Do you ever daydream of their funeral?

[sunshine702]

I have found myself thinking about my parents funeral for a decade now.

I really don't have much to say in the fantasy because of what she would want said does no line up with how I felt, i just sit there in my black funeral dress.

I let GC speak.  I now see this as a mental protect for the hurt.  That it will be over some day.  I really don't want them to die of course and there are no health concerns but this daydream has been persistant.

Any of you too?

[mary_poppins]

I fantasize about being NC and hearing of a parent's death and me not attending the funeral. Yes, I think about it, I don't dream about it but it has crossed my mind so many times.

[Boat Babe]

Can't say I daydream about mum's funeral, but when she does go, it will be a ridiculously small affair as she has no friends.

Her will stipulates that she be cremated and I will absolutely comply with this but won't organise a funeral for  just me and my son to attend. That would be so difficult. I will scatter her ashes where she has asked and say my goodbyes then . But no funeral.

[SunnyMeadow]

I used to daydream of her passing quite often. I mean, a lot and I even wondered if this was turning into a problem for me! It was pretty constant.

Well, then it happened. She died last Sunday. There wasn't a funeral. Like Boat Babe's mom, mine had no friends and no family talked to her anymore. She is being cremated with no services.

It's interesting that you think of yourself just sitting at her funeral with nothing to say. Very telling of what kind of relationship you have. Sad how these people ruin relationships.

[Jolie40]

enabler died in 2020
due to covid, it was also online
we didn't attend in-person & watched online

don't think PD's funeral will be online
I've been debating & debating what to do

maybe we'll go a little late & stand in back of church
then we'll leave a little early so we don't have to interact with any relatives/friends

[Boat Babe]

enabler died in 2020
due to covid, it was also online
we didn't attend in-person & watched online

don't think PD's funeral will be online
I've been debating & debating what to do

maybe we'll go a little late & stand in back of church
then we'll leave a little early so we don't have to interact with any relatives/friends

Do what works best for you, without FOG. Hugs.

[p123]

I worry about it.....

1) Whether, for some reason, I wont even know about the funeral. Brother would do that.
2) Brother is going to kick off at the funeral (he has past with this!)
3) I'm not going to be sad at all - in my mind Dad died 10 years ago all thats left now is a nasty man that I'm obliged to speak to.

[feralcat]

OMG, yes !
I remember, when I first came ( was forced out of ) the FOG, googling something like "will it be easier when my mother dies ?" And feeling paranoid, as if I could be tracked down for typing something so heinous. 6 years ago. There wasn't much on the net around that then. There is now !

Ps I do realise that her dying (still going strong at 86, I think she may outlive me) won't end the toxicity. Funnily I was talking to H last night . His M is horrible -  he's one of the 'she can't help it' school.
I said that's it's almost fascinating how , already, selected siblings in both families are already taking on the roles of fixer/ enabler/enmeshers . The new spiders in the middle of the web. Even before the old , and suddenly waify,, lionesses have died.

Anyway..the funeral. Yes, I've already decided that I will resist any attempts to join in the family organisations. I will find an excuse to arrive late, not stay the night etc.
Unfortunately women no longer wear veils or I would do so.
Until recently we were expected to wear masks due to Covid. That's stopped. So I can't even hide my (lack of suitable) emotion behind one of those.

And yes, I do daydream about it. It will herald the beginning of a new chapter.

[Liketheducks]

Oh yes.   Me too.    This started for me when I was a child.   I used to fantasize that both parents passed in a car crash and that my grandmother had to become my guardian.   My grandmother was my safe place.   

It was such a prevailing fantasy, that I wrote about it in my diary.     Didn't know that mom had been reading that.   It caused quite a drama when she did.   

Now, I'm not so sure that I would go to their funeral at all.   In many ways, I've already mourned the loss of the parents I needed and deserved.     I'm not sure what I will feel when it actually happens.    I think when it does, it won't be much different than now.   

[Sneezy]

I am concerned about it, as I know that many people think my mom is a sweet little old religious lady, and they will expect me to grieve.  I think I will be sad in some ways, as it will be the end of an era and I will officially be part of the oldest generation alive on my side of the family.  So it will be bittersweet as I acknowledge time moving on.  But it was also be an immense relief, and I know you all know what I mean.

[Amadahy]

Sis (GC) will be heartbroken when Nmom passes, so I will organize one hour of public visitation for her and then a small graveside service for immediate family only. If it were just me, I'd schedule no services and plan a quiet retreat time to process my emotions and take care of myself in whatever way I need. I may do the latter anyway, after the fact, because I can see myself needing it.  The person I know myself to be is warm, caring, and compassionate and to feel so little of these (if any) will be something I need to visit and resolve if I can. Nobody knows how hard I tried with her; family and neighbors will assume I'm devastated and that's ok with me. What a sad, sad, sad waste of what could have been.  I do mourn that, mightily. 

