Mom NarcM is giving my brother a house

[sunshine702]

Rant.
I need some help guys.  My Scapegoat brother is being evicted from his rental.  He has fallen on hard times.  And he was having trouble finding a place.

My Narc mom swooped in bought a house.  Problem solved right.  And in some ways it does solve his problems.  I heard he cried when he was told.

It's a pretty house. 1700 sq feet a garage. Hardwoods.  A huge backyard.
It will make a nice rental.  I don't think it is a bad investment.

I want to be happy for everyone but instead I am riddled with anger and anxiety. I know this is a nightmare brewing.

This is a disfunctional pattern. She has done this and backed out before. 4 times by my count.  The last time was their neighbor's house because she didn't like how they were dealing with the yard.  My brother turned it down. It came with a string that he break up with girlfriend L because she smokes. Eyeroll
This time he is at rock bottom though.  This time he needs it.

She also bid on the furnature.  Despite my brother and his longtime girlfriend not liking it. In her narc delusion she is so smart that her choices will add value and will be seen by all.   

This is delusional.  This is a guilded control cage that she will lorde over him. 

To grey rock I am switching phone numbers (we are moving in a bit and I got a new service and Arizona area code)  i am going to use that to be only reachable by emial expecially as it closes) They really freak out then and usually back out.  One purchase at the last minute the house was "facing the wrong direction" and they backed out.

Normally I would enourage the back out but my brother needs this.  And is too embarassed to speak to anyone.
And my mom relies on me to tell her. "Yes sound investment"  so I am really stuck.  The furnature force is so her.  And is so why this is a mess. 

Uhug.  Advice.  Comfort.  Similar stories.

[guitarman]

All sorts of red flags were raised for me when I saw your post.

At first sight this seems to be a very generous and caring gesture. However as we know things aren't always as they seem.

Is your brother going to be paying rent?

Does he have ownership of the property to do with it what he wants?

How long will he be allowed to stay there?

Will your mother have a key?

What will happen if your brother wants to set firm boundaries? Will he have to let your mother in?

This all seems like a disaster waiting to happen going from your past experiences.

Abusers are all about power and control.

What will happen if your brother upsets your mother and doesn't behave or do as she wants? He will feel obliged to keep her happy and on his side as she may have the power to evict him, although he should have some tenant protection under the laws in your country.

I don't suppose this would be at all good for his or his partner's mental health particularly if your mother will be interfering in his every day life.

It seems he would be like a bird trapped in a gilded cage. From the outside it would seem very good but he would be under the control of your mother, which is probably why she wanted to help.

I seem to be pointing out all the negatives of the situation. Going from my own experiences you need to look ahead at all the possible ways in which this arrangement could go wrong.

Your brother needs independent legal advice to protect him. He could be obligated to accept a situation that could have a negative impact on his future welfare and wellbeing for years.

I hope he can find support that doesn't involve your mother. There maybe housing organisations that would be able to help him to keep his independence and control.

[sunshine702]

Yes.  I am going to call it Abuse and Control house   She will own it have a key. They will stop over all the time I am sure.  He is supposed to pay rent but they haven't figured that out much yet. I sent over a basic rental agreement. 

No this is going to be horrible for him. As she has allready decided on what COUCH he will have. And his Victorian and oak furnature she doesn't like.  (The bidding on the furnature)

A more normal thing would be to help him maybe look for a place and help with a cosign or a deposit. Not a house!

I have a sick pit in my stomach.  His absolute fall is her absloute complete control glee.  Add special treatment (listing agent)  and she gets to be a property shark feeling.

And I think it will be tough on his relationship.  They hate her (smoking is the reason) but it is my Brother has someone. 

As I write this to you all I realize how VERY WRONG this is.  Do I want to go No Contact.  Maybe.

[sunshine702]

As my Husband said though I am being offended for him.  That I need to only focus on me.  That is the rub though I don't want to tank it but the deal is a nightmare.  I grew up with the Narc triangulation.  I take the phone calls from my brother when he is melting down over their stuff.

I think the low (almost homeless) to high (a paid for house) of it has me shaking with fear.

I keep repeating the phrase not my circus not my monkeys though.  It's likely a car crash but it is not my car.  I want to be happy for him and I truely am.  But I know these people. Tigers will be tigers.  I have been on the recieving end of their tiger.

[guitarman]

Sometimes we just have to calmly walk away from a situation knowing we've done our best and can't do any more.

You are not responsible for your brother's housing situation. I presume he has capacity to make decisions for himself. He has his own choices to make.

If he could afford the rent on your mother's property could he afford the rent on somewhere else instead?

Did she buy the property without asking him if he would like to live there? Does he now feel obligated to stay there? How would your mother behave if he refused?

It's not your problem. You are not responsible for your brother.

However you may fear for the future and how it could impact you. Maybe you feel obliged to help if things don't work out.

This is all fear, obligation and guilt. I know all about them! Those three words have summed up my life for decades.

I remind myself of this useful phrase
"Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat".

That has helped me to detach myself from my uBPD/NPD sister. I used to be her rescuer because she trained me to be that way.

Your mother has found a way for your brother to be dependent on her. It's a way for her to use her power and control over him.

Maybe your brother needs professional mental health support to help him.

What do you fear most if you can't intervene? Maybe you could examine those fears and how they make you feel.

[sunshine702]

Yes she did buy it without telling them. She texted him to meet her at the address and then surprised him'.  He had been stressing about finding somewhere else as their eviction date loomed closer so he was flooded.

She would flip out if he said no to "she who must be obeyed".  They NEVER get told no.  And if they do  like he DID - "no thanks we don't like the furniture we have ours" it isn't accepted .

He called me and was melting down over a two week job situation she gave him in Oct.  He had moved a few things at her store and "she who has perfect tastes"  was very angry
And she was verbally abusive.  I get told multiple times that J "doesn't have two nickels to his name." And "they had to get their Christmas wrap out of the house L smokes and it smelled so bad of dirty ashtray." Nothing about the gifts of Christmas just about the paper. I noticed.

They have no idea what rent will be and no he really can't go elsewhere.

Sigh. I am protective.  He is the Scapegoat who can do no right.   These is a learned helplessness and beat down cycle  if he does start to do good. 

This situation is SO painful for me but you are right - it is out there.  I am over here.   Finding some solace in watching NpD  YouTube videos and at least calling a spade a spade.

[guitarman]

It's good that you can recognise what is going on by educating yourself about NPD.

Your brother seems very vulnerable.

Hopefully he will eventually be able to help himself more and do what he wants.

[donutmoonpanda]

That's some classic controlling NPD behavior.

Sometimes we just have to calmly walk away from a situation knowing we've done our best and can't do any more.

You are not responsible for your brother's housing situation. I presume he has capacity to make decisions for himself. He has his own choices to make.

I'd also have a lot of questions if my brother was going into a situation like this with our parents, but alas I can't do his work for him. That's what I've had to tell myself endlessly. My FOO likes to get me all whipped up in a frenzy over things like this, when it the end it has nothing to do with me/it's not my decision.