Helping a parent in a narcissitic relationship

[Hzs00]

Hello,
I am in a strange situation. My step mom is a narcissist that likes to abuse my dad. She always bosses him around and talks down to him whenever he speaks his mind. When I come and sit with them, I feel like I have to act and can't be myself. She always ignores me as well and never makes eye contact with me. I used to be in denial about the situation thinking she was an introvert saying that's just that way she is due to the Arabic cultural barrier. However, over time noticing how my dad has become it confirms that there is something wrong. When I talk to him about how I feel he gets defensive and says that I'm the only one with this view and defends her. He sometimes seems scatter brained or drone like and sometimes mumbles things to me when I walk by. It's almost zombie like and it hurts me seeing him like this. I want him to realize how toxic the relationship is. What can I do to help him or open his eyes to the situation?

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm not sure you can open his eyes to the situation. I have a step-dad who was in the same boat. My mother was very mean to him, put-downs, yelling and insults right to his face. When he would give it back to her and get angry, it made for a very uncomfortable visit. Many people witnessed it and couldn't believe they each wanted to stay with the other. But they did!

I had to keep in mind that my step-dad is a grown man. He could leave if he wanted to but he never did. He talked about it from time to time but never did anything about it. My husband pointed out to me many times that he is making the choice to stay with her, so don't make any big effort to talk him out of it. He will leave if he really wants to.

In my opinion, if he's defending her... I'd back off and let him be. Don't jeopardize your relationship with him over this.

[bloomie]

Hi Hzs00. Welcome to Out of the FOG! I am glad you reached out and shared a bit of the uncomfortable dynamic in your dad/step mom's relationship.

Have you thought about trying to do something with your dad one-on-one? Like go out to an event or museum or park or coffee shop and just visit with him alone? It might give you a better idea of your dad's state of mind. Some of the behaviors you are observing with him could be due to a health issue or illness?

If you do not believe you father is at risk it seems he has made his decision to live this way and we have to respect the choices of others. The part we can control, change, is ours. Finding other ways to see your dad that takes you both out of an atmosphere in his home that is uncomfortable for you may be the best way to still stay connected to him and avoid the rest.

Keep sharing and reading here as you process all of this and find good strategies going forward. The drop down menus above are a great place to begin to figure out ways to cope. Again, we welcome you!