Should I bring this up?

[Associate of Daniel]

UNPD exH sent an email yesterday informing me that I would not be able to see ds15 next week on my court ordered time as he (ex) and his uNPD wife will be away and have organised for ds to stay with "family".

(Ds lives with them during the week.)

The "family" he'll be staying with is Ds's uNPD smother's sister's family.

I feel that the uNPDs should have asked me to have ds for the week.  I don't think the uNPD's sister (or anyone else)  should have been given the responsibility of looking after my son, without me having been asked first.

Should I mention it to uNPD exH?

I know his response will be rage etc etc but maybe...maybe next time they are away during a school week they'll give ds to me?

I really want to speak with the uNPD smother's sister apologising to her for having to look after my son, and tell her that I would have been more than happy to have him if I'd known that the uNPDs were going to be away.

Should I do that?

I don't have an issue with a night here and there, but an entire school week?

What do you all think?

AOD

[Free2Bme]

AOD,

You have a couple options:

A)  You could inform exH and smother that you expect your parenting time with continue according to the court order and that any other "plan" he's cooking up would be in violation of this, unless there was an agreement.  He would have to either attempt to be cooperative and ask you if the visit with 'family' is OK with you, since you would be giving up time with DS .....or, if he choses to push the issue you could politely inform smother's sis/family a(nd exH) what they are signing on for and that you hope to avoid taking legal action against them for interfering with court ordered visitation.

B)  Have a private conversation with DS, and ask him what he wants- keeping it between the two of you.  Tell him you cherish your time with him, but are willing to agree if he thinks he would enjoy time with these people.  Then inform exH of what you and DS decide.  Use exH's antics as an opportunity to be the hero for DS.

C) Attempt negotiate this with exH prior to the event, however we know how this goes with PD folk.   

I don't envy your situation.  Sending wisdom and strength to you AOD

[Penny Lane]

Why can't you just say, no? Say that your ex can make arrangements for DS on his time, but he will be with you during your parenting time.

I agree that DS should be with you if your ex is away, but that might be a losing battle depending on what the order says. DH retain ROFR for overnights for just such occasions, but if you don't have any such provision then you might be out of luck.

[hhaw]

AOD:

I have to chime in here..... it's super odd to place a 15 yo boy with an aunt on the step M's side of the family or ANY side during the mother's Court Ordered parenting time, particularly, imo.

I know your ex is super disordered and crossing him put your son in a stressful position BUT.....
But...... there's a chance ds15 will benefit  in the long run from observing healthy boundaries stated and enforced without drama or emotional escalation from ds' one consistently steady parent, IME

Some day DS might make his own stand with his dad and sm.  You're modeling how to do that in the best possible way or you're mitigating harm to him by placating the PD......and I understand both choices well.

If you do text ex your intent to have DS according to the parenting schedule, with the option to discuss changes both parents agree on, you'll be documenting the situation AND the PD's response in a way the Courts can understand.

I think the Court's would enforce the parenting schedule.

I think you have a chance to help your son learn to navigate the bullying, high conflict PDs in his life, which might be more helpful than keeping the peace.

You'd know better than anyone and I trust you'll make a sound decision.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks for your responses, everyone.

Just to clarify, the time that ds was supposed to be with me was only a couple of hours on one of the nights.

In the end, I texted ds saying I'd still like to spend the time with him if he would like to.

I didn't hear anything back from ds but did then get an email from UNPD exH that I could see ds on that night, followed by orders as to when and where etc.

So ds spent a lovely few hours together.

I thought I'd request to speak with ds's step aunt when I dropped him off at her place but we was uncomfortable with that, and if she is anything like her sister (ds's UNPD smother), I really don't want any personal interaction with her.

So I sent a snail mail letter instead.  (I don't have her phone number or email address.)

I wrote... Thanks for having ds, apologies for her being landed with the responsibility, that I'd have been extremely glad to have him if I'd known his UNPD father and UNPD smother were going to be away, and gave her my phone number for future reference.

I so wanted to ask her to refer the uNPDs to me next time they ask her to look after ds, thereby giving me a chance to BE HIS MOTHER, since I AM HIS MOTHER.

But I kept emotion out of it and stuck to the facts as she'll likely tell the upds about the letter and be manipulated into giving them a copy of it.

So I now await the fallout.

But hey, I got to see my boy!

AOD