Dad likes to say how I am difficult and compares me to my uBPD/NPD sister.

[Breakthrough]

Feeling triggered right now. As kids, my dad and mom always would compare us (4 girls and 1 boy, my brother was the youngest  by a lot and was not subject to a lot of this as a result).  I am the 3rd girl. My uBPD/NPD sis is the eldest and endured the worst of my father's abusive behaviours growing up.  In my parents culture it was actually normal to hit your wife and kids.  My eldest sister was physically abused the most. Me second most but no where near as badly as my mother says. My sister has scars from my dad's abuse. All us girls are in our 40s now. My eldest sis has always been the most abusive to me (physically and mentally/emotionally). My parents never stopped it.  Now they dislike that I am distancing myself from my sisters.  To cut off contact with my eldest sister means I have a lot less contact with my other sisters because if it. My other two sisters were the good children and I don't remember my dad ever laying a hand on them. My eldest sister and I were considered the bad children, and even my mother hit me a few times.  My dad did eventually improved, but he still hit me at 27.  In that case i was visiting them on vacation and went to stay with a friend instead.  They were shocked.  Seriously though, i was old enough not to tolerate that behaviour anymore. My sister is very dependent on my parents for emotional support. She remains abusive to me, threatening to cut me out of family events on a regular basis due to her own whims (and because they always seem to be held at her house).  I hate that for my kids who looked forward to seeing their cousins. The pandemic meant we couldn't travel and that was a bit if a relief. I have pretty limited contact with my other sisters as well.  Mostly because I am busy and so are they.  My second oldest sister was my rock in many ways but she also has a close relationship with my eldest sister and doesn't acknowledge her abusive behaviour as wrong.  She gets it from her too at times but says that's what you have to put up with if you want a relationship with her. I have decided dealing with her emotional abuse is not worth it to me.

So back to being triggered. My dad told me that i am difficult just like my eldest sis and so did my mom, you two are the exact same.  They said this all growing up and it was never true. My eldest sis also thought that which is why she chose me as her abuse victim growing up.  I know we aren't anything a like.  The only commonality is that we both spoke up to my parents.  Me when i felt there was something unfair (even if it didn't involve me), my sister when she wanted something.  My other sisters never spoke out, they instead did things behind my parents backs.  I couldn't do that, as I hold honesty in a really high priority.  Because they never spoke out, they were considered the good kids.  I told my parents the only similarities were that (not the hiding things, but the not speaking up part about my other sisters).  The similarities ended there. I was always the good girl at school and everywhere else but told how bad i was at home. I never tried alcohol because it wasn't something i wanted to do based on our religion, my other sisters did because they hung out with the party ppl.  I guess it just felt like my parents  never saw me and they still don't. My dad is 80 soon.  I highly doubt he will ever see me and I have come to terms with that. My mom is 77 this year and she sees who I am more but still can be very critical and negative at times.

So yes, feeling triggered and i am taking them for a weekend holiday.  Ugh. I am not hugely looking forward to it but i am happy to do something for them.  I just need to stay strong this weekend so I don't feel so stressed about our relationship.  My dad is entitled to his ignorant opinion about me, and I am free to discount it because he never really cared to know his own child.  Just because they think something doesn't make it true.  It's hard to overcome that feeling that your parents know everything, even as an adult at times.

[guitarman]

This sounds so awful for you.

I follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

She often says "If these people were not related to you would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is "No" then act accordingly".

Abuse is never acceptable no matter who the perpetrator is.

If it hurts it isn't love.

I no longer want anything more to do with my uBPD/NPD sister. She'll never change. I can't love her into changing. I have to care about my needs first. I've had enough of all her abuse.

It seems like your parents will be sad and lonely in their old age if they alienate the people that love them the most. That's their problem not yours. You can't change them. There needs to be consequences for their behaviour. You need to look after yourself first as no one else can do that for you.

Abusers are all about power and control. They don't like it when we become indifferent to their demands and ignore them. They will always need someone to feed their narcissistic supply.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Breakthrough]

Thanks for the reply.  My parents have improved a lot, but they are old and somewhat set in their ways.  All their kids want to see them (with the exception of may be my brother since they nag and worry and he's not married yet). They are mostly pretty pleasant to be around, and my mom is very kind to me most of the time and does and has done a lot for me.  My dad was very devoted and drove me around to many things growing up too.  The physical abuse was mostly few and far between with him to me.  I was afraid of him though.  Even in high school I would hide if I heard someone unknown coming.  My mom would get annoyed at this, but I think I was traumatized a bit.  My sister took the brunt of the abuse, and my parents think I should be grateful to her for that.  I am resentful because they created her, my abuser through their abuse.  I too could have taken that out on a younger sibling, but I chose to end that toxic cycle.  None of them see that.

