Some symptoms lifted

[Pepin]

I know it kind of stings that one of my abusers has died (DPD CN MIL) - while the other one is still alive even though I am NC (NF) with them.  In essence it feels like I am free but technically I am not.  The after effects of DPD CN MIL's departure have been eye opening to say the least.  Prior to her passing I was in full on pelvic pain on a daily basis.  I was also clenching my teeth around the clock and especially in my sleep - which was causing me massive morning headaches.  And many other things are still going on but seeming like they are getting better? 

It has been a relief that both of those issues are now resolved.    I can now get in and out of my car with ease.  I can put on my socks and shoes.  I can get up out of a chair without pain.  I can sleep at night without waking up sore or with a headache.  This has dramatically altered my daily habits and mood.

However, I still have DPD CN MIL on my mind daily as I continue to work through the distasteful memories of her.  It is going to be a while before I can feel safe and clear of her baggage.  I am still processing everything that happened and why it happened - and even more - I am trying to understand my past responses with the information I had then vs. what I know now.  I am trying to repair my damaged younger adult self so that I can move forward with more strength. 

There is a lot of living left to do and a lot of lost time to make up for.  I refuse to be held down ever again the way DPD CN MIL did to me by any other person.  I am hoping she was an anomaly considering her age in relation to mine and her relationship to me.  No one is ever going to treat me poorly again the way she did to me.  And no one is ever going to treat my adult children that way either the way I was treated.  My younger adult and current self has no familial elders that would have my back.  I will be there for my children and I hope TDG that they never have an awful MIL like I did - or any other nasty inlaws.  No PD can hide from me now.  I refuse to be quiet ever again about PDs regardless of how we know each other.  And my kids learned a hell of a lot even though they never should have had to. 

Adios to DPD CN MIL and hello to what lies ahead!        

[moglow]

I'm glad things are lifting for you! The body does indeed tell the tale, and it takes time to work through it. It helped/helps me to journal, stream of consciousness stuff to just get it out so I can put it down even for a while. I read back over it later and been jarred by some of what comes out when I'm not really thinking about it!

[Hilltop]

I'm glad you are feeling better.  It's good to check in with the body every now and again, it really does let you know how your emotional self is going.  I am thinking of you this Easter and I am hoping you have a nice holiday.  The start of many relaxing holidays to come.

[GentleSoul]

Glad to hear your physical issues are resolving.  I relate to this very much.

[Pepin]

Thanks for all the replies and yes - I knew that my major ailments really were the result of being triggered regularly.  It didn't matter how much work I did on myself and a thorn is always going to be a thorn no matter how small or how many layers are wrapped around it - in fact, if DH had been able to see things from my POV then likely all these symptoms would have gone away. 

It hurt and still hurts to remind myself that he clearly was caught in DPD CN MIL's web and not the man I initially married because otherwise I would have RUN.     It took me many years to understand that he was also being abused and its just that I couldn't see it because I thought he was being treated better.  He's been abused from the time before he was born as I now understand it so I have to take it easy with him but it is still no excuse as to why he couldn't side with me as his wife.    And I hate to say it but he's got stuff going on, too and I bet everything I have that his symptoms will also start lifting.  We've both become emotional eaters but his is off the charts compared to mine.  He was such a healthy and fit man when I met him and that was the only time he was separated from DPD CN MIL in his life for a span of 10ish years. 

We've both suffered so much despite that what he was dealing with seemed better than mine.  We didn't deserve to have our bodies be punished for the abuse we had to deal with.  Here's to better health.