Disliking my physical appearance (due to abuse)

[mary_poppins]

Hi guys. I was wondering if any of you had this issue that they dislike some physical traits they have or a part of their body-and the reason may be due to abuse. For example, I have an issue with my face and I know it's 100% due to my abusive parents. When I was little, I went out to play and practiced my gymanstic moves on a horizontal bar in the yard. (I was getting gymanstics lessons)

Of course, I fell and my parents didn't notice. When I fell, my forehead took a hit, as a result I was left with two large bumps on my forehead. I still have them to this day and although they're not as big as they were, they're unappealing to me.

I also think I hit my nose during the fall because my nose is a bit crooked. Not sure about it but I hate my nose as well. I always wanted to get a nosejob to straighten it and make it look nice. Then, my teeth. NM ignored my dental health as a child, as a result all my teeth have issues (cavities, some of them are crooked, etc). I don;t have any other problem with my body-only these issues.

Now I need to save money and fix the issues I was left with as a kid because NPs were incredibly neglecting of my health and well-being. I am sure that if I had parents who paid more attention to me and my health, I wouldn't dislike my physical appearance so much now.
I really hate fixing the problems that both my PD parents left me with-and they're not just physical but emotional, too. It feels as if I am so behind those people who had a good start in life. They don't focus on fixing themselves and their traumas, but on their future and goals.

Anyone else is dealing with these issues?

[JustKeepTrying]

I am dealing with this now but for other reasons.

As a child, my narc sis and brother made frequent nasty comments about my body.  I was not an attractive child with buck teeth and greasy hair.  But looking back on photos, I was a beautiful young adult woman - quite the ugly duckling into swan thing.  But I met my husband early in life and soon that was squashed into no money for nice clothes and no time given to even put on makeup or do my hair.  Looking back, I am appalled at how pretty I was and ugly I felt.

I struggle daily with this and have only recently come to the realization that I am attaching my self-worth to the outside affirmation of a man.  That I am only beautiful if a man admires me in a sexual way.  How sick is that?  But I am a product of another era and it is not healthy.

I am working on it.  I have daily affirmations printed and hanging everywhere.  I am working on talking to myself in the mirror and really addressing that scared and anxious little girl that still lives there.  It feels weird and strange but I do it anyway.

I hope you consider therapy.  Find a good therapist who can guide you through these decisions.  So you can figure out what you want and why you want it.

[Amadahy]

I look like my N mother and I hate that. 

I think because of this, I really can't see myself.  Sounds crazy, but I can't tell any difference when I'm fat or thin, when I'm made up or not, etc.  I assume people do not remember meeting me if we've met before.  It sounds foolish, even to me, but it's like I'm invisible or outside myself, somehow. 

I'm sorry you've experienced this neglect, mary.  Survival is hard work and it would be nice to use all that energy toward growth and more satisfying things.   

[moglow]

I look like my N mother and I hate that. 

Same. If I could afford plastic surgery, I'd do it. I've pretty much accepted that it is what it is, BUT I can still change other things about me that tend to remind me of her. I've always said I'm the dark side of the coin [as far as coloring - hair, eyes etc] but in truth that's not the case at all. I'm the BRIGHT side of that coin and I'm trying to refocus my efforts to the positives - making my life and those around me better where possible.

Mary_p,  maybe we have to first start with the positives about ourselves and set aside their thoughts, condemnations, insults etc. Look for and at the GOOD first and branch out from there. I'm no fluffy fairy by any means, but until we see ourselves differently, we won't BE different no matter what we look like.

[Pepin]

I am the female version of NF more or less and I also have body issues similar to him.  I'd love to get my nose redone but I'm scared of surgery and could only do it if medically necessary or coupled with something else medically necessary. 

Aside from that, motherhood wasn't that kind to me - particularly my top half.  I feel badly about that, embarrassed really.

I also am gutted over the fact that DH was/is into porn, strip clubs and hired escorts -- him thinking that I don't know about it.  While I know that him doing these things has nothing to do with me, it is still incredibly demoralizing and I feel that sometimes it is a jab at my body or appearance.  But yes, I know it isn't about me...it is about his mother (when she was alive) and the enmeshment she demanded from him.  Him dabbling in those non marriage worthy things are really an act of rebellion and I'm of course the target instead of her because she can do no wrong obviously in his eyes. 

