Advice needed for an emotional situation

[findingmypath]

I have been away from my un-NPD, OCPD husband for a week, unexpectedly, for my father's funeral.   My H and DD are flying in tonight for a funeral in 2 days.   On top of a very difficult week sorting things out here, my H has had any amount of drama there, mostly stemming from the fact that I am not there (that the house is too much work, the dog is too much work, the single child is too much, etc).   He is currently furious because he doesn't like his seat on the flight, he doesn't like the hotel, he doesn't want to stay at the family home, etc.  Honestly, it doesn't really matter:   All of it is just an excuse - he would be unhappy regardless.  My worry this time is that all week he has been extremely angry, more irrational than usual.   All week he has been hinting that he is not important to me, that I am not paying him enough attention, etc.   

My father's funeral is in 36 hours.  In the back of my mind, I"m sad.  I need to be there for my mother and brother.  I need to properly mourn my father.  But mostly, I'm beside myself with nervousness.  My daughter texted me from the airport saying that he is furious and ready to take it out on me and to be prepared.   I just feel like this is not a good use of my emotional energy.   

I'm trying to tell myself to detach - let him feel his feelings, I can't control his feelings, etc.   But it's not so easy.  How can I tune him out for these few days?

Thanks for your help.

[square]

I'm very sorry for the loss of your father.

I lost mine recently, and I can glimpse how awful it would be to not be able to grieve because of a PD.

In fact, I did the funeral without my H. I was able to do this with a minimum of fuss - he was sort of miffed but he is a PPD hermit so he didn't wat to come anyway.

Since that is not an option for you, the two main options I can see are to cope as well as possible for this time and set aside time to mourn later (and I mean it, actually focus some time on this), or if he is acting so badly you have nothing left to lose you can blow it up and tell him to stay at a hotel, block him on your phone, etc. It would be bad but maybe no worse than the alternative.

I have to say, this is something I would not forget. This goes in the category of betrayal, imho.

Peace be with you.

[JustKeepTrying]

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I did with both my mom and dad - and my xOCPDh was awful.

When he raged, it was in private and I just looked at him blankly - I could not process him at that time.  I was a moving shadow just trying to deal with the death of my parent.  I let it roll over me but there was something in the back of my mind that clocked it and I remembered.

I did at one point give him something to do and told him I need to do this because he was so good at it.  That helped pacify him - I think it was help diverting some of those distant relatives that needed help.  It kept him busy and out of my hair.

I know it wouldn't help in the long run but there isn't anything wrong with drawing a line and stating - My father died.  Back off.

[notrightinthehead]

Sorry for the loss of your father.
Sounds like your NPDh does not get the service and attention he expects and throws a temper tantrum.  Go back to the TOOLBOX, read up on medium chill, non JADE and grey rock again. Implement! Your daughter sounds older - model healthy behaviour for her.  Your first duty is to yourself - do everything you can to get through this hard time safely.  Expect your husband to be at his worst. Remind yourself as many times as needed - I am not responsible for his feelings nor his behaviour.  If he shows others how he is and has a temper tantrum in public - let him!  You are not responsible for him.  You are responsible to get yourself best as you can through this difficult time.

[SonofThunder]

Findingmypath,

Im so sorry about the loss of your father.  Thoughts and prayers for you and your family for comfort.  I believe your answer may lie in JustKeepTrying's response, which contained: 

"When he raged, it was in private...."   Therefore my advise is the purposeful opposite; for you to always be with, and also stay with, select certain family/friends whom your husband will refrain from showing his PD behaviors to protect his self image.

In addition as the notright stated "Go back to the TOOLBOX, read up on medium chill, non JADE and grey rock again. Implement! "

Again, very sorry for your loss,

SoT

[losingmyself]

I don't have any good advice for you, I just wanted you to know that I understand. Things are a blur of activity, mourning, planning, etc. And the last thing you need is to have your attention drawn to H instead of the matters at hand.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
When my M died 6 years ago, I was deep in the fog, and I had to be concerned if H was taken care of, if he was getting enough attention, and if he knew where I was at all times. What I remember from that time is H yelling at me because he didn't hear me tell him I was going to the bathroom. At my mother's funeral. And I remember not being there for my kids. They were hurting, but I could only offer them so much comfort because I had to keep laser focused on H. I was devastated, but I had to worry about his feelings.
I hope that you take the good advice given here, and have a different experience than I did.
It IS all about you, and that's how it should be. Take it, and let him have his own feelings. I hope he doesn't ruin this time for you.

