A luxury I can never afford- rant

[EtherOrchid]

Both of my parents were toxic. I cut ties with Narc mom ten years ago. She was the helpless waif type who refused to take care of me as a child, but thinks I will support her 100% now as an adult. Until recently, I thought my father was a normal person, although clearly a deadbeat. He left days after I was born. Paid child support when he felt like it. Ten years after abandoning me, he started his new perfect family.  I always understood he had to see me as a out of control brat because that would justify his actions, why he had to keep his distance from me.  But for the past few years, I thought we were in a good enough place. I ignored obvious signs on narcissism. Like how whenever Dad spoke about my maternal grandpa, he'd start of praising him, but throw in a few lines about how Grandpa was a heavy drinker, got a DWI etc. My dad just can't stand anyone getting praise but him. He also starts arguments about nothing, playing devil's advocate with anyone who has hurt me in my life. Last year, I had enough and cut ties with him too.  What kills me is that I don't think most people ever notice his garbage behavior at all. He always seems to have zillions of friends. Everyone thinks he's this super fantastic guy because he smiles and laughs all the time.

Meanwhile, I had exactly one friend that was really just an internet pen pal. We had been writing to each other for years and now she's gone silent. It's impossible for me to make real life friends even without pandemic. I don't have kids. I'm not married. And people get really creeped out if you aren't on speaking terms with your family. You only get ONE MOTHER etc. Everyone assumes I'm the bad guy. Even therapists will tell me I'm the problem and I should try just talking to my abusers.  I flat out refuse to pay someone money to echo all the negative thoughts in my head.

Some people can get through to the other side of a miserable childhood and have a normal adult life. In my case, trauma just made me so unrelatable that now friendship is a luxury I can never afford. I am trying to accept the fact that this is just the way it is for me and it isn't that bad. Society tells us being alone is the worst thing ever. But I am no longer trapped in an abusive codependent situation.  I am no longer giving people power over me.  I think eventually I will get used to no longer having anyone to talk to but myself. Silence is better than being told I'm horrible all the time.

[Breadroll]

Internet hug to you EtherOrchid. You deserved better, and adults failed you.
I found «  Crappy childhood fairy «  videos helpful- she talks about cptsd caused by childhood trauma and how to deal with it

[pianissimo]

I think that, in abusive environments, we are made ashamed of feeling lonely. It's imposed on us that it's our fault that we have no friends. But, I think loneliness points to something beautiful in us. That, we are human, there is nothing wrong with us. We are like everybody else. What I like about this type of loneliness is that, it's not about being around people. You might feel lonely in the family, at school, around people who show some degree of friendship. The beauty of this type of loneliness is, you aren't feeling lonely because you can't stand being alone, you are feeling lonely because you are craving connection. It's an empathetic loneliness: "I know you are there but I also sense you aren't there". I must add that, abusive people use this as a weapon against you. They might point the lack of friendship in your life. But, bear in mind, this is their way of telling you "Hey, you need me, please be around me, because I can't stand being on my own."

[EtherOrchid]

@Breadroll- I found her channel and watched about ten videos so far.

@Pianissimo- I was definitely shamed for being friendless or only having one best friend. My mother's favorite insult was to scream, "I don't know why Rebekah is friends with you! You don't deserve any friends at all!" And when she was trying to be charming, her great selling point was that she was the only one who would ever understand and appreciate me. 

[1footouttadefog]

I hope that you will stay in this forum and read the stories here and interact.  The toolbox is a great place to wander around in and learn skills and tools for dealing with people.

Over time I have learned alot here and am able to avoid difficult people and find myself having more time for positive relationships and interactions.

Prior to disconnecting my outside life from my spouse, he poisoned most of our connections.  This left me in a pretty lonely place.  I was rebuilding when covid came along. 

It's hard to feel isolated and lonely.  I hope you find a way through it to being in a heopier place.  There should be no guilt or stigma in not being in touch with toxic family members. 

I ha e siblings that decided to sort of disconnect with the rest of family.  We have limited but pleasant contact.  I no longer feel hurt, they just choose the hang with others instead.  We should all accept such choices because family members are not automatically entitled to each other's time and such, especially when all are adults. 

I never encourage people to entirely disconnect from family but instead encourage them to find a safe type and level of interaction.  With some this will be no contact at all. 

I found that for me it helped to just get out into my community and chat with and meet folks with similar interests.  Today I was at a local farmers market.  I also participate in meetup.com hobby related outings and have met great folks that way.  I now have some weekend camping trips and hobby related classes and such lined up for this summer with some women I have known a couple years now and we have online meetings each week. 

I hope you find a way forward and that you find your chosen tribe.

[mary_poppins]

There's nothing wrong with being alone. It's society that decided that people who're living alone and have no friends are weird, wacko, etc. But that's false and unhealthy thinking.
Look at those monks in Tibet or other holy country who live alone and never have relationships. They've chosen the path of self-realization.
Ramana Maharshi, one of my favourite spiritual teachers never had relationships, he was too busy teaching people enlightenment. He was one of the most englighted person I've ever heard of. He also didn't have a career and a lot of money. No material possessions, either. He'd live in modest huts and a simple, white monk-like clothing around his body, that's it.

Bottom line is, you don't need people to find happiness, self-realization and fulfillment. Those things are already within you-they've always been there but trauma made it impossible for them to resurface.

Also, those therapists who advise you to re-connect with your abusers are unsafe. Stay away if you can. They are invalidating your abuse experiences. It's hard for me to comprehend how in the world some therapists earn their living without knowing basic things about personality disordered individuals (who create so much abuse and trauma in the world).

Hugs.