So no.  I don't like my body.  But, I do remind myself that I have a body and that calms me down when I'm having a bad day about my body.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I have a lot of scarring from the physical abuse I endured in my first PD marriage. Most of it is not very visible, but some of it is on my face and neck. I don't think the scars are as visible to others as they are to me, but I hate how my face is different now. I had some teeth broken/ knocked out, my jaw broken twice and a lot of tissue damage, consequently my face is less symmetrical and my teeth don't look as nice as they used to. I can't stand having my picture taken. Age is only making the damage more apparent. I really don't mind the scars where the skin was broken and / or stitched. I think the scar above my eye and a few others on my chin, jawline and neck could qualify as kind of cool, or even badass, especially since they don't show much, except up close.
I hate my smile though, which is devastating. I used to love my smile. It was a great feature and I thought it made me more beautiful. Now, when I smile, my face pulls and distorts, one side of my mouth goes up and the other stays down and you can see different patches of lumpiness and slackness beneath the skin on the lower half of my face. 
I know I'm not an unattractive woman, even with my scarred face, but it bothers me having to wear it so visibly.
I don't like talking about it.
I don't like being asked about it.

I am surprisingly okay meeting new people who have never seen my "before" face, but seeing myself in pictures, or running into someone who knew me back then (and seeing their reaction) is sometimes extremely difficult for me.
One day I hope to afford better dental work so my teeth won't be so noticeably off center. That will help a little.
I'm not vain enough to consider further surgery or getting fillers so I definitely have to work on aging into my face with a better sense of humor and more appreciation for its additional uniqueness!

[mustard_seed]

mary_poppins, my heart hurts for what you went through as a child and I can relate to so much of what you and others say here.

I also suffered from neglect re: health care as a child and young adult. At 33, I am still working to heal from some of the issues this has caused for me. I know what you mean about feeling so behind other people in life, who have energy and capacity for their goals because their basic needs were met much earlier in life. When I think about this too much, I can get very angry, sad, and hopeless.

I was also criticized for my appearance by everyone in my FOO while growing up. They made fun of my weight, my hair, and my facial features. This continued into more recent years, with my mother pointing out my "flaws" into my 30s. I've spent a good portion of my energy trying to make myself look "perfect" and above criticism, sadly (including disordered eating off and on). But I've struggled to really accept my physical appearance.

This all took a pretty dark turn as I started detaching from my FOO; at the height of it, I could barely even look at myself in the mirror. That part has gotten better with time, with healing, and with exposure therapy (mirrors, photos, etc.) and self-love/inner child work (you know, kind letters written from my own "inner parent," that sort of thing). But it is really tough and I am sad you have to go through something similar.

It has been empowering for me, too, to give myself the access to health care that I didn't have when I was younger. I did have orthodontia as a teenager, but it was not 100% effective, (my parents chose the cheapest option), and my teeth quickly moved back after treatment. I asked my UPDmother to take me back and have it corrected, but she stopped helping with any health-related expenses as soon as I left for college. I am currently going through a 2nd round of ortho, with a doctor I chose. It's for aesthetic *and* health reasons, as I was starting to have trouble with TMJ due to my poor bite. I would encourage you to seek healing in the ways that feel true for you. I like to think of is as re-parenting myself, with the "parents" I truly deserved. <3 sending good thoughts to you. 

[1footouttadefog]

  I can relate to having pd behaviour or comments influencing your feelings about your self and your appearance.

I was bullied by my narc older siblings then also at school.  Jr. High was especially bad.  There was a sick social thing at my school and many of the teachers were involved.  It was horrible and impacted my acceptance of who I am.

When my kids came along I knew from the moment their first teeth cut the gums they were going to have braces.  I saved so they could no matter what.  I taught them how to dress well, dress classy and rise above any would be bullies.  No one taught me such things.

I have a pretty close friend who was very attractive as a youth and is still good looking, but her dental health got out of hand while in a lengthy abusive marriage wherein everytime she got money for dental work the scocoliopath H would quit working or wreck the car etc.  She ended up loosing a whole bunch of front teeth.  It devestated her.  She eventually found her way to partial plates and has had her appearance restored to an extent.

I know two people who had nose jobs.  It was important to them and they thought it was worthwhile in the end.  It's a deeply personal decision to be sure, and not an easy one. 

I hope all find the best way forward with these feelings and decisions. 

[BeautifulCrazy]

My heart really goes out to those who received negative messages about their appearance in childhood.

At my job, I see the devastating impact of these internalized concepts in children and adults alike.

