SECRET Reason Narcissist Devalues, Discards YOU, by Sam Vaknin

[Hazy111]

Thought this maybe of interest to those in relationships with Narcs and why they discard and devalue....Its  a brief synopsis of something he put out on twitter.

Guess what it all goes back to early childhood and relationship with their mother.

The entire relationship with the narcissist is intended to recreate the dynamics of the conflict with the narcissist's mother during his formative years - but this time around with a different outcome and different power matrix: successful separation-individuation via the twin acts of devaluation and discard from an empowered position.

How does the narcissist attempt to bring these outcomes about?

In narcissistic abuse, the narcissist acts as a ventriloquist: he animates the internal object that represents the victim and misattributes to it his own voice (self-gaslighting via attribution error).

The external object (the actual partner) is erased and supplanted by an introject which acts as a self-object or object representation.

The narcissist also usurps the roles of harsh inner critic, sadistic superego, and rigid conscience in his victim.

Using entraining, the narcissist takes over the victim's ego boundary functions and becomes her external locus of control. He assigns to her the roles of victim and mother in his script.

[Free2Bme]

I shuddered as I read this.  Too many memories. 

Great explanation of a very complex dynamic.

Thanks Hazy111

[Pepin]

I finally started listening to some of his podcasts and they literally have left me quivering with rage.  This is some deep sh.  Really deep.  I'm looking forward to more of his work and I appreciate the depth of his conversations.  While it is helpful however to understand the whole backstory on the narcissists in our lives, I'm still struggling with how to respond.  I was more or less silenced about DPD CN MIL and could have no healthy communication with DH about it - because he was absolutely manipulated by her.  He's been her puppet from day one.  It's shocking really.  And I know he totally believes she behaved with good intentions!  Her inner child was completely damaged and she operated exactly like a toddler.  There was nothing adult about her.  The parentification of DH and the attempted spousifcation (before I stopped it) was mind boggling.  DH was the parent she never had and she created him from scratch rather than being the parent she needed her inner child to have.  It is just mind f.  If only I could get my DH to listen to Sam Vaknin...though it might break my husband and everything he subscribes to...

[Hazy111]

Pepin, hes done quite a lot on YouTube. Thats where i discovered him. Hes a self professed narcissist and i think he has really researched the subject and the experts in the field. Its not surface stuff it goes to the core of PD, narcissism psychopathy etc and its origins in early childhood. Some on this site have disparaged him because of his admission.

He does provide advice on  how to deal with Narcissists in your life. Like much advice on here. Run for your lives .

[escapingman]

The stuff he is doing together with Richard Grannon are some hard things and deep. So good to watch if you manage how deep they go in their talks.

[Empie2204]

True, his study of narcissism is really deep and initiated by his inner roots.
There are times when I can listen to him, either speaking alone in lectures or workshops or interviews with Richard Grannon but sometimes it is so painful that I simply cut myself off from these or any other videos or podcasts.

As for the role of a mother in a narcissist´s life, I agree it is fatal. In my relationship with my late mil, I discovered rather quickly that it is not just a usual "annoying mil pattern".

After she died I started becoming fully aware of her role in her children's life. That´s why I am occasionally "on a diet" with watching narcissistic videos. I feel that deep digging is harmful even for common mortals, let alone the narcissist´s children. There´s too much deviation inside.