Staying "in the way"

Prototypian · April 20, 2022, 10:34:20 AM

This is a weird one and I'd say it's small but continuous. My uOCPDw has an either unconscious or conscious method of being constantly in the way.

One example is parking lots. I have a thought process to try and go the least congested route to get in or out of parking. My spouse takes the absolute most congested route to anything almost always with yelling at other people to not hit her or to speed up or other things she can't control. But I'd there are two ways to get back out of the parking lot as you back up one being left and heading straight to the exit and one being right and heading past the front door and loading area with a ton of cars and people she always picks the congested one.

Another is the kitchen. In the mornings we have teenagers and us all working to make coffee, get lunches together, make breakfast and pack things up. She seems to sense when someone is waiting for a (pick it-knife, milk, sink, Tupperware etc) and somehow park it right in front of that. And I don't know if she knows she is doing it or not but there is absolutely zero concern for the other person's time. It often feels like one of those "I have a right to be here and I will exercise it" kind of civil disobedience things. It's weird because if a kid is in the way of the sink they notice I'm behind them and say,'im almost done, here you go" or I can sense someone behind me and say, "did you need something from.the silverware drawer, here let me move".

We have an island and if someone has trash to throw away I've watched a dance go on where the kid or me is trying to beat the uocpd wife (or parent) around it to get to the trash and she somehow will move in either direction over and over blocking the route and if you ebentually say "I need to throw this away" she will say "I'm making lunches" but there is some sort of weird psychology going on to show the other people that they and their tasks are not important. It's weird because if you take her out of the mix everything goes totally smooth again.

Just something I've noticed.

SonofThunder · April 20, 2022, 11:13:26 AM

The power and control feed these PD people need.... #predation

SoT

escapingman · April 25, 2022, 01:06:49 AM

This is triggering for me to read as my STBX is exactly the same. She has no care for others would always be in the way. If I ask her tp move she just refuse by telling me I can wait. If it's the other way around she would yell at me to shift.

looloo · April 25, 2022, 10:53:28 AM

My Nmother did this (I'm sure still does) my whole life. It's infuriating! I assume whether conscious or not, it's their drive to control and dominate everything all the time. When I was a kid, if our family were out to dinner and were seated at a booth, I'd make sure to sit next to my mother because she would hog the entire area, and I was the smallest so would take up the least amount of space.

And she dominated the kitchen too. When I still used to visit, I'd have to act very nonchalantly or even sneakily if I so much as wanted a coffee mug or butter knife. She'd demand to know what I was "looking for?!?!" I was at their house because they expected me to visit, so WTH??? I'd try so hard to keep my voice calm and reply as lightheartedly as possible, "just a mug/knife." The whole time counting down to when I could get the hell out of there.

She was very overweight as well, so whenever she would obstruct anyone's ability to move around, there was this extra dimension of having to (pardon the expression, sorry if this offensive) ignore the elephant in the room. She had a very weird way of being self conscious and understandably sensitive about her weight on the one hand, and using it in an aggressive, malicious way at the same time.

escapingman · April 25, 2022, 11:18:59 AM

Quote from: looloo on April 25, 2022, 10:53:28 AM
My Nmother did this (I'm sure still does) my whole life. It's infuriating! I assume whether conscious or not, it's their drive to control and dominate everything all the time. When I was a kid, if our family were out to dinner and were seated at a booth, I'd make sure to sit next to my mother because she would hog the entire area, and I was the smallest so would take up the least amount of space.

And she dominated the kitchen too. When I still used to visit, I'd have to act very nonchalantly or even sneakily if I so much as wanted a coffee mug or butter knife. She'd demand to know what I was "looking for?!?!" I was at their house because they expected me to visit, so WTH??? I'd try so hard to keep my voice calm and reply as lightheartedly as possible, "just a mug/knife." The whole time counting down to when I could get the hell out of there.

She was very overweight as well, so whenever she would obstruct anyone's ability to move around, there was this extra dimension of having to (pardon the expression, sorry if this offensive) ignore the elephant in the room. She had a very weird way of being self conscious and understandably sensitive about her weight on the one hand, and using it in an aggressive, malicious way at the same time.

Every time I open a drawer or a cup board or anything in the kitchen I can hear this voice behind my back "What are you looking for". Freaks me out. Non of your bl***y business.

