MIL waifing

[bee well]

This is sort of a rant , I guess because I am doing the best I can with MIL current situation. I just need to verbalize.

I try to take things at face value until I know better but it's really hard to distinguish between MILs real health issues and waif-y exaggerations. I haven't called as much lately as I haven't been feeling well for a variety of reasons, and have decided to honor that. We cancelled another visit recently as well.

I  told her about my allergies a while back . She doesn't know the rest, thank goodness I manage to keep most things private.

Now she is talking with a whispery voice and saying she can hardly breathe. So she is going for an allergy test. It is allergy season and so it's plausible that both of us have these.  I want to be fair and avoid projecting but her "dramatic flair" makes it very difficult.

Anyway, I see in the posts here that a lot of us are experiencing the health exaggerations of aging uPD family members, and so it's also very plausible that she's heaping on the FOG too. She does a lot of talking about how bad it is to get old. I recognize it's not always easy to adjust, but at the same time I see her complaining more than she does basic self caring. (I guess the allergy test is something...)

I know it's not my place to change that and it's beyond my control.

I'm trying to remain differentiated and not to let it hijack my interactions with DH. I know it's ok for us to be happy even when she is not. Radical acceptance, and keep greyrocking, as little contact as possible, I know is the way, but it's tiring at times.

My sympathy to those of you here who deal with similar issues on the regular, and congratulations to those who remain steadfast.

[SunnyMeadow]

I had a similar issue with my mother. I told her about my autoimmune disease and it was a hot topic for quite some time. She loved medical drama. Wouldn't you know shortly after I was diagnosed, she developed the same disease. Amazing - she never saw a doctor, never took the medications but she had it AND much worse than mine!

You wrote

I know it's ok for us to be happy even when she is not

This is a really good point. I'm glad you're so wise about it. I had a hard time realizing this because I was programmed to worry only about my mother, even if I ignored my own issues.

[wisingup]

Hi bee well - yep, similar situation going on here.  My mom are LC right now, with most of our contact centered around her finances which I manage.  After texting back & forth a bit about a tax form yesterday, she texted that she had just taken a fall & said she went down pretty hard.  With anyone else, I feel like they would have added something like "I think I'm OK, but I'll let you know".  She didn't add that, she just left it hanging, waiting for me to panic & ask if she was OK, needed to go to the ER, etc.   And of course, I did panic a bit but now I recognize it as her MO that she needs to keep me upset & worried about her.

It took everything I could muster to let the message sit for about 15 minutes, thinking that if it was serious she'd add more info.  After no more info came, I texted "sorry to hear that" & left it there.  Do I want to know more about how she is?  Of course, but there is the fairly strong possibility that it was a minor incident that she's using to get my attention and pity.  Sigh.  Our relationship has become this constant push-pull where she tries to get me to parent her or serve her in various ways & I squirm out of it as best I can.  Last month's issue was she was on her last day of prescriptions & wanted me to take care of that for her, the month before that she had left her purse at her sister's house. 

[feralcat]

Ditto. I've got Long Covid. Had it since Feb 2020. When I first became ill, I told M. Response ? ' oh you'll be alright, you're young '. ( I was only 64 then). That's normal for her. If it's not about her or one of the favourites, it's nothing. Also told Sis . Not interested. Too busy, not dramatic enough.

Then 3 weeks ago, M and 3 other FOO , including Sis ,caught Omicron . I empathised with each, texting every few days to see how they were. All improved pretty quickly, luckily. I mentioned once again that I still had issues - almost experimentally, to prove nothing had changed -and because M and sis were getting OTT waify. Once again, nothing.
I decided to give myself a TO. Disengage , calm down.

Now M is texting my DS to say she's still unwell and very tired ,,,'just like Feralcat ' ( he thought that ironically funny). And Sis now wants to visit ( flying monkey + information gathering + attempt to Covid bond presumably)
Just what I need. I'm hoping she cancels, as she usually does.
Bad, isn't it, when you actually get to the point you wish they'd forget you ?

[bee well]

Hi All,

They seem to make it a competition of pain. Not very functional is it?

feral cat,

I'm sorry about your long COVID. I hope it goes away soon.

Yep, "oh your young you'll be alright..." Ugh... And yes "Bad, isn't it, when you actually get to the point you wish they'd forget you ?" That's an accurate description.

The triangulation is something going on here too. It's amazing how the empathy goes one way, or is used for info gathering.

SunnyMeadow,

Then there are the autoimmune issues. That's one of the things that a lot of us have, me included. I hope you are managing it well, it's a challenge.

Even if I know it's ok to be happy when they are not, it's not always easy to remain compassionate, and not react.

Wisingup,

Yep there's that too. The financial waifing. My MIL watches every penny in her head, does not mind her business about our financial affairs,  but cannot figure out her balance sheet. Needs DH to do that..."Our relationship has become this constant push-pull where she tries to get me to parent her or serve her in various ways & I squirm out of it as best I can"...The worry manufacturing is another common theme.

I am in an angry place today. Perhaps it would be good to channel that into healthy self interest. Time to go for a walk.

Thanks for your support. The opportunity to communicate with you all is so helpful. I appreciate it. Wishing peace to all of us.

