Scapegoating, the smear campaign and the negative self narrative

[Happypants]

Something I've been giving a lot of thought to lately is how over time, I gradually thought better of them (unPD's) and less of myself and how this seems to occur in tandem.  Through this journey, I've learnt the truth about their ways and now always look at them through a filter.  But I still default to that negative feeling about myself if I'm feeling below par and not staying aware of those thought patterns and challenging them. 

I think it's because in my experience, the covert narcissistic approach to smear campaigns is very clever in that a lot of the information passed around is rarely based on lies, but always on snippets of conversation (completely missing out their part or the hoovering), comments out of context, and factual statements relating to the target's negative traits.  For a long time, I was the sum of all these negative "truths", and the comments, reactions and bristling of others served to accentuate all the "badness" that I symbolised to them.  Their use of "truth" and refusal to give balanced accounts or mentions of positive traits leaves me in absolutely no doubt that they do indeed know what they're doing.  The need to skew people's impression of others to make themselves look/feel better while maintaining plausible deniability makes me sick to my stomach, but I'm taking that as a sign that I'm coming further and further Out of the FOG.  Apologies for this turning into a little rant 

[moglow]

Sometimes a little rant gets it out there where we can look at it - that stream of consciousness can tell you a lot. I've read back over some of my posts and it's like that information is all new, I never saw it before!
I was also the main scapegoat, the target of all her ills, if you will. I think that's because I was simply more vulnerable, everyone had these expectations of the mother/daughter "bond" and thrust that on me as if it were inevitable and fact. What helped me [eventually] was my older brother pointing out: when were any of "those people' [aka flying monkeys] ever there for you? Did they ever step up when you needed them, offer any interference with her? Do /have they made any attempt to keep in touch with you otherwise? So why do their opinions matter?? BIG eye opener!!

As time has gone on since then, all mother's siblings - you know, those flying monkeys who pandered to her nasty bullshit and made excuses for her all her life - have passed. She's alone now basically by choice. She ostracized her own children, built no relationship with her grandchildren, has no friends of community to speak of. All by her own doing. BUT she claims *I* ostracized her from them, that *I* am the reason she has no relationships etc. No awareness that her relationships are her stuff, and only she can make or break them. But no, it's all my fault. And you know what - that's okay now. She can believe what she believes. We know that the only common denominator in all her ugliness and spite has been HER. This scapegoat fired herself finally and life is GOOD!

I beat myself up and have regrets, but my regrets aren't how I treated her or things I said or did. It's all about the time I wasted, trying to jump through the limitless hoops for her "approval." I always thought there should be more and it was hard to accept that she's just not capable of it. What I'm saying is, it's not about me and anything I've done at all. It's HER stuff, and I can't fix that. It's simply not mine TO fix.

We're all fighting battles here, ya know? I see it and you see it and every one of us has them. The PDs we talk about? They're clueless. They honestly don't seem to see anything outside themselves and are dependent on someone else to fill that abyss. I can feel compassion for what that emptiness must be, but diving back into it to try and fill it? Nah, I don't see me doing that again.

[Happypants]

Thanks Moglow.  I'm glad your brother was there to point out the lack of support you received - isn't it amazing how easy it is to pick up on that when it affects others, but maybe not ourselves (thanks to lifelong programming!)?

I've distanced myself from them somewhat after realising how they've ostracised me, but the issue is with them now ageing, I'm always going to appear to be the unsupportive daughter as long as I'm protecting myself.  I've actually made peace with that.  This scapegoat has fired herself too    And along with that, I've forgiven myself for when I've acted outwith my values, regardless of their behaviour.  Regrets?  Absolutely.  My biggest is not putting boundaries in place before their health issues made them vulnerable, but if you don't know, you don't know  hindsight's a wonderful thing!

[Hilltop]

Yes their smear campaigns have snippets of truth in them and they use our negative traits against us to paint a picture and this is really hard to break down and see beyond it.  My mother has often told me I am difficult, that's it, difficult.  I have been told it since I was a teenager.   I thought something was wrong with me and believed it.  The other day I sat down and wrote what I thought a difficult person would be.  You know what, I didn't fit what I considered a difficult person to be.  However in saying that the truth is I do have traits that I believe are difficult.

