I Have a Plan

CleverFox · March 23, 2022, 03:03:37 PM

I'm petrified to go through with it. I know I need to. What he's doing IS abuse. He breaks me down verbally every single day. My babies hear it. My big kid has heard it a few times.

I got approved to rent a nice house. I set up a separate bank account. He leaves the state for work for a few days-weeks at a time. I will have a substantial amount of money im taking with me (don't worry, will be splitting directly in half so I don't have any issues in court down the road).

I think I'm scared of the change. I'm scared of hurting him. I know he hurts me but I shouldn't take it just because I don't want to hurt him. My 2 year old daughter shouldn't run to lay her head in my lap while me screams at me and I cry. She flips out every time he does it.

I'm not super ready for the crying and begging because I love him still. I'm not ready for the smear campaign. Court doesn't scare me too much because I have recordings of him being verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I know might not be much but I guess it's something right?

Give me strength, please. I want what's best. I don't want to go through this anymore. Hoping, praying, and wishing that he will be nice to me has not gone well. Telling him what he's doing has not gone well. Going to marriage counseling is not a good road to go down because based on the fact that he already lies about events that happened, I will get punished at home for telling the truth in counseling. My kids deserve better. I deserve better. Even if I'm on my own.

Poison Ivy · March 23, 2022, 05:04:33 PM

You do deserve better, and so do your children. Ending a relationship can be scary, but doing it despite the negative feelings it will arouse in you and your spouse will make you stronger. You've got this!

notrightinthehead · March 23, 2022, 06:30:50 PM

So sorry you feel so afraid. There will come a point when you will be more afraid of staying then of leaving. Maybe you are getting close to that point? Please start documenting the abuse. Just the facts. Let the facts speak for themselves. This might be useful later.

Boat Babe · March 24, 2022, 02:22:26 AM

Hello cleverfox. I really feel for you right now. No-one should be in your situation.

You have already been getting good advice here and it sounds like you have a plan. So far so good. In normal relationships, you don't skip out while your partner is away, because rude. In abusive relationships, you get the hell out anyway you can, because survival.

Two things. Be aware that things could turn really ugly. PREPARE FOR THIS. I don't wish to frighten you at this already horrendous time but you must be prepared and take action to keep yourself, and the babies, safe. The second thing is that once free, you never, ever go back. Beware the lovebombing. Know that children who grow up with abuse in the home are deeply, and permanently, affected. And not in a good way. In the UK the law recently changed, recognizing that a child witnessing domestic abuse is being abused, by being in the home when it happens. So, if you do are ever tempted to go back, just think of your kids.

Keep talking here, because we get it.

losingmyself · March 24, 2022, 08:31:08 AM

Sending you strength!!!
Remember the words and advice of the good people here, they know what they're talking about. Listen to and read as much as you can about ending a relationship like this, know that there's many complicated feelings that are going to come up, so when they do, you can recognize them and you know, at least technically, how to deal with them.
As Boat Babe said, keep posting, we're all behind you.

CleverFox · March 25, 2022, 02:02:15 AM

Thank you all so much! It's been hard. He's been horrible but today was good and the guilty feeling is coming back!!!

Lauren17 · March 25, 2022, 09:04:57 AM

Hi CleverFox,

This is a tough situation. Many of us here have been there. You're not alone.

It sounds like you're researching, coming up with a plan and taking steps forward. Good!! That takes a strength and courage that many people will never understand.

I think in another post, you said that you hoped he would "do a 180" in terms of his behavior. I wanted to share my experience with you.
180 is exactly what my uNPD stbxh did. I told him I was filing for divorce and the very next morning a switch flipped. He was affectionate, buying gifts, doing housework, playing with the kids. He stopped every negative behavior I had cited and he stopped many negative behaviors I never brought up.
I think if I wasn't 100% sure of my decision, if I hadn't already started to emotionally detach, I might have stayed. Instead, I was able to see that his treatment of me all along was his choice. If he could completely turn around overnight, then he knew exactly what he was doing.

Can I recommend that you take some time to brainstorm every single response you might get from him, tears, rage, acceptance, whatever. And then think through how you will respond. That way, you have some plan for facing what comes.

Best wishes for you.

CleverFox · March 25, 2022, 10:48:13 AM

Quote from: Lauren17 on March 25, 2022, 09:04:57 AM
Hi CleverFox,

This is a tough situation. Many of us here have been there. You're not alone.

It sounds like you're researching, coming up with a plan and taking steps forward. Good!! That takes a strength and courage that many people will never understand.

I think in another post, you said that you hoped he would "do a 180" in terms of his behavior. I wanted to share my experience with you.
180 is exactly what my uNPD stbxh did. I told him I was filing for divorce and the very next morning a switch flipped. He was affectionate, buying gifts, doing housework, playing with the kids. He stopped every negative behavior I had cited and he stopped many negative behaviors I never brought up.
I think if I wasn't 100% sure of my decision, if I hadn't already started to emotionally detach, I might have stayed. Instead, I was able to see that his treatment of me all along was his choice. If he could completely turn around overnight, then he knew exactly what he was doing.

Can I recommend that you take some time to brainstorm every single response you might get from him, tears, rage, acceptance, whatever. And then think through how you will respond. That way, you have some plan for facing what comes.

Best wishes for you.

Thank you so much for your input!

I am thinking about everything the he will say and do. Extremely hostile yelling and screaming, crying and begging, and planning an elaborate lie for court. I have started to emotionally detach and he can tell so the verbal abuse has gotten worse. Unfortunately he has rescheduled leaving for work which means I have to reschedule moving. Which gives me more anxiety because of the waiting. Also, it will be closer to his birthday when we leave which makes me feel even more crappy. But I know that what he is doing is on purpose because he does not scream and yell at me in public. He also has told everyone he knows about my "wrong doings" which are usually blown out of proportion or straight up lies.

I felt the guilt yesterday, but today nothing had happened yet and I realized I still don't want this.