Smothering worrying all the time

[p123]

Hes getting worse. I'm off on a business trip next week - its only in Telford which is 2 hours away by train. 2 days.

So Dads "Call me as soon as you get there". "No Dad I've got to go into the office".
"Call me in the night as well so I know you're in the hotel". "Dad I'm going out with people from the office that night so I won't be able to phone you".

"Oh I'll be SOOOO worried about you".....

To be honest, I just think WILL YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!
Its crazy. I'm 54 years old. I've worked all over Europe for the past 30 years and hes concerned about a trip.

Yes I know it sounds like anxiety and I've tried to get him to speak to his Doctor but he refuses. His idea is you're either padded-cell mad or you just need to pull your socks up and get on with it.

Not being mean but my attitude with Dad these days is, well deal with it, pull your socks up then.... Your problem not mine.

[Call Me Cordelia]

So worried about your being busy with your life and not thinking about him at all, more like. Have a good trip.

[Tribe16]

This is really interesting to me and here's why. I'd been doing that FOR YEARS, really all my life with my mom. And I'm a grandma  When we became estranged and went VVLC, I went places! I didn't call to say I got to the hotel! I didn't call to say I landed! And I finally realized, that having to check in with my mom was not normal behavior for an adult woman to have to report to her worrying mom. Mind you, she wasn't asking, "Tell me about your trip, what did you enjoy?" No. It's taken awhile, but mom wasn't really interested in me per se. More just having this weird control thing "so she wouldn't worry". This is one of the perks of LC in my book, that I don't do this anymore. And I realized in that - that I don't ask it of my adult children either. I'm happy to talk with them and hear about a trip, but it took the epiphany of learning what is normal and what isn't to stop doing what was unhealthy.

[Poison Ivy]

My late father-in-law was like your dad in this way, p123. I think FIL did this because he knew that if something happened to my ex-husband, FIL would have to get a new caregiver.

[Jolie40]

PD parent did that with GC who always complied
even after she became a parent
if she visited with her kids, PD parent wanted a call that GC got home okay

never, ever did that with me, the SC

guessing it's a control issue
GC was easier to control than me

[p123]

So worried about your being busy with your life and not thinking about him at all, more like. Have a good trip.

Yes Im sure thats part of it.

[p123]

Yeh I think its a "control" thing with Dad. Its like "Im your father so I have to look after you".

Ive noticed hes "lovebombing" a lot too. Its as if he can see I dont have and dont want the relationship he wants with me. So hes trying to get closer to know everything about my life.

I've told him and told him though that him being like this is just annoying but he still does it.

[Cat of the Canals]

Yeh I think its a "control" thing with Dad. Its like "Im your father so I have to look after you".

What's funny is, I think it's the reverse. It's another form of parentification.
"I'm worried, so I need you to bend over backward to reassure me that everything is OK."

That's how it works with my mom anyway. She vomits worry and anxiety on everyone else with the expectation that the rest of us will do something about it. The notion that it's HER job to manage her own emotions never occurs to her.

[nanotech]

It's controlling.
I used to allow my parents to do this, much like tribe 16.
It isn't normal. It also isn't love.
The conveyance of worry, has no relationship to love. 
The responsibility to continually reassure/ allay your dad's worry by limiting your lifestyle, is actually quite a violent thing to impose upon you.

[Happypants]

It's control utilising the ultimate form of plausible deniability, the intended outcome being that you can't argue that someone shouldn't worry about you, and shouldn't contact you because they're worried about you, especially a parent.  So it's the perfect go-to excuse for contacting you, making sure you're available, after all, society tells us that all good parents worry about their children, whatever age they are 

I'm not sure what your reactions to this have been in the past, but my past experience is that I immediately shrunk as a human being when hit with the "we're just worried about you" (sometimes in a wheedling tone, sometimes an angry one, never a genuine, warm tone).  And always off the back of me not being in contact enough or responding to their contact quickly enough.  I didn't bite the last time, just glossed over it and it's been a while since they employed that tactic. 

I've told him and told him though that him being like this is just annoying but he still does it.

You being annoyed is still a win for him.  It's worked because he's getting a reaction out of you and he knows he's in your head.  Have you tried grey rock in these situations?

[Boat Babe]

Yeh I think its a "control" thing with Dad. Its like "Im your father so I have to look after you".

What's funny is, I think it's the reverse. It's another form of parentification.
"I'm worried, so I need you to bend over backward to reassure me that everything is OK."

That's how it works with my mom anyway. She vomits worry and anxiety on everyone else with the expectation that the rest of us will do something about it. The notion that it's HER job to manage her own emotions never occurs to her.

Cat, you just described  my mother. Thank you because this will help me be more chill when she does this now.

[nanotech]

Yeh I think its a "control" thing with Dad. Its like "Im your father so I have to look after you".

What's funny is, I think it's the reverse. It's another form of parentification.
"I'm worried, so I need you to bend over backward to reassure me that everything is OK."

That's how it works with my mom anyway. She vomits worry and anxiety on everyone else with the expectation that the rest of us will do something about it. The notion that it's HER job to manage her own emotions never occurs to her.

Cat, you just described  my mother. Thank you because this will help me be more chill when she does this now.