I do think the way I react to some situations is difficult.  I think the way I go from being around my parents and then being distant is difficult.  So the negative traits they tell us we have maybe has some truth to it.  However it's also not that simple.  Just because I have a couple of difficult traits doesn't make me a difficult person.  I also have a lot of other positive traits.  Saying I am difficult to me is taking a couple of traits and making that the whole of me.  It is also blaming me for the problems in the relationship, I am difficult and so I perceive that to mean that the problems between my parents and myself are my fault because I am difficult.  This is simply not true.

My mother is failing to look at herself.  My mother insults and can be mocking, she gossips. I find these difficult traits of my mothers.  However I also see other positive traits in my mother.  I have never not once told my mother that she herself is difficult. I understand our relationship is difficult and our relationship is difficult due to traits we both have.  We both do things and react to each other, in different ways but we are both still reacting. 

As for blame it is up to my mother to look at herself and recognise her insults and other behaviours that are hurtful and it's up to me to look at my reacting and change how I handle situations in the future.  Next time my mother calls me difficult rather than getting hurt I can now just simply say "Well I just don't think I agree with that".  Then leave it at that.  My mother can think I'm difficult all she wants it's not my problem.  We all have negative traits, we all make mistakes.  They can jump on us for them but in reality no one is perfect and they also have negative traits and make mistakes.  In the past I would try to talk to my mother however now I just want to focus on the parts of me I feel I want to change.  Its up to her to change herself if she wants to.

You say you are going to appear an unsupportive daughter as they get more vulnerable with their health issues.  I guess if they want to paint you as unsupportive they can and mostly will.  Does it matter?  There is likely many years or decades of reasons which has led to this point in time.  If they cannot see that or understand that, that's on them.  You can simply remind them that no you aren't an unsupportive person but in reality it's years of negativity which has led to this.  If they don't own that so be it.

Just because they accentuate all the "badness" that you symbolised to them doesn't mean you have to accept this as the truth.  You can look at yourself and understand who you are.  If you really believe who you are as a person then if they say something that you don't agree with you may be more likely to not take it personally.  We spend so long listening to their narrative of us, I for one am interested in my own narrative now.  I can decide who I think I am.  I really do believe that if we feel more certain about who we are then their judgements will not affect us as much.

[seafarer]

Something I've been giving a lot of thought to lately is how over time, I gradually thought better of them (unPD's) and less of myself and how this seems to occur in tandem.  Through this journey, I've learnt the truth about their ways and now always look at them through a filter.  But I still default to that negative feeling about myself if I'm feeling below par and not staying aware of those thought patterns and challenging them. 

I think it's because in my experience, the covert narcissistic approach to smear campaigns is very clever in that a lot of the information passed around is rarely based on lies, but always on snippets of conversation (completely missing out their part or the hoovering), comments out of context, and factual statements relating to the target's negative traits.  For a long time, I was the sum of all these negative "truths", and the comments, reactions and bristling of others served to accentuate all the "badness" that I symbolised to them.  Their use of "truth" and refusal to give balanced accounts or mentions of positive traits leaves me in absolutely no doubt that they do indeed know what they're doing.  The need to skew people's impression of others to make themselves look/feel better while maintaining plausible deniability makes me sick to my stomach, but I'm taking that as a sign that I'm coming further and further Out of the FOG.  Apologies for this turning into a little rant 

Oh my!!!  This describes exactly what I have experienced.  My UPD does this all the time.  I finally blew up and all of a sudden she got rational for just a bit.  For me it was "Too Much Too Late!) 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think of the negative self-narrative as a gift I never wanted from my NPD parents that keeps giving. What gets to be the real eye-opener is when you can connect the dots back to the origin, and realize you heard all of these things from your family your whole life. Perhaps it happened and you can even recall silently sitting with it and trying to process it. What I know is we are not born with those thoughts about ourselves. 
   
The aspect about having ageing parents and appearing as the unsupportive adult child for not taking on a caregiver role is something I accept as well. It is difficult since that is not the reality, but acceptance of others perception is liberating. What they think has nothing to do with you. None of what they think or say is the reality of who you are, and it is not your fault. Acceptance and awareness of these aspects are powerful. You get to follow your own narrative.