The Merry Widow

[feralcat]

My FIL died in January. Mil allowed her 3 children to arrange everything, and to begin to sort out his hoard. First thing was to clear out his hobby room, so visitors would have a place to sleep, properly. Because of course everyone has to come to her preferentially.
She seems to hardly miss him. I find it sickening tbh. He was her enabler, but it's still so sad. Photographs of her beaming from ear to ear when taken out.

Everyone else is now enabling her. She's love/ money bombing her FOO. ( why do people respond so favourably to bribes?) My DH suddenly isn't being criticised for no good reason. Friendly phone calls etc. He's lapping it up. Suddenly she's interested in my sons children. In effect my DHs grandchildren. Whereas previously she blatantly wasn't ( cos they don't have 'da blood').

I'm sure I'm going to be the baddie in the future. Because I'm firmly in my camp of staying VLC. She's always been (very, for no apparent reason) unpleasant to me, wife of the SG. Unpleasant to him, unpleasant to me. Too long, too late.
A leopard can't change its spots just because it's decided playing nice might work better now it's too old to attack effectively.

[moglow]

As you say, a leopard doesn't change her spots. She may relish the "poor lonely widow" role for now, but I guarantee when it's to her benefit, she'll revert to form - mine sure did. And it was a hard return after the months of being up on her chosen pedestal and being catered to by everyone.


It's early days yet. I'd advise your dh enjoy this while it lasts and don't get too used to it. Don't ever think she's too old to attack. I'm betting she can and does disguise those spots as it suits her purposes.


When all else fails: The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

[Seven]

This sounds all too familiar.

Watch out for the learned helplessness. GC Bros 5&6 jumped to the rescue in the near aftermath of my fathers death. Granted in the acuteness of things, we all did...funeral arrangements etc etc, but to the Bros it was like "OMG what is she going to do without dad?"  Oh, she played that poor widow card like she played pinochle....ruthlessly. She soaked it all in. At first I felt bad for her surrounding the circumstances of his death, but after about a year I literally thought "she nagged that man to death"  she just treated him like utter shit.

At one point years later when we were downsizing her for the second time, we were going through her jewelry and there were a bunch of 14k & 18k gold necklaces.  "Did you want to keep these mom?"  "No, I don't want those.  Your father gave me one every year" with a look of disgust.  She never appreciated the man.  Never good enough, like her daughters.

Now me...I don't wear a lot of jewelry, but what I do wear was given to me by my husband and I never take it off. I've had the same necklace on he gave me in 2010.  Last year the clasp broke (easy enough fix) but he wanted to buy me a new one so that I could keep wearing the cross/ birthstone pendant that came with the original instead of fixing the old one. Do I want to upgrade my wedding set even though now it's too big?  Nope, I love it just the way it is.  I'll wear ring sizers if I have to.   Does he give me jewelry that I dont have an occasion to wear.  Sure he does, but I love it just the same.  So her attitude towards my fathers gifts to her were disgusting to me.

And Bro 5 to the rescue once he got away from his uBPDw, who had him estranged from us for 20 years.  Pretty sure uNPDm paid for his divorce, amongst other things we know she's given him money for (arrrrrgggg, don't get me started)

And it was only after my eF died that she started saying "I love you" to us (and it wasn't really I love you.  It was more like "love ya").  It was only because now that dad was dead, she had no one to say it to her back.  TBH, never in my life have I heard them tell each other "I love you" and we kids especially never got it growing up, and now all of a sudden I'm suppose to reciprocate words that aren't meant?  Nope.

So I feel you.  I really do.

[feralcat]

Thanks for the replies. Amazing how similar !

Moglow my H is too invested in his FOGiness to be advised anything, unfortunately. But I think his M's honeymoon period will tail off because, for one thing , H won't last re the driving 5 hours to bow at her throne. And for another I won't go either. FIL dying doesn't make her suddenly a nice safe old lady. She's burnt her bridges . And if I don't go, there's no meat shield/ no one to share the journey with. No one to share the inevitable list of 'jobs' with lol.

Seven - my M did the 'I love you ' bit as well, after her 2nd husband died. She'd never said that to me. Ever . All of a sudden she's really pushing it. I never say it in response. Too late by 60+ years. The first time she said it I actually felt sick. Wanted to run away.
Oh course the less I reciprocate, the more she pushes it. Darling, sweetheart etc.
Mind you, she's 89 now. If she's feeling guilty , that's her problem. ( she's got loads of FOO running around after her, just like MIL) . They both throw money around like confetti at their enablers.

[moglow]

Feralcat, mine made a huge show of faaaaaaamily after my stepfather passed. She had this whole image in her head of how Norman Rockwell it was supposed to be, never mind that we were all mid 30s with families and lives of our own and had never experienced that with her. Holidays were supposed to be just.this.way - and she didn't communicate any of that to anyone until we didn't meet her ever-shifting standards. We didn't have a clue, no way to step into those imaginary roles she'd set up for us! One meltdown after another as those images burned in front of her and we were all confused. Wait. You're mad? About what? Again??!

It took her a while before it sunk in that we weren't going to be at her beck and call nor visiting every weekend. No one lived close to her, for starters. She really didn't see where our lives and jobs, the kids' school and activities, etc actually took priority. I mean really, she was younger than I am now, and she was ready to settle down into widowhood as if her life were over, lots of excuses why she couldn't do some of the visiting or make an effort to participate? She really did expect us to come sit with her. For hours. While she complained about everything. It was a huge letdown for her and only added to her list of resentments.

[looloo]

When my Nmother was widowed about 12 years ago, because she lost whatever subtlety she had in the past and I had become a little more perceptive, I could see that she was trying to straddle two things: 1) trying to parlay her new "widow" status into something as powerful/controlling/domineering as she could, 2) while dealing with the loss of her main source of supply and prestige (enabling father was very highly regarded and well-liked).  I could see and feel her making these constant calculations in real time whenever I was around or on the phone.  It filled me with so much disgust.  But I never saw one moment of honest grief.  She definitely demonstrated that she was experiencing a loss, but not the loss of a person she had loving, warm or fond feelings for.  Just the loss of supply and prestige, and her scramble to cobble together another facade to replace it.

[mustard_seed]

+1 for the leopard won't change her spots. I've seen that pattern several times... the façade of kindness/generosity that is then quickly replaced by manipulation, game-playing and general nastiness.

Sounds like you are keeping your head on your shoulders through this which is admirable!

[feralcat]

Thanks for the replies !

Spot on with the straddling 2 issues, Looloo. FIL, though a quiet and somewhat ASD individual was definitely the partner around whom most of the couples social activities revolved. He had achieved during his lifetime - theirs was a typical marriage for that age group. MIL has less to 'show'. Her snobbery revolves around the achievements of FOO. So what she has left is to become as needy and entitled a widow as possible.
Yes ! I can already tell from what DH says that she must be finding it quite hard to fit into the 'nice' role she needs to adopt. She's already slagging off those trying to support her - for not doing it the way she'd like. So I can see Mowglow's scenario working out.

Mustard Seed. I'm removed from her now. And she knows it. And Ive got Long Covid, so I care eeeeven less ( there's a silver lining to everything). As far as I'm concerned, im just the audience. Pass the popcorn ?