What do you think

[Lilyloo]

Just heard from brother that mom has signed herself to a list for the nursing home.  Stepdad is there.  Now I'm just not sure what's going on. She's not ill, has a pacemaker, and aches and pains, but I think thats all. She is 85. Stepdad 94. .  We set her up in a comfortable home last summer. We bought her all she needed. Brother told me she picked out caskets.  She's saying the workers love her at the NH., and they are short in help and she feeds stepdad and helps them.  None of it makes sense to me.  I always heard that they don't like her there.  I'm trying to get more info on this.  My brother babies mom and he believes anything she says.  It seems odd to me.  I had told her a few things that bothered me a few days ago  I wasn't nasty, just to the point. That's when she said " I'm sorry you feel that way"  I read that is a comment Ns use very often.   This was evidently planned before I confronted her,  but could be
trying to guilt me.   So confused

[Andeza]

I don't know. Sounds like a giant pity party expressly to make you feel bad and get back in line. But I'm cynical like that.

[FromTheSwamp]

I don't think you should worry about the why of this - she's an adult, and if this is what she decides, and the nursing home is willing to take her on, then that's up to them.  All you need to worry about is what, if anything, you are willing to do to help if this plan goes further.  And right now, there's nothing to do, because (assuming it's a real plan and not just a guilt trip), she's not been accepted there yet.  If it is a guilt trip, there's even less for you to do, since your only job is to ignore it. 

It's hard work, but I really do my best these days to not respond to things that aren't happening yet.  If she tries to pull you into the decision making process, I'd be more wary of it being a guilt trip rather than an actual plan.  And at that point I'd respond along the lines of "Ok, mom, that's a big decision.  Let me know what you decide."

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think

Nursing homes might look like massive supply factories to elderly N's when their children start malfunctioning. Who knows. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I can see how you might be peeved after all the work you did less than a year ago to get her in a good living situation. But that's a sunk cost, as they say. Frequently the work we do for N's disappears into the bottomless pit of need and we are left feeling once again as if nothing we do is ever enough. Which is the truth of the matter. It's her life, her decision. But she can also make the change without your involvement, if that's what she wants. I suggest you are busy doing something you enjoy!

[Lilyloo]

Call Me Cordelia, FromTheSwamp, and Andeza, Thank YOU!! You've set me straight and I'm grateful  Everything you say is spot on.  When this Spring snow melts, I'm going outside and plant flowers.  In honor that I am enough, and always have been.  Thank you for the positive caring advice! 

I saw the quote below.  YEP!!

"Your manipulative mother may present herself as a caring mother, wife, and community member who takes care of everyone but is actually always about herself. She may intentionally use manipulation to make you feel guilty for not fulfilling her needs"



  I am very angry how shes doing my step brother and his wife.  His wife for years  drove my mother to doctor appointments. She drove stepdad too. She went every Sunday to check on them. She then took stepdad into her home. mom was not able anymore to take care of him. His son wasn't ready to put him in a NH just yet. It was sad for him. 

Mom went around town bashing them. She said they weren't treating him well, stealing her money.  Not true at all.  Her treatment of them has been awful.  They know what she says. People tell them.   These are good people!  Stepdad is at the NH now as he got worse and needs round the clock care.

I am now convinced that shes entering the NH because she wants control of stepdad, and wants to keep my step brother and his wife from ever visiting again. That's the hate she has for them.  I am 100% sure now after I thought about it.  She has bashed them to me each time I drive her anywhere.  Plus my stepdad has been under her control forever.  CONTROL is all mom knows.

Let the NH have her. Pity them, they are in for a bumpy ride 

[moglow]

Sometimes our best bet is to simply step away. Don't volunteer opinions or your help, don't ask questions, just steer clear of the whole thing. When you show no interest it may be she drops and moves on to her next idea anyway. Unless/until she tells you or asks questions/makes requests of you, it's not your stuff. She signs herself up and makes financial arrangements? Fine. Do that and may she have joy of it. Not. Your. Stuff.

[Cat of the Canals]

Totally agree with what's been said above. Especially resisting the urge to volunteer, offer help, or make it your business in any way.

At best, it's for real, and your mother can go get lots of supply from everyone at the nursing home, and you'll be off the hook for rides to appointments, etc.

At worst, this is a sort of indirect hoover. "Oh I'm so old and frail and no one will take care of me I guess I'll have to go to the nursing home!"

[Lilyloo]

Wonderful advice. Thanks everyone. I am stepping away. If brother calls acting all sad for her,  I'm telling him it's her choice and I'm out.  He even said I may need to help pay for her NH. LOL!!!

[SunnyMeadow]

He even said I may need to help pay for her NH. LOL!!! 

Well sure....he can say it all he wants but it doesn't work that way!   


Cat of the Canals wrote

At best, it's for real, and your mother can go get lots of supply from everyone at the nursing home, and you'll be off the hook for rides to appointments, etc.

100% YES.  This could be a great thing for everyone.

[moglow]

Y'all scrambled just last year to move her now she's *wanting* to go to nursing home? That's not how that works. What she wants and what's actually available are in all likelihood nowhere near the same thing. Somebody has to pay for all that! Saying "You may need to help pay for ..." sounds hopeful in his head but you can't get blood from a turnip. Me? I don't have it to give, can't create it out of thin air and for damn sure can't get another job to pay for what mommie dearest wants.

[Lilyloo]

Sunny, Thanks! Yes I hope it stops the ride situation. I don't know how that works. Does the NH provide rides to doctors?  Shes not speaking to me (peace for a change)    I am not paying a cent!

moglow Thanks! True, Not how it works!  I wont pay a cent.