P123, Boat Babe and Cat,
Yes actually this discussion is making me think that it's a bit of both, that they need us to reassure them so they don't have to control their own emotions.
My parents were just the same. I had to 'check in' regularly. I had to reassure them constantly so that they remained unworried.
Unfortunately, I can also now see my old self in this. Over the last few years, I've realised that I've been doing this to my own children. I've been a massive 'worrier' and they've had to reassure me time and time again.  I can see now, that I was just passing on my own anxieties regarding safety.
While this behaviour is damaging, and horrible, I'm not sure your dad is at all conscious of the pain and upset it's giving you.
So while you've every right in the world to get mad, someone who isn't self aware and unlikely to become so, is never going to see it as anything other than normal.
I can remember feeling  so confused when my son got angry with me over my worrying. Surely I was being a caring parent to him?  Nope, I was trying to dump my feelings on him for daring to try to be independent, and do things I wouldn't do.
Hmmm. For me - this was fleas- I'm working on this still, and I've had  useful therapy for it.
I've had to accept I've done this, and that's been hard. Much easier to stay in the fog.
Difficult to suggest what to do. My youngest child always had a  very calm, respectful yet firm reaction to me though, holding totally to her boundaries yet in a loving way.   I can see now how this response always defused me, to the extent where I fussed far less with her.
Medium chill, smile, hold your boundaries, smile, broken record, smile..... repeat

[Poison Ivy]

Great post, nanotech. Thank you. I too need to work on not dumping my worries and anxiety onto my children.

[p123]

Yeh I think its a "control" thing with Dad. Its like "Im your father so I have to look after you".

What's funny is, I think it's the reverse. It's another form of parentification.
"I'm worried, so I need you to bend over backward to reassure me that everything is OK."

That's how it works with my mom anyway. She vomits worry and anxiety on everyone else with the expectation that the rest of us will do something about it. The notion that it's HER job to manage her own emotions never occurs to her.

Oh indeed. My last contract required trips to London. He hates the place - thinks its a place for muggings, and shootings. Of course its not. Last time he told me not to ride the "underground" (subway) because people get attacked. Yeh right but how many million londoners use it every day Dad with no problems?
It then turned into it being my fault for taking a contract that meant I had to go to london and make him worry? Eh?

He does have an anxiety problem to be honest. I've told him many times to speak to his Doctor. Refuses. To him mental health is "pull your socks up" or you're locked in a padded cell. He even said once he couldnt discuss with a doctor because of the shame if it ever got out. Ummm Dad you do know its confidential don't you?

[p123]

It's controlling.
I used to allow my parents to do this, much like tribe 16.
It isn't normal. It also isn't love.
The conveyance of worry, has no relationship to love. 
The responsibility to continually reassure/ allay your dad's worry by limiting your lifestyle, is actually quite a violent thing to impose upon you.

I ignore him. Im not changing what I do because hes "worried"

[p123]

Yeh I think its a "control" thing with Dad. Its like "Im your father so I have to look after you".

What's funny is, I think it's the reverse. It's another form of parentification.
"I'm worried, so I need you to bend over backward to reassure me that everything is OK."

That's how it works with my mom anyway. She vomits worry and anxiety on everyone else with the expectation that the rest of us will do something about it. The notion that it's HER job to manage her own emotions never occurs to her.

Cat, you just described  my mother. Thank you because this will help me be more chill when she does this now.

P123, Boat Babe and Cat,
Yes actually this discussion is making me think that it's a bit of both, that they need us to reassure them so they don't have to control their own emotions.
My parents were just the same. I had to 'check in' regularly. I had to reassure them constantly so that they remained unworried.
Unfortunately, I can also now see my old self in this. Over the last few years, I've realised that I've been doing this to my own children. I've been a massive 'worrier' and they've had to reassure me time and time again.  I can see now, that I was just passing on my own anxieties regarding safety.
While this behaviour is damaging, and horrible, I'm not sure your dad is at all conscious of the pain and upset it's giving you.
So while you've every right in the world to get mad, someone who isn't self aware and unlikely to become so, is never going to see it as anything other than normal.
I can remember feeling  so confused when my son got angry with me over my worrying. Surely I was being a caring parent to him?  Nope, I was trying to dump my feelings on him for daring to try to be independent, and do things I wouldn't do.
Hmmm. For me - this was fleas- I'm working on this still, and I've had  useful therapy for it.
I've had to accept I've done this, and that's been hard. Much easier to stay in the fog.
Difficult to suggest what to do. My youngest child always had a  very calm, respectful yet firm reaction to me though, holding totally to her boundaries yet in a loving way.   I can see now how this response always defused me, to the extent where I fussed far less with her.
Medium chill, smile, hold your boundaries, smile, broken record, smile..... repeat

Ha ha yeh. With Dad though its all irrational. As above "don't go to London you'll get mugged".
"Dont go on holidays to Florida - the USA is full of people who shoot you"

[GentleSoul]

Adding to the chorus of people saying "control".

Control done in a covert way.  Pretending it is being caring and nice.  No, it's control.

[square]

To be fair, your dad is right about Florida.

(My apologies to Floridians)

[p123]

Yeh got back from my trip last night and rung him.

Does anyone else get this? If hes waiting for me to phone, he'll like pick the phone up within like a second. As if hes sat there and move in case I ring. Hes done this before - he stands and watches for me drivng along the road.

Anyway he was in full scale flap. "I've been so worried" and for some reason "Do did you speak to your boss? Are they happy with you?".
Umm No Dad, I dont have a job where I'm supervised so no. THREE more times he asked me the same question.

I hate it - its like being smothered.