[findingmypath]

Thank you to each of you - square, not right, just keep trying, SoT, losingmyself - for you thoughtful and helpful answers.   Just seeing in writing your advice and understanding helps.   I will keep applying the toolbox tools, and generally try to follow your advice to let him feel his feelings and use the tools on my part (MC, Jade, gray rock).   My mother and I planned the funeral this week, H arrived last night and blew up today because he was desperate to control what my mother, my daughter, and me (very obviously) are doing.   The level of drama, the need for attention, the raging and tantrums - it's an emotional energy that I don't have right this minute.   We are here now just for the day of the funeral and then we leave, so I just need to spend the time with my family in this minute.  And be there for my daughter, which is a priority (thanks for the comment losing myself).  Again, I thank each of you for your kind advice.

[Lauren17]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand what it is to deal with the death of a parent while married to a PD.
In addition to the wise words others have posted here, I caution you to care for yourself in the weeks and months to come. Know that grief can take many months to run it's course. And that's ok.
When my father died, I was deep in the FOG. He was lovely that first week, held my hand, played with nieces and nephews, charmed the aunts. Once we got home, the guilt and invalidation started. At about 6 weeks, he said to me, It's been over a month. Everyone is tired of you being sad. Get over it!
So I did, and it's only now, many years later, separated from uNPD stbxh that I'm starting to work on suppressed grief.
Take care of you.

[Falsebalance]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm still in OG so I'm not much help but others in this thread are!

A woman I know who left a narcissist gave a similar account. Sometimes knowing I'm not the only one helps.

Hugs to you. 

[findingmypath]

Thank you Lauren and FalseBalance, and everyone, for your comments.  I am also still in FOG, I guess, which would explain my nervousness and sheer dread when H arrived for the funeral.   He was very badly behaved.   Looking back, he was really exceptionally badly behaved.   And I guess I have abuse amnesia because I am really trying very hard not to think about how he acted or what he said.   He actually sat me down today to tell me that "he is sorry for what happened, but it wouldn't have happened if I had just......".  I really appreciate now Square's original comment about my true view of this behavior.

I've read so many people's stories on this forum over the years, and so many people's thoughtful comments and analysis of their own situations.    I've read about how other people approach the problems and stress of living with and dealing with a PD.  I've tried to put the advice to practice.   It's so difficult.   I try to see the positive in life and not dwell on the negative, I try to accept the things I cannot change (like everything about a PD and the difficulty of partnering with a PD), but there are some days, like today, when it does not go well. 

Thank you again for reading my post and for your comments.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Findingmypath,

You wrote: "....which would explain my nervousness and sheer dread when H arrived for the funeral."

I don't consider your described emotional and physical response to be a part of FOG, but rather an educated and conditioned response to life with a PD.  Im Out of the FOG, but like you, understand and accept the reality that a PD is going to bring the self-attention focus of the Karpman drama triangle to every situation, sadly yes including a funeral, since self-focus is their overarching goal that drives everything they do.

You wrote, ahead of the funeral, that you knew his coming would bring these behaviors, therefore the desire he didnt come and the knowledgable nervousness and dread if he did come.  You predicted it perfectly and therefore not FOGgy but knowledgeable and calculated with regard to his behaviors and your mind/body reaction. 

I get nervousness and dread all the time, knowing that my uPDw is going to bring a complex web of drama-triangle behaviors to every situation shes involved in.  It doesnt have to be this way.....but thats the reality of life with a PD. 

Again, sorry for your loss and sorry your spouse interfered in that way. In typical fashion, the PD blamed other things/people for their behaviors and didn't give a flip how it affected others.  You called it in advance and great job for doing so.

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

I think the PDs are prone to really act out when there is a crisis that is not centered around them. I can remember many times when mine created drama because someone else was in the spotlight even if because of death or illness.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. 

[findingmypath]

One foot out - totally agree.   The second we arrived home, H was totally, 100% back to normal behavior.   The bigger the crisis that he is not the center of, that he cannot control, the bigger the drama he creates to bring the focus back to him.  Totally predictable, totally in character.

[Boat Babe]

I am sorry for your loss findingmypath.  In my opinion your husband's behaviour was unforgivable. How dare he hijack your grief. I am so angry on your behalf.