Fearing The Ex

[Kat54]

I'm still working on a couple of things. I'm still afraid of my ex and I know I shouldn't be. We're divorced and I rarely see him these days because our kids have their lives and we don't have to discuss anything regarding them.
I'm going to an Auction house in a couple weeks with my wedding and engagement rings to sell. I really want to do this and give the money to my two kids. The auction house got back to me and we set up and appointment. If and when he finds out I know he would go crazy. I'm going to tell my kids to please keep this to themselves.  They are beautiful Tiffany rings that he spent quite a bit of money on but they make me sad and they just collect dust in a safe.  But he's such a narcissist it would easily become about him, creating drama and saying awful things about me to whoever will listen.

Just walking in the door of my old house I want to run, especially if he's there. His being nice I know if very fake, he was always good at Pretending to like someone and the second they were out of ear shot he would say mean things about the person. 
But sometimes I have to go into see my kids as my daughter still lives there. This is why I moved to another state, to get as far away as possible from him.

On the upside I'm applying to volunteer at a horse rescue farm. I think it will be good for me and hopefully I'll make some new friends along the way.

[JustKeepTrying]

Kat54,

I am sorry that the anxiety and fear still linger.  I've been for 2.5. years from a 32 year marriage.  Yes for me the fear still lingers.  Those days when he communicates I sent spiraling and very triggered.

But the good news is I have tools now.  The toolbox here as well as tools my therapist has given me.  I check in with myself a few times a day - just a 60 sec stop and think if I'm feeling what I'm feeling and is it valid.  I've been doing that for about 7 months and it is helping.  I set a reminder on my phone and twice it pops up asking those questions.  I try to stop and think and several times I've caught that anxiety before it sets in.

I am working on daily meditation mindfulness.  This is harder but when I am successful at it - I find it very helpful to keep myself present.

I also journal  - daily. A real emotional dump and bleed on the page - I find it helpful to purge those negative and scared feelings so I can focus on positive things that happened to me today instead of the negs.

Please look into therapy.  A real trauma therapist will help.  If not post here more often and we got your back.

[BefuddledClarity]

Hi Kat54,

I can related to feeling fear of PDex.
My PDex was verbally and physically abusive to me, but after I called the cops on him and had him charged, I feel much safer... He also does NOT want to be around me anymore, so I feel much better based on that too ...

On a practical note, if you feel unsafe around your ex, I recommend looking into a restraining order. If he comes X amount of feet towards you, he will get arrested and charged.

Depending on where you live, I suggest contacting a domestic violence hotline to retrieve resources.

Domestic violence is not always in the form of physical abuse, it can also be verbal, mental, and financial abuse.

As JustKeepTrying mentioned, therapy would also be helpful to process everything. I'm currently on a wait-list for it, so I'm going to try DV groups in the meantime.

Sometimes there's free therapy for DV.

It's good to hear that the horse rescue farm is keeping your mind at ease. I hope things have been going smoothly for you lately. Please take care.

[Kat54]

Thank you Befuddledclarity and JustKeepTrying, I do journal and try to do some mindfulness yoga at least once a week. The reminder on the phone is a great idea.
Started the horse rescue last weekend. Scooped lots of poop but was also introduced to some of the rescues, gave them water and swept their stalls. A person working there said, notice how calm and peaceful it is here. They have all been through neglect and upset. I think this is perfect.

[BefuddledClarity]

Thank you Befuddledclarity and JustKeepTrying, I do journal and try to do some mindfulness yoga at least once a week. The reminder on the phone is a great idea.
Started the horse rescue last weekend. Scooped lots of poop but was also introduced to some of the rescues, gave them water and swept their stalls. A person working there said, notice how calm and peaceful it is here. They have all been through neglect and upset. I think this is perfect.

Glad to hear how calm and peaceful it has been for you lately. 

[1footouttadefog]

The horse work sounds like a great way to work, exercise, participate, and reflect all at once. 

Glad you found an outlet that works for you.

I hope your rings bring a good price and that your children make meaningful use of the money you will gift them.  What an unselfish way to remove them and the burden they represent to you. 

[Kat54]

Daughter and I talked yesterday. She's starting some classes so she can apply to nursing school. I offered to help her money wise with some of the classes, so I guess also my ex is helping.

Not being around him you forget....She told me how much my part would be as her father fronted the money so she could pay the bill before classes start. She asked if I could write a check to him which I agreed.  With this twinge of distress in her voice, which brought me back to that feeling of fear and you don't want to rock his boat. ! 
She said please don't forget to bring the money this weekend or dad will be really really mad.
My first thought, why would he be mad? He knows I'm going to pay my part. But then again his paranoia sets in along with his anger and he was probably super mad he had to lay it out. He has bad negative angry thoughts going through his head all the time. He's always looking for the reason to be mad or wronged in some way.

So happy I forget how he is but unfortunately for my daughter she still has to live with him. But she's finding her way out.