some things for which u received blame, SGs?

[Jolie40]

PD parent blamed me for all the pain I caused while in the womb
said I was leaning on her back

as a teen, I was blamed for causing PD parent's high blood pressure

we went to family counseling when I was a preteen or teen
the counselor said I was the SG
parents were blaming me for all their problems
not my fault they had another unplanned baby

[Hilltop]

Yep some of the blame you get as the SG is simply astounding.  In my teenager years I was blamed for my father being unhappy or angry.  He would give me the silent treatment for months on end and that is not an exaggeration and I was to blame for him being upset. It was not that he was stressed at work or having a mid life crisis, nope it was my attitude apparently.  It was never explained what my attitude was, it was just me.

When my parents were arguing my father once said to me "If we divorce it will be all your fault".  They didn't divorce but any emotion in the family was put on me.  Even if it wasn't my actual emotion, if it was someone else's emotion it was put on to me.  I was to blame for them having that emotion.  I would sit there and wonder sometimes what I had done as I couldn't think of a thing I had recently done to be blamed.  I would ask my mother and she would simply say, its your attitude and when I would say I didn't understand she also wouldn't explain.  How could she, it wasn't true, it wasn't what was actually happening.  How could they explain that they couldn't deal with their problems or emotions so they needed to offload them onto me. I see it all a lot more clearly now.

My MIL blamed me for my FIL's heart attack.  I married her son and there was stress and when he had his heart attack (he survived it was really minor) she actually to my face blamed me for it as she said I was causing him stress.  No it wasn't the diet he had eaten for the past 40 years, or hereditary health issues or age or his obesity or his diabetes, nope it was that I had been in his life for 2 years.  It also wasn't the stress she was causing with her breakdown over our marriage and that she felt she was losing her son.  It wasn't her endless fighting and crying and throwing a fit over ever single little thing.  No none of her actions mattered.  It was all me.

[Sneezy]

This is a small thing, but my mom lost her purse last week and she is blaming it on me. She keeps insisting that the last time she saw it was in my car and so it is somehow my fault that she can no longer find it. I reminded her that I handed her purse to her once we got inside her apartment so that she could get her phone, but that just makes her angry because it doesn't fit her narrative that this is somehow my fault.

Canceling her credit cards was easy enough, but now she needs a new drivers license (she doesn't drive, but uses her license as a photo ID). Mom can not find her passport, social security card, Medicare card, or any other documents that identify her. None. Zip. And this is now my fault, too. She made up an elaborate story about how she had begged me to keep track of her important papers (never happened) and so now the fact that she does not have any idea where any of her identifying documents are is all my fault. Oh, and it's up to me to fix it, too. And when I express the slightest bit of exasperation that she is blaming me for all this, she starts crying because I don't support her.

My mom expects attention and admiration at all times, while never taking an ounce of responsibility for anything. It's mind-boggling.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I tanked my parents' finances many many times. From the time I was a small child. Gold digger from toddlerhood. I had medical needs sometimes. And dad had an eating out habit to support. Which he generously took me to dinner too sometimes. And I went to Catholic school, only sometimes paid for by my grandparents. Therefore they were entitled to help themselves to my personal bank account. It was also my fault when I grew up and took their name off my bank accounts. Not fair because my wedding came completely out of the blue with a two-year engagement, and they had to keep up with the IL's contributions to the wedding and how on earth were they going to do that without my money I ask you.

It's also my fault my little sister grew up entitled because I was so nice to her when I was a teenager. So I have to be her unlimited supply of cash and prizes forever.

I could go on.

[JustKathy]

OMG, I was blamed for literally everything. The very first thing I remember being blamed for was ruining my mother's career (and hence, her life). When I was just a toddler she kept pointing to a photo on the wall of her as a high school student posing in a ballet tutu. She told me she had been recruited by the Royal Ballet in London but then she got pregnant with me and I ruined her dreams. Years later I learned that she had stopped dancing many years before she got married and was working as a secretary when she got pregnant with me. When I saw the film "Black Swan" I was stunned to see that same thing play out with the narc mother.