I believe it is an especially heinous thing when parents do that to children. Children are so vulnerable because they look to their parents to know who they are, and where and how they fit in. I also think the entire world loses something when a child grows up thinking they are unworthy of love because they are not attractive enough, or believing the lie that they are actually unattractive. The potential of so many remains trapped inside, or their true beauty hidden away because of these false beliefs or needless fears. 
It is probably more an exception than a rule, that people get past that kind of damage when it happens in childhood. 

I relate to this, mary_poppins when you say,

I really hate fixing the problems that both my PD parents left me with-and they're not just physical but emotional, too. It feels as if I am so behind those people who had a good start in life. They don't focus on fixing themselves and their traumas, but on their future and goals.

For me it wasn't parental issues, but my marriage. But I still feel the same "behindness". While my peers were getting invisalign and and corrective surgeries for various things, I was moving in reverse. I don't know what feelings get you most, but for me it is anger and sadness over the unfairness of it. I'm not sure I will ever be able to pay for what it would take to even make a small improvement. This stuff wasn't even my fault. Someone I trusted, who should have been seeking the best for me, did this to me. I don't know how to explain it, even saying it to myself, it sounds like whining and self pity, and I can't say for certain... maybe some of it is?
But it hurts.
When I look in the mirror. When I see photos. When I see how some people look at me kind of sadly.

I have a pretty close friend who was very attractive as a youth and is still good looking, but her dental health got out of hand while in a lengthy abusive marriage wherein everytime she got money for dental work the scocoliopath H would quit working or wreck the car etc....
  It devestated her. She eventually found her way to partial plates and has had her appearance restored to an extent.

That was pretty close what happened to me. I don't know, even now, that I will ever be able to afford to get any of the damage fixed.

Someone wrote this last week on the job board where I work:

Imagine if we obsessed about the things we love about ourselves...

I hold all of you who have issues about your appearance, tenderly, in my heart.
I pray you find healing enough to love all of your beautiful self.

[Boat Babe]

My teeth are pretty wretched due to inadequate education and supervision of dental hygiene as a child. By the time I took charge of things, the damage was done and it's been damage control ever since. Shame, because I smile quite a lot these days!

And to everyone feeling bad about their physical body, their mind, their personality etc because of abuse, here's a massive hug. You are BEAUTIFUL.

[pianissimo]

I had deviated septum, but not severe . My mother pointed my nose at me whenever she gave me a bath (so, was I that young?). She would tell me I take after my paternal grandmother, whom she hated. I had the deviated septum or whatever removed after graduating from university. Weirdly, my mother was all against the idea, while my father (who wasn't abusive that way) was totally on board with it.

I think dental health is not about looking good, it's about being healthy. I would prioritize that over the nose. It doesn't have too look good, it just needs to be healthy.

[1footouttadefog]

Wow after reading this I came across a TED talk about "owning your face".   The take away was that when the speaker took charge of the decisions about his face and what would be done to it is when he owned it.  An amazing talk. 

[notrightinthehead]

Great recommendation 1foot! Great talk.
My mother repeatedly told me that I was not pretty. I believed her. She also broke my nose in one of her beatings. It was a bit skew after that. I hated my nose for years.  I hated my face with my big skew nose most of my earlier years.  I broke my nose in an accident a second time years later and it is even more skew now.
When I began to accept myself and came Out of the FOG I started to like my face, imperfect as it is. It is a choice, just as he says in the talk.

[mustard_seed]

Wow after reading this I came across a TED talk about "owning your face".   The take away was that when the speaker took charge of the decisions about his face and what would be done to it is when he owned it.  An amazing talk.

This was really *beautiful* to watch- thank you for sharing it.

[mary_poppins]

Thanks, everyone for the replies, you are so empathetic and kind.
I simply forgot about this thread. I don't hate my face so much since I've posted this but I want to grow to love it. I was even a model for a very brief time and still didn't believe I was beautiful. I guess it's just trauma and that FOG from abuse.
Thx for the Ted talk recommendation, 1foot. I'm gonna check it out.

[1footouttadefog]

What amazed me is that the man in the talk has two leg protheses and as he says you don't find yourself thinking about them much compared to his face.

It's amazing how our brains are wired.  Since posting here last my daughter's were discussing a video or article about a study where people looked at their faces in low light and how such a high percentage had hallucinations or worse experiences.    The mind is a mysterious thing.