I See the FOG For What it is

[GravityOfBeauty]

Hello, everyone.
I’ve been reading through threads and material for a couple of weeks. I finally feel clarity to put pen to paper.

I’m in the FOG…but my eyes are now on the FOG rather than deceived by it. I’ve been married almost seven years, I’m 28. How I wish I could’ve seen the major red flags when we met but I was young and naive and sought to be a "good" Christian companion.

I started therapy fourteen months ago because I felt so completely confused and lost but had no idea why. I had also promised my W that I would do so after some planned life transitions fell through that I took the entirety of the blame for. Another story for another time.

8 months of therapy later : one session, after I described a situation my T finally named that I was being emotionally abused. It rocked my world. Up until that moment I had interpreted everything in my life as just “mood swings” and shouldered the blame for so much. I had always fallen for her promises that things would get better with her next job (she’s had 18+ of those).. the next place we live.. and that someone else was always to blame for her misfortune; never her.. etc.

As our conversations progressed, my T also named my W has enough characteristics to fall into uBPD, if not uPD. She recently mentioned this site as a way to add another voice to my situation. I’ve read countless posts here now; it’s like reading a book of my life. I still have doubts, of course, moments of “is it me” or “am I doing enough?”.. but slowly I am seeing my situation for what it truly is. Sometimes I feel guilty because my life seems much better off than most here. We don’t have kids. I don’t get physically abused (yet). However, the more I learn, the more my eyes are opened to what I have endured for so long and continue to day in and day out.

After much thought and many therapy sessions, I have concluded that I do not want to stay in this marriage. I’m increasingly aware of how my body is showing signs of keeping the score. I don’t feel loved. I feel abused. I feel used. The more I implement MC and JADE, the more ugly it gets. I have realized that if I truly want to get any more “well”, I cannot live with this person or continue to maintain sanity by trying to hold up W’s life with a bunch of toothpicks. It breaks my heart to come to this conclusion, and I don’t say it lightly. She will be devastated.

So here I am, wiping my feet on the welcome mat, for the first time publicly saying that I am married to an abusive, uBPDw who has done me so much harm, and continues to do so. It’s heartbreaking. I hold onto hope that one day I may know what it is to feel alive again.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I saw a mental health carers support worker for regular counselling because I couldn't cope with my sister's behaviour and the impact it was having on our elderly parents.

They described her condition as "mood swings". I don't think she was qualified to give a diagnosis. I later saw a psychiatrist because I wasn't coping well. They mentioned BPD that I had never heard about before. That opened a path to discover more about PDs.

I now define my sister as my abuser and I am her target of abuse.

Abusers are all about power and control.

I follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have learnt such a lot from her.

I have learnt about future faking where things are promised to get better in the future. There is always the hope that everything in the future will change.

I've learnt not to judge people on what they say but their behaviour in the present.

If it hurts it isn't love.

Observe don't absorb.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am glad you found us.
You have been reading around,  so you have found a lot of information already. I strongly recommend you read the book "Stop care-taking the borderline/narcissist" by Fjelstad. And continue with the medium chill and non JADE. With time your home life will become calmer -at least that happened for me - even if you have to endure extinction bursts first. See you around on the boards either committed to working on it, chosen relationships, or separating/divorcing.

[SonofThunder]

Welcome GravityofBeauty,

From your post backstory, you will be in great company here as we all walk the trail together 😀.  You are surely not alone in your experiences!

A very warm welcome to Out of the FOG as well!   Pull up a chair around the campfire and start warming yourself in camaraderie.  As the others stated, the toolbox is a great place to study, practice and implement.  See you around the boards! 

SoT

[GravityOfBeauty]

Thank you, everyone, for the warm welcome.  I started Fjelstad's book yesterday "Stop care-taking the borderline/narcissist" and it's already blowing my mind; so much of the content mirrors my life. It's enlightening, too, to begin putting structure to all the feelings that I subconsciously assumed were because of me in this relationship.

This got me, because it is SO true:

Being the caretaker to a borderline narcissist is the equivalent to being a full-time unpaid therapist.

BTW - I meant to say I have been practicing noJADE (not JADE).. I'm frequently quite dysregualted these days so forgive my typos. I have already seen an improvement using MC.

[GravityOfBeauty]

user,
I must admit I have read through nearly all of your threads; clinging to every word because your experiences literally mirror my life in so many aspects. Thank you for taking the time to put your feelings into words ... because it has helped me feel less alone.

Thankfully children will never enter the picture by accident or by force due to my wife having undergone a hysterectomy during our first year of marriage. It's been a blessing, honestly, to not have to worry about that. I cannot even fathom the thought of parenting children with my uBPDw.