Less is more!?!

[The Butterfly Effect]

This my first post, so I'm hoping I'm posting this in the right forum.

I'm NC with my uNPD mother... (A waif - histrionic - Queen hybrid) my enmeshed flying monkey sister and my enabling father, for the past six months. Six months ago I enforced my boundaries where I will not be manipulated, gaslighted or shouted at any longer. I've been the SG all my life. I'm 49, happily married with a lifestyle my husband and I have created and worked hard for through many years of ill health and adversity.  My mother and sister are very judgemental of how people look (predominantly women) what they wear, envious on others holiday locations, homes, tangible belongings, relationships & highly jealous of attractive slim women. They catastrophize, exploit vulnerabilities and any familial drama, you will find them at the helm.

I've finally found the strength and courage to not be hoovered, manipulated, baited or smeared anymore. I'm still working on and navigating my way through but I'm at peace with my decisions.

The less contact I've had with uNPD & Co, the more I've been able to reflect on some of the regular put downs and verbal attacks I've experienced throughout my life, especially when I began to challenge them on  'their'  behaviour, aka defending myself and not being an emotional punchbag anymore. These are just some of them:

• I'm too sensitive
• I'm paranoid
• I've got an active imagination
• I need to get a life
• I'm lost
• I'm nasty
• I've got a good memory
• I'm a complicated soul
• I'm harsh
• I'm deep
• I'm a happy clappy hippy
• I should forgive and forget
• I take everything personally
• I'm in my own little world
• I'm secretive
• I'm selfish (for not having children)
• I'm too strong
• I'm unforgiving
• I remember things differently
• I can't take a joke
• I'm spoilt...

I was slut shamed as a teenager with unfounded accusations of promiscuity.  I grew up with my mother and sisters eating disorders and poor body image. My sister is a friendless high functioning alcoholic and my mother condones her drink driving and intoxicated outbursts. She is the perpetual victim and shirks any accountability or responsibility for her vitriolic words and actions along with my mother. I'm outdoorsy, have a passion for growing organic produce, love nature, water sports, camping, reading, cooking, running and hiking.  My mother and sisters hobbies include: watching reality TV programmes and soap operas, drinking wine and bitching about whoever finds themselves in their sights. They have no interests or hobbies outside their homes.

My life is full of richness and when I say richness I'm referring to my marriage, my friends, my animals, my home, my hobbies and creative past times.

Wowsers, that's quite an eye opener getting that down in black and white 

I could go on but I think that's enough for now 

Can anybody else relate to these words? Are these common behaviours? Can you add any of yours? Xx

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to a good place and are amongst people who understand here.
Sounds like you managed to make a good life for yourself. Sometimes No Contact is the only route we can take to protect ourselves and heal from the abuse we have endured from the PDs in our life. Read around on the Going no contact with a PD parent and Dealing with PD parents boards and you might find stories similar to your own. See you around on the boards!

[The Butterfly Effect]

Thank you for your reply.

I'm still navigating NC after going through VLC and Grey Rocking for the last few years. It's not easy living with the critical voice of my mother inside my head. However, I'm working on and through that the best I can.  I will take a look at the boards you've mentioned. Thanks 

[Cat of the Canals]

So many of those phrases ring a bell. My mom is a textbook BPD Queen and believes she has a right to define me, even to the extent that I have never been allowed to say I'm bad at something. As an extension of her, I must always be PERFECT at EVERYTHING. That doesn't stop her from making comments like:

"It's a good thing you're self-employed. You're unemployable!" (She usually cackles as she says this one.)
"You were a good baby, I don't know what happened."
"When did you get so ornery?"
If I don't do what she wants, she wonders if I'm "brainwashed."
If I express anger at my childhood bully, I'm "holding a grudge."
If I express anger at ALL, I'm "so filled with hate."
When I mentioned my husband and I were considering moving out of state, she implied that we were too poor and not "trendy" enough to live in that particular city.

Anyway, congrats on NC. I'm still VLC at this point but even that has been a very empowering change after a life of automatically asking "how high?" when she says, "JUMP."

[moglow]

Butterfly, mine made many of those exact comments. Any "laughter" I can remember seemed to have always been at someone's expense, although not just directed at me. Any attempt to point out how offensive her comments were or to simply object to the content, were met with full blown meltdowns where I was the worst person ever. She somehow heard me say things that I've never actually said to her or anyone else, but she convinced herself and that was that. The incessant gossip, spite and negativity drove a wedge I can't move past and I finally stopped trying.