And Jolie, like you, I was blamed for a painful childbirth. I was her firstborn, so of course it hurt. My GC brother, the third born, "came out so nicely," but I caused her pain on my first day of life and was reminded of that well into adulthood.

[Jolie40]

thanks for sharing everyone!

sorry for all the blame you received
it's hard to get the blame out of our heads
we didn't receive much positivity to block out the negativity

[Jolie40]

And Jolie, like you, I was blamed for a painful childbirth.

it's ridiculous, isn't it!
are we supposed to feel guilty for being born?

[Jolie40]

Gold digger from toddlerhood.

I would lol this statement except it's not funny ....at....all
what is wrong with our parents!

[Jolie40]

This is a small thing, but my mom lost her purse last week and she is blaming it on me. She keeps insisting that the last time she saw it was in my car and so it is somehow my fault that she can no longer find it. I reminded her that I handed her purse to her once we got inside her apartment so that she could get her phone, but that just makes her angry because it doesn't fit her narrative that this is somehow my fault.

good grief
everything is our fault & nothing is ever their fault and/or responsibility!

[Jolie40]

In my teenager years I was blamed for my father being unhappy or angry.  He would give me the silent treatment for months on end and that is not an exaggeration and I was to blame for him being upset.

My MIL blamed me for my FIL's heart attack.

so wrong on so many levels!
sorry your teen years were made worse by your father

oh yes, mayoclinic lists "hilltop" as a cause of heart attacks
just like my name is linked to cause of high BP

[JustKathy]

And Jolie, like you, I was blamed for a painful childbirth.

it's ridiculous, isn't it!
are we supposed to feel guilty for being born?

I think the short answer to that is .... YES!

[donutmoonpanda]

This one might be hard to follow but it's crazy absurd:

NPD Dad refused to get our dogs spayed and neutered. One day when he was the only person at home, Dad left one of the males out with the female dog while she was in heat. He did it on purpose because he always said he wondered "what their breeds mixed together would look like."

This resulted in a litter of 6. Two puppies died in the birth canal because the female was far too small for this crossbreeding "experiment". She almost died of sepsis. Dad insisted this was my fault.

The whole time the female dog was pregnant, Dad said he had friends who wanted puppies. Once the 4 healthy puppies were weaned, nobody wanted a puppy. Again this was MY fault somehow.

We kept all four dogs and they grew up to be pretty aggressive, like the father pup, and left alone too often to their own devices. Two of the males fought often. My parents did nothing at all to intervene and eventually, the worst-case scenario played out. I came home from high school one day and one of my dogs was laying out in the yard dying because the other dog/his brother mauled him to death. I watched him take his last breath.

Dad came home early from "work" to bury the dog and he screamed at me. It was all my fault. "See what happens! You wanted all these dogs!" I didn't want any dog. None of these pets were mine. They were his and he never really cared for them in any way. In a rare moment, I told him, "Don't yell it me, my dog just died!" And he backed off.

Really he was just mad that we'd called him away from his mistress to bury the dog. He was with her every night, didn't come home until around midnight most of the time, left before sun-up in the morning to go see her too. Honestly, this may have been the only weekday that he was ever in our home while the sun was still up. Oh yeah, and En-mom thinks I somehow ruined their marriage, so...

[Jolie40]

 donutmoonpanda

that is a very, very sad story re dogs

hope that didn't stop you from having a pet in your life

[Adria]

My father got in an accident on his moped. Died three times, but miracuously surived and is still alive and well today.  I had been NC for ten years. When I went to the hospital, my mother blamed me for the accident. I was nowhere around.
I was always to blame when my sisters got in any kind of trouble. It was always Adria's fault. I was even blamed for my youngest sister's asthma. 

