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[Freetobe]

Hello friends, need help, am i wrong? Married 20 yrs, i filed for divorce last april, i havent moved foward i am always doubting myself. My biggest complaint is my spouses anger control at times and how it has made me feel. I filed because i see it has affected my 15 yr old as well. In his words the punishment never fits the crime. Alot of over reaction to a sitiation. My question is i am being told the reason for the years of anger was because  my spouse says " they should never have allowed me to make their anger grow into what it was". My spouse is always referto me putting friends over family. Not true. But there was a big misunderstanding years ago that got blown out of proportion. My spouses reaction to it was so over the top and scary i was afraid. They were partially right, but their reaction to it was so over the top scary it took away from me being able to see it their way. This is why years later i am being told, my spouse feels they should not have allowed themselves to let me make them that angry. I am going crazy here. Does anyone relate to this

[GentleSoul]

I am so sorry to read of your situation.  Sending strength and best wishes to you.

I relate in that my late PD spouse tried to dictate and control how I felt.  That my true feelings and emotions were not valid.

I assure you mine and yours are valid.  Completely.

[Empie2204]

Freetobe,

I am so sad to read about your situation. It is so similar to many situations here, mine included (it´s the past now).
No, you are not wrong. You are just too deep in the fog that you cannot properly evaluate your true emotions and thoughts.
Being in the fog suits the abusive spouse.
Being in the fog we forget that we are human beings, allowed to be imperfect. 

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds to me like your abusive spouse is blaming you for his level of rage.

He owns his feelings and responses. 

[notrightinthehead]

You cannot possibly be responsible for your husband's rage. Whatever you did or did not do — he alone is responsible for his anger and how he behaves.

[JustKeepTrying]

 

I can only control my own actions.  He can only control his own actions.  The fact that he does not take responsibility in the slightest is concerning.  That kind of anger and rage is not good for anyone mentally and physically.

It sounds like you are almost ready to step Out of the FOG.  Do you have a therapist?  Perhaps a therapist who is good with trauma would be helpful.

Try journaling for your own emotions but also to document what you see and feel every day.  This helped me to see all the little things and big things and put them in perspective.  Someone here recently mentioned abuse amenisia  - which is very real and I did that to myself every day for 30 years. 

  You feelings are valid.  What you are going through is awful and we got your back.

[Kat54]

Everyone is responsible for their own feelings. You should never be blamed for his anger. My ex blamed everyone and he was never wrong. It's abusive. Hope you can get help and support from anyone close to you. I did therapy and it definitely helped me get out.