Sometimes I don't understand but I've been speaking out about being treated bad

[Prototypian]

My spouse says denigrating things when stuff doesn't go to plan and she doesn't like something.   Lately I've actually been speaking about how I feel and that I dislike it and not letting her subject be changed until she acknowledged that i said what I mean.   I dotn care if she apologizes or not but I want to make sure she is hearing me.  And it's not really fixing things but it is making me feel better.

Our son is both graduating from high school and has the nationals sporting event for his sport in just a couple of days.  The drive from our town to the city/state where the event is held is 10.5 hours and one of his races is the night following graduation.   He is already going to college on a big track scholarship and high school isn't his thing anymore and he has told us that.   I agreed to let him leave roughly after graduation and we could drive halfway there, stay in a hotel then drive half day on the race day so that his legs were not stuck in a vehicle for 10 plus hours.

My spouse heard this and said "oh". Which I took to be oh as in "oh I understand".  Then she said, I guess if you and he want to treat everyone in a sh1ttty way then that's your choice".  And i said ,wait what do you mean?   And she said "he is just going to say screw you to all the friends and family"

And I said no that's not true, we are going to graduation. And he agreed to photos and time after.   And she said "no it's fine, why don't you both run off to the little track meet while everyone else can just show up and he can skip all the opportunities to thank people"

I stopped her and said that's not what we mean at all.   And you are being degrading and mean the way you are phrasing this and it's obvious that the event and showcase of this means more to you than the graduate.   But you can't belittle me like this because that isn't my intent or the reason I'm doing this.


And I had to repeat this twice and she said ,"you feel that way but that's how you are behaving"

My son has been state champion for our state in every distance running event for two years.   Last year he was too 10 nationally in two distance events for track., He earned a full ride for next fall to run at a premiere school and is ranked number one or two in those same two events this year for the USA in high school.  He is not going to some little event and he has put a lot of thought into this.   He is not going to project graduation because he dedicates his free time to running and that's his choice.   He has good grades, his only goal in life is to run on a major team of other runners and maybe get.to.train for something bigger someday.

This strategy isn't helping me deal with her but it is helping me deal with me.  And that's important.

[JustKeepTrying]

Jsinjin,

This is so sad.  This is a sport your son has dedicated a huge portion of life too and has done well in - and is being rewarded for.  For wife to respond that way is not to spurn just you but also her own son.  How incredibly hurtful.  And for what?  To what end?  Just to get her two cents in?  Or because she wants to parade him around him as a proud mom.

A bit of advice from one parent who has had three graduations high school and college, no one sticks around long.  Maybe a half hour and then off to dinner with the family.  Well, dinner with family can be scheduled for another day.  Everyone who knows your son will know he is where he wants to be - on the track.  And they will understand.  When you have a sporting kid, you arrange your life around those dates.  That's just the way it is.

You must be so proud of how well he is doing!  I am proud for you!  Soak in this amazing time.  This is your time with your son so enjoy it!

[square]

Proud of you, and proud of your son. And neither of you should have to be getting that bs. The plan is reasonable and smart. And it rightly centers your son, not his mom.

[SonofThunder]

Jsinjin,

A huge congrats to your son on the accomplishments and his future in collegiate track sounds very promising. 

Others have already mentioned the pride factor as it relates to graduation and your wife's opinion. I fully agree in your son's decision to balance the priority of attending graduation yet fully focus on the collegiate activities vs the after-social at the high school. 

I also want to mention that your PDw's reaction of post-graduation activities may sound pride related, but if it were my PDw making that comment, the 'pride' would simply be a smokescreen for what lies deeper in her emotions, and that is HER social image regarding her son's after-graduation decisions and itinerary. 

You wrote:   

"... she said, I guess if you and he want to treat everyone in a sh1ttty way then that's your choice".  And i said ,wait what do you mean?   And she said "he is just going to say screw you to all the friends and family"

Followed by...."no it's fine, why don't you both run off to the little track meet while everyone else can just show up and he can skip all the opportunities to thank people"

Therefore, I even more strongly applaud his departure.  If it were my child, that decision to focus on the next chapter is great practice of self-control and balanced priorities,  but wouldn't have my graduate (or me) sticking around for all the disguised PD self-focused reputation upholding and pats on the back of the parent vs the deserving graduate.

My uPDw would say something very similar to me in advance of that same situation and then, when she realized her hidden self-reputation concerned attempt at coercion was not going chosen by the graduate or me, she would then fully (and hypocritically) reverse course at the after-party and use the collegiate track event as the great parental 'pride' reason she promoted his quick departure. 

SoT

[Stillirise]

Wow!! What an exciting and memorable time in your son's life—and in yours!!  It sounds like you've raised a hard-working, prudent, reasonable young man.   I'm glad to see you standing up for yourself and your son, and stating your very reasonable plans.  I think basically all of the rest of your son's friends and family will be thrilled for him, and will completely understand and support the situation. 

I would suggest letting her talk, but continue your plans, as scheduled. If she tests her ideas with others, she will inevitably discover that most people see your plans as completely reasonable, under the circumstances.  That may quiet her down.

Like SOT, I remember experiencing such things, with updxh.  Once he realized public opinion wasn't on his side, he would switch gears, and take credit for whatever it was the kids or I were already doing.  No matter his underlying motives, it was fine with me, as it brought us peace.

Best wishes to you and your son in these exciting times ahead!! I hope you're able to set aside the drama of PDw, and allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with such a rewarding ending, and new beginning in your son's life!

[BeautifulCrazy]

  ...Lately I've actually been speaking about how I feel and that I dislike it and not letting her subject be changed until she acknowledged that i said what I mean.   I dotn care if she apologizes or not but I want to make sure she is hearing me.  And it's not really fixing things but it is making me feel better.

...........

This strategy isn't helping me deal with her but it is helping me deal with me.  And that's important.

This is pure gold Jsinjin!!!
Hooray for you!! 
I know how difficult it must have been for you for you to begin to speak up and, most of all, to persist in being heard.
It will get even easier with practice.
I am very proud of your progress!!


Additional validation: If I were friends or family of someone in your and your son's position, I would not think I was being treated poorly by either of you. I would think you were moving on to normal next steps and demonstrating normal priorities. If something I had done or contributed required a 'thank you', I would be perfectly content to receive a call, e-mail, card or other acknowledgement at a later date. 

[1footouttadefog]

She must want to show him off and parade him in front of folks she gets supply from instead if supporting his goals and needs. 

Sense his goals and needs are not important beyond garnering supply from her fan club, maybe he would be more special if he was in a vaccum cleaner bag.


I am sorry your wife is not more supportive of your sins goals and successes. 

I know you are greatful for him and his success.  Keep being Dad