[Cat of the Canals]

PDmom liked to say that my mouth cost more than her car. I did have a genuine dental emergency once, but the extensive orthodontics that came later were HER idea. After all, her little doll had to look perfect. When I told my husband about the car remark a few months ago, he said, "How is it your fault she chose to drive a crappy car?" 

She also once flew into a rage about a dent she found on a pair of antique lamps in her living room. She started interrogating my brother and I, demanding to know WHO DID IT. We had literally no idea what she was talking about. We were probably 16 and 18 at the time, wayyyyyy beyond the age of "rough housing." I finally said, "Look, there's a chance we did dent the lamp, but if so, it was probably like ten years ago, and I genuinely have no memory of it." This, of course, was not an acceptable explanation. She was just so certain we'd dented her precious lamp the week before and tried to hide it.

Fast forward 20 years, and my dad is telling a story about how he was buying this vintage lamp, and the seller told him it was actually part of a pair but the other one was damaged, and my dad said, "I don't care, I'll buy them both!"

ME: Wait. Are you talking about the lamps in your living room?
HIM: Yeah.
ME: And one of the lamps had a little dent on it when you bought it?
HIM: Yeah. Why?
ME, glaring at PDmom: Because mom totally flipped out on us when we were in high school, accusing us of damaging the lamp!

So not only was the lamp damaged before we were even born, but my dad has a collection of life stories that he tells over and over and over again. It's a joke between my brother and I. Which five stories are we going to get this time? And his specialty happens to be stories relating to how/where/when/why he acquired some specific possession (like the lamp). So my mom has definitely heard this story before, which means she had to know the lamp was already dented for as long as they've owned it.

[Liketheducks]

I was a GC, now SG......Mom always said I was a product of a date rape.   She married my father because she was a pregnant teen.   That pregnancy prevented her from attending a prestigious art school.   She stayed with my abusive father because of me.   Because "I asked her to".....never did.   I was glad when they separated.   
I was the reason why they had two more children.   I was to blame when they left me places, forgetting to pick me up as a child.     
I'm now the reason why my mother had a heart attack.....and that I'm "supposed" to fix that.   What, the 50+ years of chain smoking???   or the relationship that I've erected boundaries around.

[Amadahy]

When I saw the subject line, I was like, "What was I NOT blamed for?"  I'm sorry to see I wasn't alone.

Yes, as a fetus I was trouble, causing a horrible pregnancy, labor and delivery and subsequent mental breakdown of my Nmom.  I experienced blame for every thing, so much so that even when I had a happy event or success, I felt guilty and ashamed right away because I knew I didn't deserve happiness or success.  This is something I am actively working on eliminating.

I usually just took Nmom's sh*t, but once, when she blamed me for sis' failing marriage, I gave her the gospel:  "If you hadn't been so horrible to her, she would never have married X to get away from you!" That struck a chord and she immediately went quiet. 

The amount of pain and hurt they project onto us is really horrifying. I am equally amazed and proud that my own children don't seem to feel guilt-laden or ashamed of happiness, success, or fun.  It really has been a sight to behold and I want to be that way! Actually, it has been their carefree and easy-going natures that alerted me to my own wounding. Shame is a heavy burden that I was only able to define after seeing what the lack of it looked like. 

[sunshine702]

 :stars:That I bit my mothers nipple while breast feeding.  And that i looked at her and knew. 

I am an infant. How did I KNOw

[donutmoonpanda]

donutmoonpanda

that is a very, very sad story re dogs

hope that didn't stop you from having a pet in your life

In adulthood, I had a dog who was a very good boy. When he passed, I found some cats in the garden and now they're my special girls. There's no anger, no fighting, no neglect in this home. Just peace and snugs

[sunshine702]

I notice lots of examples of putting adult emotions on to infants or even in the womb or birth.  That you caused pain and were blamed for it.  This is lunacy. 

As a fetus or infant you are the ultimate IN NEED OF LOVE AND PROTECTION. Never blame.

This shows the disordered thinking so clearly.