I just messaged her and told her a few things I'd been wanting to for years

[Lilyloo]

Oh wow!!  I seem to be here a lot lately.  If not in laws, my dear N mother.  I hadn't heard from her.  She always makes it a huge deal to tell me "stay in touch"  Let's just say its a guilt thing.  I told her it seems she only messages if she wants to update me on herself.  Then the reply. Shes had so many doctor appointments, shes had to drive herself, boo hoo, on and on. She has many things to do. She just feels awful, not good at all she says. Shes just not good. I know this game all to well. It's a jab at me because I refuse to drive to the many apps she sets up. Heck I have no idea what they are. I took her weeks ago for that darned shot in her back. Cortisone, steroids, I don't know??  Years of this and at 85 I think its time to stop. Told her I'd take her to that app only. As I said here before and got some backlash, my brother can and should help drive her.  Why not! Isn't he born from her too.

I told her I refuse to feel guilt anymore. I said brother can drive too. I said my life is full,  I'm driving teen grand kids to sports, to summer jobs soon. Plus hubby and I have some huge things going on too,  I told her there's the wednesday bus that takes people to appointments. I told her I'd be the stroke victim, if all this crap keeps on. Its honestly how I feel. I feel so stressed. I feel she used me my whole life.

She replied " Your brother has much going on and   I'm so sorry you feel that way. LOL LOL Plus she doesn't like the bus idea.. Of Course not!! 



She replied sorry I feel this way

I realize it wont matter whats said to her.

[Amadahy]

Whoo boy! Those guilt trips are something else.  When I finally gave Nmom no choice but public transit she carried on, too,but she got used to it.

I say enjoy DH and grands and go on. 

[moglow]

I'm sorry you feel this way. 


Right?!! "...I'm not changing anything but you just need to suck it up and be what I need!"


Honey, you can talk it all you want and she's not hearing it. She's not even listening. You just breathe and do what's best for you and your family.

[lkdrymom]

Why is the stuff your brother has going on more important than the stuff you have going on in her eyes?

[Lilyloo]

Ikdrymom,  always has been more important. I had 3 brothers. One has passed away. I heard it all my life. One excuse after another ..they are to busy. They have so much going on. I finally spoke up today.    Wasted words

[Lilyloo]

Moglow,  yep, I knew it was a waste. I snapped.  I feel good I told her. There's lots more I want to say, but what I really want is to live 7000 miles away from her instead of 7.   

[Lilyloo]

Amadahy , I told her  I was not to he guilted again.  I'm sure it went right over her head.  Such self absorbed nonsense

[Lilyloo]

And Thank you all so much. HUGS

[moglow]

Find that 7000 miles in your mind and make them your friend. Mine only lives about 2hrs away, haven't seen her in about three years or so now. The phone calls and texts were so painful and cruel I couldn't see any good to be found face to face. Add to that she showed no interest in me or my life for many years, not even enough to see where I live. Nah, I'm good here. 

[lkdrymom]

Ikdrymom,  always has been more important. I had 3 brothers. One has passed away. I heard it all my life. One excuse after another ..they are to busy. They have so much going on. I finally spoke up today.    Wasted words

Not exactly wasted words. Maybe wasted on her but I bet it made you feel good saying it.

[Hilltop]

Why is the stuff your brother has going on more important than the stuff you have going on in her eyes?

This is what I was thinking.  I would let the guilt go.  If she can understand that your brother has stuff going on and is busy than she can understand the same for you.

You don't need to convince her or have her agree, you simply need to state your boundary and she can make of it what she wants.  Do what you can and let the rest go.  As you say she can get your brother to help or take public transport or a taxi/uber.  She has options.

[Lilyloo]

moglow,  I am so glad to hear you've kept NC. So she didn't even care where you moved to? How horrible!!  That is not a mom!!  Mine isn't or ever was a mom.  I have very limited contact.  I admire all of you who go NC.  I'm just sick of the excuses for my brothers. Its so clear that I do not fit in the same category as they do. My brother sure does call me if there's a health issue with mom.  He ignores me if I mention giving her a ride.  Thank you again for helping me

[Lilyloo]

Hilltop, I think yesterday was the closest  I've came to setting a boundary. I just was not taking it anymore.  Her sorry you feel that way comment about brother said it all!!  Thank you for helping me

[Lilyloo]

ikdrymom, Yes it felt like a freedom for me.  I had years ago told her my brothers were going to help also. She said yes they will, but it never happened. I took  the excuses far to long. Thank you for helping me

[nanotech]

Take care. Keep saying a firm no. You're not being treated well at all by your mother, or your brothers.
When it's like this, we have to be our own best friends, or rather, be our own family to ourselves.
Xx

[Lilyloo]

Thanks nanotech,,  so true we must be family to ourselves.  I appreciate your good advice

[bee well]

What Moglow writes is so relevant.

"Find that 7000 miles in your mind and make them your friend. "

That is exactly it. We have the right to find that mental space and not only make it our own, but to enjoy it! With no FOG. Just to exist in peace. Whether in no contact or otherwise...

[Lilyloo]

bee well,   for sure,  time to find that peace. Thank you

[p123]

Why is the stuff your brother has going on more important than the stuff you have going on in her eyes?

I get that too. Dad worked in a factory all his life, brother works as a welder. I'm different - I work in IT in an office (or home).

I remember once "Can you take me xyz tomorrow?" "No Dad I'm working too short notice - what about brother?"
"WEll he can't can he hes working, you're just at home!!!" Jeez.

[p123]

Oh wow!!  I seem to be here a lot lately.  If not in laws, my dear N mother.  I hadn't heard from her.  She always makes it a huge deal to tell me "stay in touch"  Let's just say its a guilt thing.  I told her it seems she only messages if she wants to update me on herself.  Then the reply. Shes had so many doctor appointments, shes had to drive herself, boo hoo, on and on. She has many things to do. She just feels awful, not good at all she says. Shes just not good. I know this game all to well. It's a jab at me because I refuse to drive to the many apps she sets up. Heck I have no idea what they are. I took her weeks ago for that darned shot in her back. Cortisone, steroids, I don't know??  Years of this and at 85 I think its time to stop. Told her I'd take her to that app only. As I said here before and got some backlash, my brother can and should help drive her.  Why not! Isn't he born from her too.

I told her I refuse to feel guilt anymore. I said brother can drive too. I said my life is full,  I'm driving teen grand kids to sports, to summer jobs soon. Plus hubby and I have some huge things going on too,  I told her there's the wednesday bus that takes people to appointments. I told her I'd be the stroke victim, if all this crap keeps on. Its honestly how I feel. I feel so stressed. I feel she used me my whole life.

She replied " Your brother has much going on and   I'm so sorry you feel that way. LOL LOL Plus she doesn't like the bus idea.. Of Course not!! 



She replied sorry I feel this way

I realize it wont matter whats said to her.

Oh the old transport thing. Jeez yet.

Dad wanted me to drive an hour from work to pick him up, to drive 20 mins to hospital, wait drive him home. Nope.
Sorted patient transport. Tried it - no takes too long (they pick others up). Ummm got a job to go to have you????
Right then Dad get a cab/taxi £10 it'll cost. Nope not paying that.

Well...... In the end he conned his cousin into it and he takes him now..... Taking the P or what?