Not having a strong enough response

[LemonLime]

Just a vent, if you will:
One thing my uPDsib seems to want is outrage commensurate with her own.  If she is mad at someone, I had better be equally mad at them.   If I am not....well, then the anger will be directed at ME!!   I have 2 choices  1) be rageful on her behalf or 2) be raged AT.

I'm on VVLC with sib and I sure don't miss being put in that no-win situation.    The story that starts out calm, and then the steadily rising anger and rage as she sees me "under-reacting" to her story of being wronged.

It's a boundary issue of course.  As most PD issues are, I believe.  Sib cannot see that her feelings are her feelings, not my feelings.
It's emotional dysregulation. 
Good grief, why didn't anyone ever tell me that what sib was doing to be was not normal?  was not OK?   why did I have to figure it out for myself in middle age?
Thanks for the space, All

[pianissimo]

This reminds me of my father's disappointment at my reactions when he shares bad news. He is never happy with how I respond.

[Prototypian]

I'll sympathize with you.   Many times I can empathize about something that's "bad" in the world from political stuff to injustices to "morons doing things you can't even fathom how they had that idea but it's real".  But sometimes I can just empathize.   Your spouse comes home from a bad work week and you say "so sorry honey, want to have a glass of wine?" Which is empathetic and you get it.   But you weren't affected personally so you're not going to have the same reaction.  That's bad enough in one sense but it's really a mess when they find an OOOVVEERRRSSIIZZEEDDD response to something that either isn't that big a deal or is outside of your control.   It could be that someone grabbed the parking space they were waiting on and they had their blinker on.   Or a freeze occurred on the day of the cub scout picnic and someone had to make the call to scrap it.   You get that it's frustrating but you're also not going to convert your life mission into righting this injustice and cancel all future events and projects until the world has heard about this tragedy.   

My grandfather gave me an antique gumball.machine and one of my kids knocked it over shattering the glass globe.   Yes it was the end of the gumball machine and a mess.   But the kid was 3, I could buy a new but not original glass globe and clean things up.  I was a bit sad.   My wife acted like the whole world had been knocked out of it's orbit and death was now upon us as a society.

I could go on and on but she gets mad that my responses are t in line with hers.   And it's something I've had to just start.lettimg go because I simply can't manufacturer outrage at her level

[Basil Bachelorette]

 I get this too. A continual point of contention between my sister and I is that I am 'cold', 'robotic', and 'detached', whereas she is full of  passion (i.e.: screaming at loved ones over nothing). There have even been a couple of occasions where I finally snapped at her, giving her back as good as I got. Afterwards I apologized, feeling ashamed, as I'm sure most people would. Her response: there was nothing to apologize for; my reactions were 'true expressions'. She was in awe of me!  When she said that, I felt a chill throughout my body. Only gradually over the years have I learned that most people see nothing odd in my emotional expression, but for a long time I internalized her criticisms.

It's as though they need you to share their emotional dysregulation so that theirs is normal. Having emotional dysregulation, they are both bored and confused by emotional regulation. There could also be aspects of control to it, but there are other ways to control people.

[11JB68]

Yes.  I get this from updh. He gets ANGRY if I don't match his indignation.

[11JB68]

imo some of this may be projection (or a failed attempt), some may be a need for agreement due to low self esteem... and some is likely the concept that they have no boundaries and do not see us as separate humans but rather an extension of them.

[Prototypian]

I find that for.my spouse who I am fairly sure is uOCPD, that the anger and desire to have someone respond at a certain level is almost always directed at what she feels is fair.  Fairness reigns supreme in her brain and anytime there is a disparity in rules application, service, sports, or otherwise she gets angry and does not like it when others don't share her beliefs.

I live in a town with many many people who ride bicycles which is good.  I express frustration when a cyclist is on a 40 mph road and doesn't yield to traffick backed up behind them.   Now I will not yell at them, be rude, run them off the road or even bring this up and I do respect their right to cycle and be on the road.   When I ride my bike if I sense there is a backup behind me I'll move over and let traffic pass.  My spouse at one point on the way home from church was so violently angry at me because I said "I think they should let cars go past and I hate when cyclists back up traffic" that I got out of the car and walked home.   She was shaking she was so mad at me.   Not about there argument, there wasn't one.  I understand the rules, I won't yell at someone or run them off the road or even care.   I just expressed that I think they should let cars pass.   My spouse was violently angry because "they are legally allowed to ride on the road and it doesn't matter how fast they are going".  But she wasn't angry at me about the behavior, she was mad, and it was severely angry with yelling and waving her hands and shaking, that I thought that.  It wasn't fair and the laws said one thing is allowed and I was disagreeing with the letter of the law.   This was like an offense against some higher power to her of fairness and legal protections.   I can't really describe it.  It's like saying "I believe that such and such team would have won the world series of baseball if it wasn't for that bad call on a strikeout" and having the there person get explosively angry at you for having that opinion because "the game was won fairly and that team lost".  The opinion is what they are angry about.