Come hang out with us in the PD parents sections - put up your feet and pour you a glass of something!

[BeautifulCrazy]

Moglow, I think I'm going to have to start reading the PD parents sections! The posts here, or in the 'Working On Us' category, that are parent related are very eye opening and relatable. I recognize behaviors that my children still have to experience, because of their father and his family of suspected pwPDs.
Getting an idea of the effects on children gives me ideas of ways I can validate them and their reality. Also gives me things to talk about so I can try to mitigate harm. These behaviors aren't normal (or shouldn't be) and aren't nice. I don't have much interaction with their dad anymore so I don't have an ongoing awareness. This thread has reminded me of comments and ways of speaking that I would like to make sure my kids are not taking onboard. Life is difficult enough without having those kinds of scripts running in your head!

Butterfly, I recognize most of your list, and the PD way behind it.... The backhanded compliments. The reframing of strength as weakness, virtue as shortcoming. The undermining....
I am glad to hear you are living free of that now and enjoying a wonderful life of your own creation!

[The Butterfly Effect]

"You were a good baby, I don't know what happened."

If I don't do what she wants, she wonders if I'm "brainwashed."

If I express anger at my childhood bully, I'm "holding a grudge."

If I express anger at ALL, I'm "so filled with hate."

When I mentioned my husband and I were considering moving out of state, she implied that we were too poor and not "trendy" enough to live in that particular city.

Thank you for your response Cat. I too can relate to the above  My NM felt 'sorry' for a guy that stalked me in my early 20s.  I eventually got the police involved and I  was so angry and hateful with what he put me through but she completely minimised MY experience and fear (which lasted many many months) and said that I didn't truly hate him and that she never brought me up to be so mean! 

When my husband and I bought our house and we began renovating it ourselves to make it a home, she was full of snide comments: "Why don't you just get  the 'professionals' in to do it properly". "I didn't realise you were so creative.  You kept that quiet didn't you"  "Being as you are so handy with a paint brush and spade, when you're done, come and help your dear old ma and pa with some painting and gardening".   I live at least a 10 hour motorway journey away, so it's not like I'm around the corner! But she does have three other adult children in her immediate grasp but doesn't ask them. Doesn't ask because "she's the Mother" and they should read her mind and offer!!' 

Well done on the VLC! Positive steps to help preserve your health, both mental and physical. No longer 'jumping' but a meandering skip is progress 

[The Butterfly Effect]

She somehow heard me say things that I've never actually said to her or anyone else, but she convinced herself and that was that.

Come hang out with us in the PD parents sections - put up your feet and pour you a glass of something!

Thanks for your reply moglow.

I share the infuriation!  Why do they do this?!?My NM has a really unfortunate habit of putting words into my mouth. She swears that I'm  'probably thinking' whatever crap she wants to come out with and it's more often than not negative comments about anything; her, my sister, the weather, the TV programme.... Arbitrary!  I kid you not. She talks about me in third person even though I have been in the same room at the time and in her company.  Crazy making baiting behaviour. I've told her before that she doesn't have to put words into my mouth as I've a tongue, my own opinions, an extensive vocabulary and I can manage on my own   

I will brew myself a strong coffee, buckle up and pop along to the PD Parents Section. Thanks.

[The Butterfly Effect]

Getting an idea of the effects on children gives me ideas of ways I can validate them and their reality. Also gives me things to talk about so I can try to mitigate harm. These behaviors aren't normal (or shouldn't be) and aren't nice...This thread has reminded me of comments and ways of speaking that I would like to make sure my kids are not taking onboard. Life is difficult enough without having those kinds of scripts running in your head!

... backhanded compliments. The reframing of strength as weakness, virtue as shortcoming. The undermining....

Thank you for your response Beautiful Crazy.

What a credit you are to your children!  Awareness is truly critical and you're already one step ahead  I'm picturing you as a protective Lioness. But you're right, this behaviour is not 'normal'.  It's only when I started to experience other peoples households and families, was when I realised my upbringing & family unit was and is inherently dysfunctional 

Your "back handed compliments"  "the reframing of strengths..." comment hit home 

[Amy-Rose]

Hey, I wanted to answer this question but I don't know what NC means?

[Cat of the Canals]

Hey, I wanted to answer this question but I don't know what NC means?

NC=No Contact

[xredshoesx]

ty ty ty for flagging this post all-  if you ever think or read something that is off, don;t hesitate to report it.