Emotional Abuse Flashbacks

[JustKeepTrying]

My new therapist wants me to document my for want of better term "abuse flashbacks".  This is designed to help with my guilt and shame.

I have been writing in my journal more and I knew it in my head and had connected this to my heart but it still bleeds through.  That learned behavior you develop while walking on eggshells.  For me, right now, it is acknowledging my emotions, recognizing their validity and knowing when to act on them.  This is so hard after literal decades/lifetime of denying their validity.  While I can't name a specific instant or instants, I can describe the feeling of being in a conversation with someone outside the house - a party or family event - where he was present and he would watch me.  I would go on instant hyper-alert, chest and throat tight, and my brain would go into hyperdrive - can I say this?  I would watch his face carefully for microexpressions - tightening of the mouth/eyes flickering dark, face tightening, a slight turning away - to see if I was saying what he wanted me to say.  And if I wasn't there would that briefest of sigh and flash of disgust - and the car ride home would be glacial.

I live like this for 30years and grew up in a house where I was termed the drama queen and praised when I was more 50s housewife than 60s rebel.

Since the divorce, I have been so isolated due to the pandemic.  Except for my brief foray into camping and then right back to surgery again.  My social interactions are so infrequent and I really do fear that I don't know what to say, how to say it and the judgment that I have been conditioned to expect.

Back to my therapist.  These emotional flashbacks.  These mental triggers that creep in during the day.  I truly hope that I can get on the other side of them.  Me and my badass self.

[notrightinthehead]

JustKeepTrying I can relate to that feeling of hyper-vigilance. I am also conditioned to go into that mode, basically since the first day of my life on earth, and it has hindered me a lot.  I usually did very badly in oral exams because I was so sensitized to the vibes from the examiners, a slight frown, a slight shift of the eyebrows made me lose my concentration and confidence. I even tuned into my therapists and avoided topics that I assumed made them uncomfortable or hinted at progress in order to make them feel good about themselves. And of course that trait came useful in my marriage to a NPD person - to my own detriment.
Now, if I want to say something and not be influenced by the non-verbal expressions of others, I look away. I look behind them or to the floor,  which has resulted in the other person sometimes turning around and checking what is behind them. Still, it allows me to utter my thoughts without being influenced by whatever goes on within the other person. The frown might have nothing to do with me, but be a stomach cramp or some wind,  still, it might knock out the ground under my feet for me. I don't know if that will ever go away but looking away when I have something important to say is a crutch that helps me do it for now.

[Boat Babe]

I really like the phrase "Practice makes better".

So practice getting out of the Fight/Flight response (all that exhausting hypervigilence) by doing poly vagal breathing. A few minutes of slow, careful breathing will flip your body into "Rest/Digest". To start with, you have to do it a lot, but, over time, you will lessen your stress response

Hugs.

[escapingman]

I almost stopped talking on the phone to people, every time uNPDw was watching me and always tried to stop me so she could tell me what to say. If I has a conversation with anyone without her listening she would tell me what I should have said and if I hadn't she would let me know. I even had a disagreement with someone at work over something and uNPDw sided with him without even having heard the discussion. This has made things so bad I struggle to pick up the phone even when I am completely on my own, suppose she gave me a phobia of talking to people in case I say something wrong. Writing messages is easier as I can think through properly exactly what I have written before sending it. I am working on my social skills now and try to hold conversations with people that tries to get close to me. I am trying to get to the point that if I say something the other person don't like, it's his/her problem and for them to decide how to deal with. It's not my job to try to read the other person and only say things that would not upset him/her.

JKT, your journey with your new T is wonderful to follow. Keep it up!

[JustKeepTrying]

EM, Notrightinthehead, user and BoatBabe,

Your advice is valuable right now.  I'm being encouraged by my T to go out and meet people.  So I have two dates - just coffee for a half hour - and practice talking to someone.  I haven't done this for 35 years and frankly I am a little terrified.  But I will employ all the those tactics - the eye, breathing and just look at this like practice.  Which is what I need - practice.

I need to learn to be comfortable in who I am - as I am - and confident - and not spin out.  Just be me.  I don't know if any of this will play out and right now that's OK.  I am leaving my comfortable little home here and meeting a new person.  That is a big step for me.

[1footouttadefog]

I hope these interactions go well and that you will find them like the proverbial riding a bike, ie you don't forget and can get rolling again with only the slightest awkwardness.  I hope you find your self camping again soon.

Meeting folks at a camp ground or similar events is a great way to begin socializing because the stakes are low.  No long term expectations or commitments and you can just enjoy it all in the moment.

I have a hobby where in I go to gatherings of similarly interested people in state parks and such.  We have pot luck dinners and enjoy talking hobby.