[p123]

Hi bee well - yep, similar situation going on here.  My mom are LC right now, with most of our contact centered around her finances which I manage.  After texting back & forth a bit about a tax form yesterday, she texted that she had just taken a fall & said she went down pretty hard.  With anyone else, I feel like they would have added something like "I think I'm OK, but I'll let you know".  She didn't add that, she just left it hanging, waiting for me to panic & ask if she was OK, needed to go to the ER, etc.   And of course, I did panic a bit but now I recognize it as her MO that she needs to keep me upset & worried about her.

It took everything I could muster to let the message sit for about 15 minutes, thinking that if it was serious she'd add more info.  After no more info came, I texted "sorry to hear that" & left it there.  Do I want to know more about how she is?  Of course, but there is the fairly strong possibility that it was a minor incident that she's using to get my attention and pity.  Sigh.  Our relationship has become this constant push-pull where she tries to get me to parent her or serve her in various ways & I squirm out of it as best I can.  Last month's issue was she was on her last day of prescriptions & wanted me to take care of that for her, the month before that she had left her purse at her sister's house.

Yep I get that. A made up drama....

With my Dad I'm sure its just a "test". Its like reassurance that I'm still there and available to call on at a moments notice. It gives him a warm glow.

[p123]

This is sort of a rant , I guess because I am doing the best I can with MIL current situation. I just need to verbalize.

I try to take things at face value until I know better but it's really hard to distinguish between MILs real health issues and waif-y exaggerations. I haven't called as much lately as I haven't been feeling well for a variety of reasons, and have decided to honor that. We cancelled another visit recently as well.

I  told her about my allergies a while back . She doesn't know the rest, thank goodness I manage to keep most things private.

Now she is talking with a whispery voice and saying she can hardly breathe. So she is going for an allergy test. It is allergy season and so it's plausible that both of us have these.  I want to be fair and avoid projecting but her "dramatic flair" makes it very difficult.

Anyway, I see in the posts here that a lot of us are experiencing the health exaggerations of aging uPD family members, and so it's also very plausible that she's heaping on the FOG too. She does a lot of talking about how bad it is to get old. I recognize it's not always easy to adjust, but at the same time I see her complaining more than she does basic self caring. (I guess the allergy test is something...)

I know it's not my place to change that and it's beyond my control.

I'm trying to remain differentiated and not to let it hijack my interactions with DH. I know it's ok for us to be happy even when she is not. Radical acceptance, and keep greyrocking, as little contact as possible, I know is the way, but it's tiring at times.

My sympathy to those of you here who deal with similar issues on the regular, and congratulations to those who remain steadfast.

OMG. Me too. Dad developed hayfever (is it called that in the US? Pollen allergy) He had to have the strongest tablet available. Then he'd phone me and tell me how he can't breathe, how he can't cope with all this. And I'd think hayfever?

I get it too and yes its not nice. My teenager son gets it severely and he really is a mess. Of course, I visit Dad and its very mild. Says it all.
I use this to judge the severity of other claimed illnesses now. If a slight sniffle with hayfever is considered end of the world symptoms you can see where that leads.

Many years ago, he called me - can't breathe, chest pains. I lived closer then. Of course, I rushed over first thing "did you see the game on TV last night?" and I'm thinking "Eh wheres the emergency?". He had a slight cold and his chest was a bit sore from coughing........

[bee well]

Hi P123,

"If a slight sniffle with hayfever is considered end of the world symptoms you can see where that leads..." Exactly.

It's wise to take it day by day but I can only imagine what might happen down the road....

The symptoms seem to come and go randomly don't they?

Last year we had to go for a family visit in honor of an important occasion. Covid contagions were down but not enough to warrant a gathering in MIL's dining room. She invited invited a large group anyway. ("It's only a flu now," she says.) DH got wind of this before we got there and insisted we move the gathering elsewhere.

He got his way but not before she told us not to come, He was ruining the party, etc. She cried and read him the riot act.

When we got there she was complaining of chest pains, with that wheezy voice, pouting and saying how sick she was.

(In hindsite, I think we should have stayed home.)

At the gathering she was all smiles and we heard nothing more about her health for the rest of the visit.  (The rest of the family was there, and so she showed her good side).

No apologies for telling DH off.

The whole thing was rug swept, she presented a large gift, and received praise from all for her generosity.

For the the rest of the visit she continued her antics.

She behaves like that and at the end of it all she ends up smelling like roses.

I think she knows what she is doing because she acts differently depending on who is there to see.

The absurdity of it all is beyond me.

And to think when I fell in love with DH I had the idea that I would be there to help care for his parents in old age, and MIL would appreciate the help... How naive I was...

[p123]

Oh yes called Dad out a 1000 times when there are massive inconsistencies (lies) in his stories....
It does chance from day to day.

You mention Covid. I couldn't visit for a few months - I live 20+ miles away and they'd locked areas down. The grief I got for that. Him telling me he'd heard that "seriously ill" people were allowed visits. Yeh seriously ill.
I even emailed our local parliament member to clarify the rules (i.e. I lived outside of the area, brother lived close) and they confirmed that, sadly, these were the rules. Brother accused me of forging the email to get my own way! Funny now how mad it all was.