Kids and Respect

[WhiteWolf]

Me and my DD8 were treated to a wonderful (insert sarcasm) rant and rage session last night by my PDH about: kids don't respect/listen to dad, he is just going to let them harm themselves now since they don't listen, this is his house, do we really want him to assert his dominance, he is nice until he snaps, DD8 treats him like an idiot and on and on. Lots of in your face/towering over you screaming at the top of lungs, DD8 very upset and crying.

I don't know what to do. I agree with the specific topic that blew this all up (DD was being unsafe with a chair and didn't stop the behavior when dad said) but I very simply, without meanness and logically with no emotion modeled right in front of my PDH a logical consequence, she doesn't get to sit on the chair right now since she didn't listen.

I think it just went right over his head. He continued on with raging. And thought it was a good idea to throw flour literally all over the kitchen. Which I had to clean up while he just stood there. It's still everywhere today.

But seriously, why WOULD the kids respect someone who continually treats them badly, screams and yells and intimidates both them and me? And then he says he doesn't want them to fear him. They already do!

The kids listen to me for the most part. And disrespect is just part of the developmental process to a certain point, not personal. He thinks they are so out of control but I don't think that's reality. Everybody always says what great kids they are.

I don't know what to do. Yes they should listen to dad but how do I instill in them to listen when I think he's a terrible person for how he treats them? And of course this is all MY fault because "he let me raise them like this and now they are irretrievably unfixable". Sigh.

[Starboard Song]

You are doing a lot right. You already model good behavior. It is also OK to dryly inform your children when your hushand's behavior is not OK.

I am sure any intervention needs to occur between such incidents, and never during one. Depending on his state of mind, he may very well agree with you -- during a time of peace -- that his behavior is sometimes over the top. If he does, there are many tactics for agreeing to certain signals or safe words to trigger de-escalation the next time this happens.

This may be quite difficult, but it is worth a calm, respectful conversation. Remember, he is not the villain in his version of this story: he is the beleagured dad doing his best. You will have to come at it from a point that doesn't judge him as a person, but does promote consistently better behavior.

Good luck with this.

Be good. Be strong.

[notrightinthehead]

I wish I had learned much earlier in my life to get up take my kids and leave when I get yelled at. Maybe my adult kids would not need therapy and maybe they would not be so anxious and angry.  My NPDh stopped yelling at me immediately I got up to leave after he found himself on his own several times. Initially I had to leave the house and drive away for a while. Eventually he got the message.

If I remember correctly you live in a remote place and have no transport? You are completely dependent on your husband? Then you might want to consider working on an emergency exit plan.

[Lauren17]

It sounds like there were two negative behaviors going on here.
DD's use of the chair.
H's reaction. 

Those are two separate events. In all likelihood, your H can't/won't separate the two. But you can. And it sounds like you did. Well done!

I hope that you can help DD see that these behaviors are separate and she's only responsible for her actions of sitting in the chair.

My own father was prone to outbursts like that. I'm only now discovering and trying to heal the emotional wounds that Little Lauren learned way back then.