Dealing with reduced contact

[pianissimo]

So, lately, I have realized that the family dysfunction, and how deeply it affects me are beyond my control. In the past, I think that I was trying to manage the situation by setting boundaries etc. But, whatever emotional abuse there is finds a way to me. I have come to the decision that there is not much I can do to eliminate it from my life. I have also realized that I need the emotional abuse to be zero. I suffer from its consequences. I can't take it. I don't want to take it. But, I also realize that I can't reduce contact with my family any further than its current level. I think that any further step would prompt an action from my father, and, I don't have the energy or the support system to deal with that. So, I will have to maintain some degree of relationship with parents. The thing is, I will probably have to deal with the same b.s. anyways. There will be fights around "Why are you like this, why are you like that?"...  When I think of the situation, I wish we had the technology to build robotic clones, so that I could send one of mine to home for holiday visits. I think my parents would truly bond with the robot version of me. I just wondered if there is anybody who wanted to fund a project like this?  Joking aside, those who are in this kind of situation, how are you dealing with it? How are you feeling in the process? Do you have any coping strategies?

[square]

I'm sorry, I don't have any strategies, but my H has been talking about sending a clone to visit his mother for 20 years now.

[pianissimo]

I just want to add what bothers me when I visit parents is not mundane talks. It's the interrogative questions posed as mundane talks, or mundane talks to make way to interrogative questions. It's possible the joke doesn't work my way, but I entertained the idea anyways.

[square]

I understand. My H didn't want a clone because he was bored, either. He wanted one to take his mother's demands, interrogations, etc.

[pianissimo]

Thanks for your comments Square. I think that I will claim this thread as a space to process emotions that I experience during my visit. In that state, I will possibly entertain many other ideas like clone robots.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi pianissimo. I think I understand too... I've been privy to many complaints about my disordered grandparents by my disordered parents that said the same thing. They don't actually want US, they don't care about US, they care about having what they perceive as their due from their Son, meaning holiday visits, weekly phone calls, cards to display, check the boxes. Give them their validation to keep them placated until the next time. They saw the reality but kept dutifully doing it and taught us kids to also go through the motions. And then expected exactly the same sort of tribute when they became the grandparents. They weren't the interrogating type, though, that sounds really really stressful.

I think in your situation though, grey rock is kind of like a robotic response. Imagine being a chatbot. You only have so many responses. "That's nice." "That's too bad." "There isn't anything to tell." "I see." "Hm. (Silence...)" You know, the toolbox responses. No matter what you say to it, even the most sophisticated chatbot will not connect on a human level or go outside of its preprogrammed subject area. You can protect yourself through that emotional disengagement, but even the stress of doing so will take its toll, especially at first. Change is difficult, even good change.

The fights around, "Why are you like this?" strikes me as scapegoating, setting you up to take blame and carry their bad feelings for them. I think grey rock could work very well for you here. However, there are many who have reported the PD escalating abuse in response to grey rock in the beginning. You are rocking the boat! You taking on all the abuse has worked for them and changing the status quo will invite a response.

So, I don't say this to discourage you at all, but it's still going to be difficult. I'm sorry. Only you can do your risk/benefit analysis for the various strategies to come up with the best level of contact and strategies for taking good care of yourself in the aftermath.

Writing through your feelings here through this upcoming round is a good idea I think. It's been so helpful to me personally, even just recording what was said for future reference. Amazing how fast the abuse amnesia sets in.

[pianissimo]

Well, I don't mind if the joke is in PD territory. I guess I share a sense of humour with them. To me, the need to distance oneself from the PD image seems like a PDed way of thinking, I think it's motivated by shame. Also, I think the negative attitude towards the joke's is motivated by projection. Another PD trait. It's egocentric too, because PDed people around you guys seem to make that joke. PDed people around me don't know about the joke. And finally, it's black and white thinking.

I think how it goes will depend on how I'm doing at the time. Sometimes, I just feel too tired to deal with anything related to parents. Writing here definitely helps.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I don't understand. Are you saying your fantasy of creating a robot clone to take the heat of the interactions with your parents is itself disordered? If so I disagree!

My disordered parents never said exactly the thing about creating a clone, but they did have awareness that their parents never cared about them for themselves. They did not display awareness that they were repeating the same injury to the next generation... But in any case they weren't wrong for noticing about their parents. What's important is what you do with that knowledge. They chose to just accept that as normal, you are trying to find a better way.

[feralcat]

I also wish I could present a clone instead of myself. Because that clone wouldn't have my conditioning/ baggage.
Eeven a cardboard cutout would do. As that isn't possible, unfortunately, I like the idea of treating any contact as a chance to "observe, not absorb" as people here say. Once you begin to detach it's difficult to engage as they'd like anyway, IMHO.
Woman Interupted used to say that they start to see us as malfunctioning appliances. Which is a humorous way of putting it, but so very apt. So they try to fix you by keep pushing your trigger buttons.

So, my suggestion  is to play the PD Bingo. Tick off the ,oh so very predictable , behaviours and utterances. Smile inside when you win a point.