Why does my Mom act like she's my sister?

[donutmoonpanda]

I'd like to know if anyone else experiences this with their PD parent. I haven't read much about this "phenomenon."

My en-mom has always acted like she's my older sister. Old enough to have some authority over me, but without the supreme authority of a parent. When I was a kid she positioned herself this way because NPD dad was in charge of everything. Anything I wanted, I had to ask him. He made all the decisions in the household. She was also jealous of the attention that my dad gave to me, so pretending to be one of the kids she could imagine she was also "daddy's little girl." Ew, I know.

I don't mean she was acting like a teenager or something. She was perfectionistic, stern, cold, and ignoring. But she acted like she was just another one of my dad's kids. He was in charge of all of us. She took orders from him, just like the kids. And she had to ask him for permission or money, just like the kids. Other people noticed this and made comments to me throughout my life about how weird it is that my mom acts like she's NPD dad's daughter.

This posturing also helped her shirk her responsibilities as a parent. She didn't look after her kids or teach us anything. She only looked after dad's needs. All my childhood memories are of her ironing his shirts, grocery shopping, things like that. She rarely spoke to me, let alone played with me. Anything she did for me was circumstantial -- we kids sometimes benefited from the things she did for dad. If I got in her way, while she was doing one of these chores for dad, she would freak out in a rage. Her time was only for him.

Dad cheated on her for more than a decade, but she buried her head in the sand and just acted like it had nothing to do with her. Like "after all she's just one of the kids." No matter how obvious the cheating was, she wouldn't confront him.

After my dad divorced her, mom uses this posturing as a way to say "Dad did all those bad things" and take no responsibility for the abuse. She wants me to believe she's a co-victim, when she's actually a co-abuser.

Even though she acts like my big sister, now that she's getting up in years she expects me to be a dutiful daughter to her and look after her when she's old and needy. So she never was a parent to me, I grew up in a home where there was no mother, but she wants the perks.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of behavior in a PD parent?

[donutmoonpanda]

The fact that nobody can relate to this one really makes my mom seem even more weirdo to me now 

[Liketheducks]

In a way, I can relate to this.   My father was abusive....so my mother demurred to him in everything to keep herself safe.   She was also just 18 when she was pregnant with me.   In many ways, I felt like the most grown person in the room with her.      AND, I look like and my voice sounds like her enough to be a twin.   I was raised to be her mini-me.    She denied the abuse.   Though, I don't judge her for that.   It is REALLY hard to step away from an abusive marriage as a teen...in the 70's.   
We were also thoroughly enmeshed.   She dressed me like her.      She didn't act like a Daddy's girl, but she was definitely jealous of my relationship with my father.
If something bad happened, like I was forgotten to be picked up from school....it was Dad's fault.    Because he was abusive, everything was his fault.   She still doesn't take any responsibility for herself.   I really think she just never developed those skills going from teen to parent.
She was also a perfectionist, still is.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this.  You're not alone. 

[Jolie40]

when my child was young, PD parent said to me "I feel younger than you are"
she was thrilled when the dentist said "you can't be older than _____"  and knocked 20 yrs off her age

she really believed she looked 20 yrs younger

she was  jealous of me when I was a teen as she was aging & getting heavy
I was skinny & she tried to fatten me up by giving me milkshakes; she hated me being thin

I don't think she acted like my sister but she certainly disliked aging
she spent a lot of money on expensive clothes, had her hair done weekly, used a lot of makeup all to look younger

[Sneezy]

I have a somewhat similar situation, although not exactly the same.  My mom (covert NPD) had several babies in her twenties.  When we all hit puberty, she was in her early to mid thirties.  At that point, she became a rebellious teenager herself.  Got a part-time job (many women didn't work back then), went out to bars with her friends, snuck cigarettes, bleached her hair, etc.  I think she was trying to get a taste of the independence that she never had.  I mean, she got married in her teens, went right from her parents' home into being a wife and mother.  Anyway, in her thirties, she went from being enmeshed to being absent.  Now that she is older, she is like your mom.  She expects that I will be a dutiful daughter and do things for her, even when she is perfectly capable of doing things for herself.  It's infuriating.  She also lies and tries to make it sound like she was such an attentive mother.  She will say things like "I took you shopping all the time when you were in high school" (she didn't), so "why won't you take me to the mall?"  She has such a sense of entitlement.  Like I owe her for something.  Even though she was incredibly absent once I hit my teens.