My parents feel guilty about my oldest sister, even if they can't acknowledge it, they understand to some degree that all the pressure they put on her and abuse is what caused some of her issues.  She had a mental breakdown in her 20s and needed to have inpatient hospitalization.  She is still really upset they did that.  They bring this comparing up like it will help repair somehow, but it just makes me feel angry that they still don't even know me a little (mostly my dad).  My sister claims I am difficult.  I agree, if that means no longer tolerating her abuse, and fighting back when I got old enough to do so when she'd yank me by the hair for doing nothing is being difficult.  If blocking her on my phone because she doesn't respect basic boundaries of, I can no longer have this conversation, I am at work, and the get 42 txt from her berating me is being difficult, sure,
I am the difficult one.     I think it's infuriating because my family has always all expected me to just suck it up because "that's the way she is".  Not one person ever stands up to her and says, look, enough is enough, stop treating your sister that way.  Not my parents when she was 5 years older and a lot bigger and beating me with her words and her hands and feet.  Not my sisters now when she bullies me out of family get togethers.  I am just tired of it and I don't want my kids to feel the fall out.  Not being able to travel to them for holidays has been a relief. I was really sad at first, but now I feel like I needed the break. I miss my nieces and nephews, but I don't miss the toxic dynamics with my entire family.  My older daughter misses her cousins, but my younger daughter barely remembers those times.  I would still like to attend get togethers at some point, but I am also tired of always being the one to travel.  If they decide they are comfortable with travel, hopefully they'll come visit me.  I have lived here 12 years and they've visited 2 times total. 

They are upset that I won't speak with my eldest sister, which is what makes them bring up this stuff.   I agree with that comment for my sister since she is abusive still.  If she had changed and stopped, then I would continue to interact with her.  As it is now, I have her blocked on my phone because she was abusive in calling and texting me.  I still send my nephews (her kids) presents, and I am sad that cutting off contact with her means I don't have much contact with them, but it was necessary.  Her behaviours and blow ups at me would cause me weeks of anguish.  I am not sure getting to see her and the rest of my family for 1 week a year is worth it,  she would emotionally blackmail me and use personal decisions to try and cut me out.  I am just tired of her antics.  I like peace, and she's all drama all the time. I felt like I had no space in my life to form healthy friendships because even the distant relationship I had with her was so emotionally draining. 

Thanks for the YouTube recommend,  I will add it to my watchlist.  Work on boundaries has helped me a lot, since I grew up with porous boundaries.  It resulted in me being taken advantage of a lot at work, and building resentment.  Working on boundaries with a counsellor helped a lot, but actively not interacting with the person who tramps my boundaries all the time (my sister) has helped more I think.  I also have a uNPD MIL, limiting contact with her has helped enormously too.  My parents are old and need my help, I will do so, but I just need to limit that talk, I already told them not to bring it up around my kids. If they don't respect that I plan on selective hearing for our trip.

[guitarman]

Keeping calm and setting firm boundaries are key to my recovery.

I will not tolerate any more abuse.

Abuse is not acceptable.

"Being difficult" is not accepting abuse.

If there are people wanting you to accept continued abuse they are "flying monkeys" or have "fleas". They may well be NPD themselves.

You do you. Don't be intimidated, be assertive. You have a right to live a life free from abuse. You have a right to calmly express your feelings and opinions.

Be aware that others maybe trying to provoke you into anger by pushing all your buttons. Stay calm, ignore and be indifferent.

There is a different life to live free from abuse and trauma. It may not be the one you imagined but it is the one you deserve.

We have our family of origin (FOO) and our family of choice (FOC). We can't change our family of origin. We can only choose whom we wish to be friends with.

It is not up to us to change in order to placate the abuser. We can't change their behaviour we can only change our own. They won't ever change.

Don't expect an apology from your parents. They can't admit they did anything wrong so they feel they have nothing to apologise for.

I hope you have a peaceful time with your parents.

[Breakthrough]

Thanks, I was able to manage well with my parents thankfully.  I spent most of the time supervising my kids closely so it was less time with my parents who wanted to relax.  My dad enjoyed it and they left on good terms and appreciated me.  I am thankful.  Still not really sure about my relationship with my oldest sister.  It's okay though.  For now we just don't have one and it's a lot more peaceful.