the difference

[Pepin]

NF often would tell me that I am stupid, ridiculous, brain washed, influenced, passive, dumb, crazy, etc.  Of course these are words that have been difficult to overcome as I grew into an adult.  I have tried really hard to reassure myself that these words never applied to me nor will they ever apply to me. 

When I met DPD CN MIL, I was relieved not to hear these words from her.  However, in therapy for NF, I discovered that DPD CN MIL was playing a different card with me.  She didn't have to say any of those words to hurt me; she went around those words instead. 

Example:
NF: these oranges are so sweet and juicy. 
Me: I'm glad you like them.  I bought them at X.
NF: how could you be so stupid to have bought them at X, you overpaid.

DPD CN MIL: these oranges are so sweet and juicy.
Me: I'm glad you like them.  I bought them at X.
DPD CN MIL: I buy the same ones at Y where they are cheaper (with a smirk and a sigh). 

Even though I have removed NF from my life, interactions with DPD CN MIL left me feeling stupid. 

In either case, a normal person with empathy probably would have said: thank you, so good.

[Starboard Song]

Yep. Pattern recognized.

Those are great examples of it.

[escapingman]

That is spot on for my uNPDmil.

When we moved to the same town as where she lived (biggest mistake in my life by the way) I used to commute to another town. There were 3 train stations that could be used from where I lived, one had a proper garage with secure parking and only cost pence more for park and ride than the other 2 stations. uNPDmil used one of the other stations the few times she actually travelled on the train, and every time she found out I had used the station I did she had a rant about how stupid it was to use that station and that the parking was free where she travelled from. What she always left out of her rant was that unless you turned up extremely early the car park was full, and there were lots of times windows where smashed on the cars. But still, I should have used "her" train station.

[Cat of the Canals]

This is a good one and made me think of how PDmom and PDmil would respond in turn.

PDmil would make some remark about how she would never have bought the oranges because they're so expensive. She's definitely got some BPD Hermit traits and likes to think not spending money on certain things is somehow a virtue. Meanwhile she is constantly buying random crap off the Home Shopping Network and has gotten roped into multiple timeshare schemes.

Always the Queen, PDmom would comment that she never shops at that store for some inane/snobby reason.

[Pepin]

That is spot on for my uNPDmil.

What she always left out of her rant was that...

Exactly.  They intentionally leave out the "why" and as coverts they are extremely skilled at this.  In DPD CN MIL's case it was because she had a coupon for a store in her neighborhood. 

[Pepin]

That is spot on for my uNPDmil.

When we moved to the same town as where she lived (biggest mistake in my life by the way)

Yup.  Me, too.  Moved nearby.  Biggest mistake ever.  Beat myself up internally for many years over this blunder.  I moved across the country to escape NF and what did I accidentally do next?  Move close to a covert narcissist.  Walked from one trap right into another because these are two different narcissists. 

[Pepin]

This is a good one and made me think of how PDmom and PDmil would respond in turn.

PDmil would make some remark about how she would never have bought the oranges because they're so expensive. She's definitely got some BPD Hermit traits and likes to think not spending money on certain things is somehow a virtue. Meanwhile she is constantly buying random crap off the Home Shopping Network and has gotten roped into multiple timeshare schemes.

Always the Queen, PDmom would comment that she never shops at that store for some inane/snobby reason.

Yes.  DPD CN MIL would play the same game.  Claim that something was expensive and then buy up other garbage on sale that she didn't even use, eat or was a brand she shopped.  She'd proudly try and pawn it off on us when we came to visit.  She bought it for the sole reason to be able to give us something whether it was something we'd find useful or not.  It was cheap and it was her way of trying to make herself relevant.  Ugh.

NF on the other hand was a hoarder and he shopped frequently claiming to have run out of things - to make it seem like he wasn't. 

[JustKeepTrying]

Every. Single. Day.

[Pepin]

I was thinking more about the difference between these two narcissists.  I was so used to the verbal abuse from NF among other things that it was such a relief to be done with it when I met DPD CN MIL.  I thought that finally I could be around a parental figure that was "normal."  Omg.  So wrong on that.  Embarrassingly wrong on my part and I've more or else been living in a state of demoralization ever since a therapist helped draw out the truth.  I had really no idea what a good parental figure looked like - I had only bits and pieces that I had collected along the way from other family members and parents of my peers. 

Realizing that DPD CN MIL had it out for me (due to her own childhood trauma coupled with her quiet yet strong support of patriarchy) was a tremendous reality check.  Abusive and derogatory words hurt (NF); backhanded jabs via words hurts (DPD CN MIL) - and literally are just as abusive if not more abusive than being told I'm stupid. 

 

[Cat of the Canals]

and literally are just as abusive if not more abusive than being told I'm stupid. 

I've thought about this a lot. Covert abuse comes with this added layer of potential gaslighting and self-gaslighting. They make their comments and you think, "Was that as snide as it sounded? Am I just being sensitive?" If you call them on it, they play the innocent act.

It's taken me literally decades to realize that a lot of things my PDmother says to me aren't "jokes" or "teasing." She is intentionally trying to damage my self-confidence.

[Pepin]

and literally are just as abusive if not more abusive than being told I'm stupid. 

I've thought about this a lot. Covert abuse comes with this added layer of potential gaslighting and self-gaslighting. They make their comments and you think, "Was that as snide as it sounded? Am I just being sensitive?" If you call them on it, they play the innocent act.

It's taken me literally decades to realize that a lot of things my PDmother says to me aren't "jokes" or "teasing." She is intentionally trying to damage my self-confidence.

This, exactly.  I was completely unprepared on how to deal with DPD CN MIL after the previous decades of being raised by NF.  These two types of narcissist aren't even comparable as CNs are a bird of another feather as you say.  While the goal of the narcissist is to break us, the CN takes it to another level.  Death by a thousand paper cuts...  And like you, it took me a number of years before I saw what was happening - in addition to having a therapist point it out when I was there to work on NF....