[Cat of the Canals]

I've read many stories of this kind of dynamic with PD mothers, but my mom is an engulfing, overbearing Queen type so she was always fully in "Parent" mode. The closest I can come to something like this would be that she very overtly parentified me when it came to my relationship with my younger brother. I was constantly made to feel responsible for him and his behavior, from a very early age.

Your experience almost strikes me as the opposite. She's de-parentifying herself. You said, "She wants me to believe she's a co-victim, when she's actually a co-abuser."

I mean, that says it all, doesn't it? She wanted to always have an out. An excuse. A reason she wasn't responsible. Have you read "Understanding the Borderline Mother"? She breaks BPD into four types: Queen, Witch, Waif, Hermit. This very much sounds like Waif behavior. They are never responsible, never at fault, or if they are, they make themselves out to be so pathetic that you can't help but feel sorry for them.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, my mother was absolutely subordinate to my father in every way. A lot in your post sounded familiar to me. She too fussed over his ironing, made me be the mother to my younger siblings. Anything he did that was terrible or ridiculous, he was the "head of the household," so there was nothing to be said, we all just had to take it. And she definitely would commiserate with us kids over our co-victimization.

I thought for years and years that she was the "good parent." She was actually an N in her own right. Check out "inverted narcissism." An inverted N needs an alpha N to bow down to. When I discovered that everything about my parents' relationship made sense.

[Liketheducks]

Jolie40.....My mom did the SAME thing.   She WAS/IS beautiful for her age.   She was a beauty queen as a teen before having me.      Forever, she has been telling me about how people think she's younger than her actual age.   And, truth be told, she DOES look younger than her actual age.....but it is a constant thing.   I don't need to be the person to re-validate that she's too young to be my mother.       

[donutmoonpanda]

I mean, that says it all, doesn't it? She wanted to always have an out. An excuse. A reason she wasn't responsible. Have you read "Understanding the Borderline Mother"? She breaks BPD into four types: Queen, Witch, Waif, Hermit. This very much sounds like Waif behavior. They are never responsible, never at fault, or if they are, they make themselves out to be so pathetic that you can't help but feel sorry for them.

It's weird -- I've read about the waif on here and it does sound exactly like my mother. By the criteria for BPD just never fit. NPD sounds more accurate. So I wasn't sure if that was the right book for me. I should just read it because she's obviously a combination of so many things.

[donutmoonpanda]

I thought for years and years that she was the "good parent." She was actually an N in her own right. Check out "inverted narcissism." An inverted N needs an alpha N to bow down to. When I discovered that everything about my parents' relationship made sense.

I thought the same thing and that's what I'm coming to realize now.

[Cat of the Canals]

It's weird -- I've read about the waif on here and it does sound exactly like my mother. By the criteria for BPD just never fit. NPD sounds more accurate. So I wasn't sure if that was the right book for me. I should just read it because she's obviously a combination of so many things.

I didn't think BPD fit my mother until I read that book. I had some previous experience with a suspected BPD person, and their behavior wasn't at all like my mother's. But pure NPD didn't quite fit either. But when I read the Queen profile, I couldn't believe how accurate it was, and I've seen it described elsewhere as a cross between NPD and BPD.

[sunshine702]

I can relate but it mom was the Covert Narc but yes she acted like my sister and I got all her hand me down clothes.  Things she bought online that didn't fit I got.  I was supposed to be SO GRATEFUL if what a fine sense of fashion she has.  Sigh.