[sandpiper]

I don't think about their funerals but I do often think how much easier life would be after the abuser has died. I know from past experience that life is easier without them and the difficult part is how guilty you feel for those feelings of relief and being released from a terrible burden. uBPD MIL died at the start of the pandemic (not from Covid) so there was no funeral & it came down to the three relatives in our state emptying her ashes out on the breeze. I think all of her extended family breathed a huge sigh of relief that they didn't have to be here to pretend, for that. I felt a huge sense of relief at the passing of both my parents and I think a big part of that is that their distortions of reality die with them. Anyone who is left behind who shares their illusions is annoying but my experience is that those flying monkeys can be set aside, whereas the smear campaigns of an abusive parent go into the casket with them. It's a huge release. And yes, I'm watching the next generation of dysfunction unfold, but from a safe emotional distance.  Nobody is missing MIL and life is easier without the predictable dramas she'd create at various times of year. Occasionally when we drive past their old home I feel sad because of the life we could have all had if she had not been so damaged and damaging. I have asked DH how he feels about that now she's been gone for 2 years and if he ever misses her and he snorted and said 'Are you kidding?' This, from her Golden Child. It's sad, the legacy that they leave behind in people's minds. I think it's normal to know that on some level, when they die, they will take much of the trouble they've created with them. While they are alive, no matter where they are, life always feels like somewhere in the background, there's a landmine that could go off at any moment. For myself, it's like those landmines get defused when they're gone. Life has felt safer. I still have one relative walking the earth who has run a massive smear campaign against me rather than acknowledge the abuse that we both experienced and now that he is old and there is really no point in hoping that he will ever step up and be honest, it does feel like his distortions are a roadblock in my path, despite all the work I've done to process that. I used to hope that one day he'd go to therapy and recover but these days I'm resigned that this will never happen & I know that the lies will die when he does, and that's the only relief that I can anticipate. It's hard when they silence you with their lies. When they are no longer walking the earth to lie and to distort reality, it's easier. It's like you've been let out of BS jail because the people who built the prison of their lies is gone and it falls apart without them to keep those walls in place. Sad, but true.

[NarcKiddo]

I never daydream about the funeral but I cannot wait for it to happen. I sought some counselling a few years ago because I was worried that the death may cause me to have a huge meltdown or problem with grief or something. It seems so inappropriate to want the relief of not having to deal with my uNPD mother any more. The therapist and I eventually arrived at the conclusion that I probably will be OK and any negative reactions will be offset by the long term relief. Of course I can't know until it actually happens. But when I was asked to imagine it happening the whole thing turned out to be an anti-climax. The moment I had waited for was just flat. A fact. She'd gone.

I think it's interesting that your fantasy does not involve you saying anything. In a fantasy we are free to say what we like, even dance on the grave, so the fact that you have no reaction may perhaps mean that you have reached some sort of equilibrium, or at least a coping mechanism for whatever they have done to you. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I am concerned about it, as I know that many people think my mom is a sweet little old religious lady, and they will expect me to grieve.  I think I will be sad in some ways, as it will be the end of an era and I will officially be part of the oldest generation alive on my side of the family.  So it will be bittersweet as I acknowledge time moving on.  But it was also be an immense relief, and I know you all know what I mean.

I'm in the "concern" camp as well. PDmom has a LOT of "friends" and I imagine I'm going to have to listen to a LOT of sugarcoated nonsense about what a saint she was. And I worry my brother will fall straight back into the FOG. He has a tendency to want to see the past with rose-colored glasses, and I'd be surprised if he didn't do that with my parents after they pass.

[Pepin]

Yes.  I have.  And I've even written in my mind an obit.  But, really, I wish someone would see the dysfunction of NF and support me instead.  No one has....because they are either fooled or scared.

As for DPD CN MIL who just passed, I also wished that DH would have called her out.  But he didn't. He might later on after he has had adequate time away from her.  I never wished for her to die; I just wanted her to understand that her behavior was horrible and that she could learn and do better.  If anything, I just wanted to be free of her but that would have meant losing my husband...because he was so manipulated by her.

[JustKathy]

Can't say I daydream about mum's funeral, but when she does go, it will be a ridiculously small affair as she has no friends.

That's exactly what happened with both of my parents. I'm sure my Nmother envisioned something out of a movie, with mourners passing by her coffin and crying uncontrollably. In the end, she had no one except my enabling father and enmeshed GC sister. She ended up being cremated without a funeral. I imagine the two of them held some kind of ceremony before scattering her, and that was the extent of it. When my father passed away last year, there was also no funeral. He actually had friends who would have attended but I think GC sis probably found it easier to do a quick cremation and pocket any money that would have been set aside for funeral expenses.

Narcs think they're adored by the world, but in the end, they really have no one. There may not be a funeral at all.

[Pepin]

Can't say I daydream about mum's funeral, but when she does go, it will be a ridiculously small affair as she has no friends.

Actually, the funeral for DPD CN MIL was small and short.  I am sure that she was hoping for something huge which is what FIL got...