Hindsite · April 25, 2022, 07:18:20 PM

I totally get this dynamic's struggle. If I went to the kitchen to spend 10 minutes packing my lunch for work and getting a cup of water to go, PD would RUSH to the kitchen in a hurry! like she must also be in there this very minute! Stand in front of the sink, fill up one side with soapy hot water, fill up the other side with hand-washed "dirty" dishes stacked perfectly, blocking all sink access for anyone else, while keeping the dishwasher door down as if she were planning to load it. She would just stand there, taking up as much space and water resources as possible.
If she would just go sit down for 10 minutes, let me gather my lunch, she could have the entire kitchen all to herself for the next 10 hours. No, she just HAD to occupy that space to be as inconvenient as possible. If I said anything like, "excuse me, I need to use the sink for a second", she was totally histrionic about what a victim she was, then she could go on and on about how she would NEVER want get in my way. I found it easier to use use the bathroom sink when I needed to, rather than let her have the pleasure of knowing she was succeeding at being as annoying as possible.

JustKeepTrying · April 25, 2022, 07:36:05 PM

ugh. This was so annoying. When my xOCPDh began working more and more from home I could no where in the house doing the typical chores - loading the washer - I would find him look for something on the shelf and not move for a full five minutes to only walk away empty handed while I waited for a full basket - or the bathroom while putting on skin cream he would literally push me aside, check something on his face for minutes and then leave - we have other bathrooms and mirrors - then drop a passive/aggressive comment - got so bad that I stopped doing any of the that. Making dinner - alway in the way and if you ask them to move you are accused of being rude.

I don't miss it.

Prototypian · July 29, 2024, 09:24:54 PM

It's been a while. But I figured this one out a little. I'm still with an OCPD spouse and that hasn't changed. But I've watched her in the kitchen. The reason she jumps into the space I am in or am about to occupy is because she feels out of control and anxiety if I or someone else is doing something in the kitchen. The fear of something being "wrong" in her brain whether that's selecting a water glass, emptying the dishwasher, cooking or cutting up vegetables is such that she wants to intercept the person just to see what they are planning to do. It's often followed by "can I help you". Again, this solves nothing and it's very annoying and I can't even put the olive oil back in the pantry myself but that's what causes the constant feeling that wherever I go she jumps right there. It is deliberate. Even if I'm making my own lunch to take to work she has an instinct to jump into th fridge then ask "can I help you find something". She is anticipating where I am going next which is why I'm always so surprised. .

Just thought I would comment.

FiveForFighting · August 08, 2024, 09:48:52 AM

LOL. This topic is so intriguing. my uNPDw seems to do somewhat the complete opposite. Everyone and everything in our house revolves around her demands. She has never, in 26 years, come to ask me/child a question. She will yell from a room and expect you to come to her and she has expressed this a million times. "When i call you, you come" She will call for trivial things like, "please get my chap stick, can you get a tea". She will flame anyone for being "in my way". She cannot walk around anyone or anything.. this includes the 12 year old golden retriever whos just laying in the hallway leading to the kitchen. "Dont stand in the doorway, Dont stand in front of the trash can, get out of way" And these directives are delivered with the tone and body language of just, pure disgust. Just a small portion of the "Rules" that she has leveled for our household. Its truly demoralizing and our 21 year special needs daughter gets it the worse as she is unable to get away or get out.

MaxedOut · October 12, 2024, 09:32:39 PM

Interesting. With mine it is slightly different but probably same underlying stuff. She will suddenly need to go somewhere/get something that blocks whatever I'm doing. I think it is some sort of impulse. The bigger deal is if I am somewhere first or start first as she often has zero patience and no problem snapping at me to move.

I have gotten pretty hyper aware and avoidant of getting in her way (which is usually just doing what I was already doing). This shrinking and dodging is super out of character for me; I am polite and respectful but *not* deferential about space.

Breadroll · October 18, 2024, 12:29:39 AM

My ex npdh would do something similar with an extra « uno reverse » tactic. In public settings- footpaths, shopping, even conversations with friends he would orient to block me, then turn around in an exaggerated fashion and accuse me of being in the way. Awful person.

JR · October 18, 2024, 04:19:09 PM

how about going to the Grocery store Narcs refuse to give an inch in the aisles to let another person get by, they will move for me. Which usually leads to an uncomfortable Mexican standoff, and then I'll help fill in the blanks for the narc so a fight wont ensue.

Marianne · November 21, 2024, 02:56:22 PM

My dad doesn't do it with spaces.

But with time.

He brings kid to me on Sunday morning. He knows I find church important. He always comes too late to still go. Half hour past the appointment. Every. Single. Week. When I discuss it, however kindly, he gets passed off.

When he brings kid to town with the car. He easily lets me wait for half an hour. In the cold and rain. And if I tell him: please call next time? I'm being argumentative.

I want to go to friends. He disagrees. And "accidently" comes late.