Self Differentiation

[Hilltop]

I was watching Jerry Wise and he was talking about this see saw effect when you have little self differentiation and you go through periods of being closer to your family and then something happens and you swing to the other side and are VLC or NC.  I thought to myself, well that is me, that is me all over.  At the moment I am swinging VLC and of course whilst I thought I was not being reactive as he explains this is still very much a reactive state.  So I started looking into self differentiation which is something I need more of and where I believe I need to go.

If anyone else has looked into this, read about it, the thing that is confusing me is that part of it seems to be that if someone insults you, not to take that on board, to remain as your solid self so that you don't react and simply bring yourself to the relationship.  I get the idea and I see how this works if someone is giving an opinion or doing something you may not like but it's not personal.

How does this work when someone is being deliberately hurtful, trying to hurt you, insult you, mock you?  Are you suppose to get to a stage where you are able to speak up and say you don't like to be insulted if that is your solid self and how you want to be or is it that you are suppose to breathe into the insult, not take it personally as it is a reflection of them and be able to leave the comment with them or consider if aspects of it are true and then decide for yourself if you need to work on yourself or you simply reject the insult. In other words being around someone who tries to bring you down won't matter if you are self differentiated because it simply won't have the same sting as what it does now.  How do we separate this from emotional abuse.  Is it still the case that some relationships will still be too damaging despite learning self differentiation?

I am only just starting to read about this and whilst I can see how it will be extremely beneficial am I missing a part regarding when a relationship is damaging and lower contact is wise.  Is this something which becomes more obvious as you learn and introduce it into your life?

What are other people's thoughts on self differentiation?

[Boat Babe]

Ooh, good question. It's difficult not to take things personally when they are aimed at you!

I suppose we have to break it down into components. I've never heard of self differentiation till now but I see the process in teenagers and it is a painful, for everyone, process!  If we don't feel fully "ourselves" round our families and possibly significant others then that's emmeshment I imagine and something to work on. Remembering that PDs may have the emotional makeup of a toddler (whilst having the intellect of an adult) may help too.

It is difficult though and sometimes distance is the only solution. Hugs.

[Hilltop]

Hey Boat babe.  From what I have read in a lot of PD families sometimes people don't go through the self differentiation process you are suppose to as a teenager.  So you stay in this role and being triggered by your FOO.  You  live by the family rules because you haven't learned your own.

As your own self, you are able to self soothe, not react, have your own opinions etc.  You are right otherwise it's enmeshment.

I just can't be myself around my family, I feel like a little kid and I forget myself completely.  I take on all the blame and end up feeling low self worth.  In essence I haven't separated out from them. in an emotional sense.  Physically yes, emotionally no.

[Boat Babe]

Sounds like a growing moment Hilltop. 😁❤️

[Hilltop]

Thanks Boatbabe, it is a learning moment.  Slowly, little steps.