Anyone with bpd in therapy?

[Nohigherjoy]

I'm coming out of denial -I'm  in the middle of reading "Stop Caretaking..." book and I've wept and wept at the realization and also affirmation that I'm not crazy. I was married 22 years to another bpd before this, but they are really so different that I isn't recognize - i was fooled by my current husband's tender heart (apparently mainly for himself) and quiet personality. We dated long distance one year before marriage and I honestly saw very few signs. Ugh. He moved 14 hours from his family to marry me and I've been giving him benefit of doubt due to stress of him moving far from his family, leaving his 30 year job, etc into a very stressful situation where I have 4 kids. It is  so hard because I love him. My prerequisite for marriage was that we stay in marital counseling from the get-go. We've been in counseling for literally five years with no movement. I've been so blind thinking a lot of this is my fault, situational stress.  or that he needs to change. I'm beginning to realize that I need to change and set some strong boundaries. We had a huge blowup recently and I have begun to set those boundaries in place. I've also told him that I can no longer go to marital counseling or be in the car with him alone. Hence, he's on a current road trip to his daughters wedding 14 hours away- completely alone because I refused to go with him.

Up until this point, he's taken some responsibility for his critical nature, but he never changes. He only says "I know I can be critical and hard on you." He's almost 60 years old. He says he's committed to continue to see a therapist... He has an appointment next week. What is the true reality that a borderline can actually get better with therapy? Can they really become more aware? Its a mental illness, I know, so how in the world will therapy even help? I've been in therapy for myself for the last year and plan to continue to go, but now my focus will be a lot different since I'm coming out of denial... I thought I needed marital help. Ha! Now I see that's not the case. I need help and support if I'm going to stay. That's a big question- to stay or go. It's not so simple, is it? Finances and children. And I truly love this man when he's normal- he can be a joy and loving. It's the bad times and anticipation of the next blowup. It's so toxic. Anyway, just wondering if anyone has a bpd that truly seeks help and improves at all. The reality of having an aging man that I may have to physically care for in the next 10-15 years is also discouraging.

[square]

This is my opinion only. I have seen reference to therapists saying BPD can be improved with help. In my opinion, the improvements therapists see (sometimes) are reduction or cessation of self harm and/or hospitalizations. I don't think a lot of them are terribly aware of the interpersonal destruction BPDs cause - all they see is the patient in front of them (the BPD) having fewer crises involving the hospital.

Also my opinion: I don't think there's any successful therapy that takes five years before any improvement is seen.

[notrightinthehead]

You have come to an important point in your journey of healing. You have realized that you need to change yourself. You have realized that you need help and support for yourself.  Now go back to the Toolbox. Read, study, and implement!
Only speaking from my own experience- once I started to medium chill, non Jade, grey rock, and put boundaries in, my home life became calmer, I felt more in control, and I protected my children better.  It takes time to change long term habits, so be patient and kind with yourself!