting me on the other side. I am so grateful for this forum and for your kind words and suggestions.  I am so glad that you have made it to some peace and serenity now.

God Bless and thank you again,

[Legalmindhelp]

Hurray! I filed for divorce today. I got sucked in after the last time I was here....but kept up with my journaling and seeking help and now I just have to see it through. It is very hard, but it will only be harder with him in my life.

Thanks again all for your help,

[JustKeepTrying]

Congratulations for taking a huge step.  It is a difficult process but after a time, it will get better.  I hope that you are also in therapy so you can process the emotions and put them in perspective.  Keep us in the loop so we can support you along the way.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

 

[Cat of the Canals]

There is an excellent book by Fjelstad, "Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" which helped me a lot.

I second this recommendation!

[Legalmindhelp]

Trying like heck to get into a good psychologist familiar with anti-personality disorder and PTSD. My PCP stupidly referred me to a psychiatrist so now I have to start all over again. But this forum and loads and loads of reading have really helped. Thank you all for being so supportive. I am also fortunate enough to have a good support network off line. And I really need all of it. Everyone I know describes me as a very strong woman but when it comes to this, I feel like I am very weak. I have been a victim of this sick cycle for far too many years now. I want so much better for my future.

Thanks again all!

[hhaw]

I second the recommendation to hire an experienced trauma informed therapist....EMDR helpful for me mixed in with other techniques.  Might feel silly at first, but get curious, try to drop judgment and lean into feeling stronger, more empowered, less at the mercy of and...,most importantly.....to feeling much better.....to cultivating joy in your life.

Do you have any 3d support to help you stick to your plan?

[JustKeepTrying]

 

I used a trauma therapist who was licensed in EMDR.  I met with her for months before to develop trust and have been working with her for the past three years.  Prior to the starting with her, I was diagnosed with PTSD and had daily seizures and bouts of aphasia.  Since the EMDR three years ago, I have had only two episodes of seizures (under extremely stressful conditions) and no aphasia.  She helped me see the trauma bonding and the reality of living with an already diagnosed OCPD husband.  I now also work with an individual who is a therpist trained in behavioral conditioning and as well as a coach.  All three have given me my life back.

I am also 57 and I was married for 32 years.  My ex was all I knew having married him so young.  But life now, while not exactly what I want, is lovely and so much better.

[bat123]

This is all so very inspiring to me.  I've been married to uNPD for 25 years, with three kids who are mostly grown—one still in high school.  I've threatened to leave so many times, but each time I get lulled back into every day life with him and I can't muster the strength.  He can be extremely psychologically abusive—constant criticism, belittling me, bringing up the past, shaming me, blaming me, accusing me, interrogating me—he can be relentless.  But a day later he's charming, attentive, and making plans with me for the future.  It's a terrible cycle and I feel completely trapped in it.  I want to leave so badly at times, but then I look around our house and feel overwhelmed at the thought of dismantling the life that we've built over the course of 25 years.  He's terribly abusive at times, yet he's also the life partner that I come home to every day, who I share things with, who I celebrate milestones with, and who can be at times a fun and likable companion.  It's like I've made a life with two completely different people, and I want desperately to get away from one of them.  I know in my heart that I should leave.  I should have left years ago.  But the process of coming Out of the FOG has been slow.  Now that I see the cycle I'm trapped in, I struggle to take the next step.  I fully know that I can't have a healthy relationship with this person, but part of me is willing to accept it and make the best of it.  The other part of me is crying out for change and freedom.  I know many others have struggled with this, and some continue to.  Poison Ivy, I love what you said about remembering that just because something is painful doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.  I've had the same thought!  It's like I need to override the part of me that is afraid of pain and change.