I'm not good at this...

[CleverFox]

I'm not so good at making things seem ok. I can't tell him I'm leaving. Only God knows what would happen. I have to do it when he's at work, out of state. What's weird is i know he is abusive, and only verbally abusive but i still feel that i should leave when he's not here. And that alone makes me feel like a shitty person. Leaving in general makes me feel shitty, like I'm abandoning him and giving up on our life together. But I guess what else would I feel? He tells me how terrible I am everyday. That I'm not a good wife or a wife at all. That I do nothing for him and never have. That I take care of only the kids and myself, but not him.

I feel like I'm missing what a real wife is supposed to do..I cook, clean, do laundry, stay home with the kids, started contracting from home for extra money (not that we need it) but I like to. Have sex whenever he wants. Tried to do little nice things. But because I forgot small things and had a different opinion on decisions made, I "treat him badly". Even said that again today. After I said I wanted him to be happy.

This is how crazy it's gotten: I did laundry. Both what was in the dryer and the washer. Granted, he said that our sons diaper leaked and got the bed wet. So I threw it in the wash along with other things. Fast forward a few hours later. He tells me to come help with the clothes in the dryer. I say, "ok, but I gotta finish wiping down the stove first". I only sat down to reprimand my daughter. He says "no just help me do this first and then I'll help with stove"... no he would not have. Then told me he's been "keeping up with the laundry all day". Seems petty...but I'm getting there... keep reading. I tell him "no, I've been doing it".. this is the crazy part....I get about a 2 hour long lecture about how since he *told* me about our sons mess that he HAS been keeping up with the laundry and that it was unnecessary for me to say anything at all. So, not only did I have to be reprimanded because HE'S been doing the laundry (wink wink), I also had to be reprimanded for sticking up for myself and correcting him. After all this, apparently I just wanted to tell him he's wrong and that I should have just agreed with him.
From the excessive verbal abuse and gaslighting I can't help but be distant and grey rock. I'm not good at faking it. And he can tell. So it's giving him MORE ammo and just calling me a stranger.

Does anyone else hope and pray that they will do a complete 180 in the days leading up to leaving? So that you don't have to leave after all?

Lord, please give me strength. I love him and I don't want to hurt him and I wish so badly I could give him the love that he wants. Sadly I've only been distant for a week! And he can already tell. And I'm doing this so that I can be strong when I leave. My kids can't hear him scream at me and tell me how horrible I am with every cuss word under the sun. I need to be strong for my babies. I am in therapy and she's back from vacation but appt isn't until Wednesday.

[blunk]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, CleverFox. I heard so many of these things from my bpdxh. I too hoped (for much too long) that my x would change back to the person I met and initially fell in love with. What I came to realize was, that person never existed. At first he was able to keep the mask on for long periods of time, maybe one explosion a year. Towards the end he would rage multiple times a day. And don't get me started on the lectures. He would go on for hours, and then pick right back up later on the same "transgression".

I didn't clean the house right, I was a terrible wife. Meanwhile I was working 2 jobs, doing all of the cleaning, laundry, cooking shopping, caring for the dogs, etc. And of course I never did any of it right, since his way was the only right way. All while he didn't work for 2 years...by choice.

If you have not already, I would suggest you read, Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. I also want to encourage you to trust your gut. Something is telling you to make your leave while he is away. Trust in that. I get feeling guilty, but if he's anything like my x he will guilt you more if you tell him face to face.

One more thing, and this also goes with trusting your gut. The time between telling your partner and leaving is one of the most dangerous times, especially when dealing with a partner who has already been abusive in any form. You may want to perform a mosaic threat assessment. Mosaicmethod.com

Though my x never hit me, he did score high for the potential for physical violence based on this assessment.

Also remember, he is an adult, and responsible for his own feelings. You are responsible for keeping yourself and your children safe. I just can't help but feel, based on your writing, that something is telling you that leaving while he isn't there is the way to ensure that safety. Good luck to you.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[SonofThunder]

+1

SoT

[CleverFox]

CleverFox,
I can so relate to what you are saying. I could have written everything you written word-for-word (from the male perspective, that is). You sounds like a wonderful wife, I hope that you don't take his words too personally.
My wife has said almost the same things word-for-word...that I neglect her, I'm not a good husband, that I do nothing for her. She also notices when I am distant and calls me a stranger.
I hope this shows you that you're not alone in what you're experiencing, and it's NOT YOU. It's completely him.
I've finally stopped hoping she will do a 180. That's progress. You do need to get to a point where you stop hoping he will change, because he won't. As Dr. Fjelstad says, you have to come to the point of acceptance that he has a permanent mental illness that will never be cured.
You said: "I wish so badly I could give him the love that he wants." It sounds like you are giving him love, but he is not returning your love...he is giving you abuse. You will never be able to say or do the right things because you are not the problem. He is the problem. I don't know you, but I would guess that you are perfectly capable of love--he is just not capable of receiving it. It sounds like you're still down on yourself, feeling guilty, feeling like a bad person. This is his abuse talking, it's not the real you.
I'm glad you are in the process of leaving...stay strong, it is worth it! I have not left yet but I'm building strength myself to do so.

Thank you so much for your input. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone. I feel absolutely insane. It feels like this isn't real. And yet, i HAVE to get out negate I feel like I'm dying. I mean literally. I feel like I'm deteriorating from the inside out.

[CleverFox]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, CleverFox. I heard so many of these things from my bpdxh. I too hoped (for much too long) that my x would change back to the person I met and initially fell in love with. What I came to realize was, that person never existed. At first he was able to keep the mask on for long periods of time, maybe one explosion a year. Towards the end he would rage multiple times a day. And don't get me started on the lectures. He would go on for hours, and then pick right back up later on the same "transgression".

I didn't clean the house right, I was a terrible wife. Meanwhile I was working 2 jobs, doing all of the cleaning, laundry, cooking shopping, caring for the dogs, etc. And of course I never did any of it right, since his way was the only right way. All while he didn't work for 2 years...by choice.

If you have not already, I would suggest you read, Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. I also want to encourage you to trust your gut. Something is telling you to make your leave while he is away. Trust in that. I get feeling guilty, but if he's anything like my x he will guilt you more if you tell him face to face.

One more thing, and this also goes with trusting your gut. The time between telling your partner and leaving is one of the most dangerous times, especially when dealing with a partner who has already been abusive in any form. You may want to perform a mosaic threat assessment. Mosaicmethod.com

Though my x never hit me, he did score high for the potential for physical violence based on this assessment.

Also remember, he is an adult, and responsible for his own feelings. You are responsible for keeping yourself and your children safe. I just can't help but feel, based on your writing, that something is telling you that leaving while he isn't there is the way to ensure that safety. Good luck to you.

Thank you so much! Yes he says the same things! I feel terrible going about it the way that I am..but for my peace of mind, I feel like I have to. I started reading the book and found it pretty interesting from a medical standpoint. I also did the assessment and it came out as a 6. It said "likely to escalate".