Fear - Not Sure of What

[JustKeepTrying]

In my journaling tonight I addressed several topics that have been percolating in the back of my mind.  I want to post them here to hold myself accountable.  To help me figure out if I am just out there - or if it's a natural progression - or just late night fear.  Although it's only 10pm.

I notice, with the help of therapists and emotional journaling and nightly checklist, that my emotions spiral down when I am rejected on dating apps.  I know logically it's not new.  So tonight I thought long and hard about what I can do to bring myself up and keep my spirits buoyed.  Putting aside the whole issue of whether or not I want to date again, this is about feeling attractive again.  I am post surgery, just beginning to walk again, given the OK to drive and now I can leave the house.  I am at my heaviest weight and other than my six weeks camping, have not really left the house.  Which I know sounds weird but I took my house with me and spent it away from people barely brushed my hair and just stuck to basics.  Now I am here for another year and looking at social interactions and thinking that I don't have to listen to my xOCPDh voice in my ear about make up, hair, time in the bathroom and spending money on clothes.  I could get a pedicure if I wanted.  Or fix my face (I would first have to buy makeup).  Or even shave my legs (he would complain all the time about the money I spent on disposable razors/year that $2 tipped our budget).  So I wonder if this isn't the time to look into some self care like new undergarments, a haircut (haven't cut my hair in three years), some lotion and general positive stuff.

Which makes me think about being afraid of going out and meeting people/being in a crowd/leaving the house.  I know part of it is pandemic but it's also just going out now on my own in a wheelchair facing strangers solely on my own.  I feel it for the first time - solely on my own.  It's weird and foreign and strange and I am scared.

Is this pandemic fear?  Post divorce fear?  Post surgery fear?  PTSD fear?  Or all of the above.

Are any of you struggling with any of this?  What do you do?  Suggestions?

[notrightinthehead]

Firstly, congratulations on even considering the dating app. You are brave!
After the final discard, I was hesitant and uncomfortable going to gatherings, this was pre-pandemic, we have markets with food and drink tents, and on one such occasion I found myself sitting all alone having my drink while everybody else seemed to belong to a crowd and enjoying themselves. I felt so isolated and ashamed as everybody could see that I have no-one! Still, I am the daughter of a soldier and I force myself to go. There were other occasions when I had people I could sit with. I still felt isolated somehow, often I could not contribute to their topics of conversation - about people I did not know, activities I had not been invited to, pet hates I did not share. I joined a few hobby clubs and still feel embarrassed how people pleasing, shy, and clumsy I must have appeared to the others. Still, I persevered and feel relatively comfortable there now.
In my case it is c-PTSD and it feels like a chain around my neck, but I refuse to be controlled by it. I go places, even when I am scared and expose myself to uncomfortable situations and sometimes I come home and feel happy and proud for having done so. I cannot compare myself to others, I try to work with the tools I have got, and most of all, I work on making the voice in my head a friendly, kind, supportive one.
Hope that helps a bit. You are strong. You have overcome so much. You can do this!

[square]

A variety of thoughts:

1) Being rejected on a dating app hurts nearly everyone and takes time to get used to. It's quite different from what we were used to decades ago - much more abrupt and cold.

2) I find that my ability to take any setbacks depends on my overall emotional health. So if I am really hit hard by a particular thing, it might not be all about that particular thing per se, but that I feel emotionally weakened overall. You have a looooot on your plate right now, and the things that are hard right now may get easier just with time.

3) I've had my anxiety spike high before where things were hard to handle. Years ago I got a prescription for clonzenapam, just one 30 day supply and that's my lifetime stash. If things are very bad I take a quarter of one and it really helps, not just that day, but it's like being out of balance and flailing but then standing up again and rebalanced, just with a tiny and infrequent dose.

4) It's hard being out there with a disability. I use a white cane. I have done dumb things in public, walked into things and stuff like that. It's hard. Chin up. It's literally the people who judge us who would have the hardest time in our positions. I've had to let go of the idea of living this socially constructed ideal life, but interestingly there is a lot more room to live a life that matters.

[GentleSoul]

Sorry  you having this going on.

I wanted to share that for quite some time after my uPD husband died, I felt fear all the time. 

I am self aware enough to know that it wasn't me myself feeling the fear.  It was my nervous system not yet recovered from all those years with late H.  So for 8 or 9 months it was still in ultra red alert as it was when he was here.

So my body and mind were still reacting as if I was in danger of narc abuse attack.  In reality other than the usual ups and downs of life, there was nothing dangerous going on.

Just a thought. All the best to you. 

[pianissimo]

Putting aside the whole issue of whether or not I want to date again, this is about feeling attractive again.

Perhaps there is a coping mechanism around feeling attractive.  Feeling like I'm doing good at work makes me feel safe, while the idea of failure scares me. This is because it wasn't safe for me to fail when I was a child. Certain things trigger me and bring these mindsets from childhood. They can feel good too. For example, when I do well at work, I shift to this mindset that feels unrealistically safe, like nobody can hurt me. I feel the joy of feeling safe, and "invincible?", but I'm actually dissociated from those feelings. By dissociation, I mean, I know the feelings are there, but I don't recognize them as my own. They are emotional reactions established in the past, and come out when triggered. Some are attached to thought patterns. I don't always realize a coping mechanism is driving me when I'm tired or stressed. Certain activities trigger those ways of thinking too. For example, my work is related to something I was told I was bad at as a child, so when I work, there is always this childish mindset that feels like it's proving something about herself when I'm doing well, and feels worthless when I struggle.

[SonofThunder]

Putting aside the whole issue of whether or not I want to date again, this is about feeling attractive again.

Perhaps there is a coping mechanism around feeling attractive.  Feeling like I'm doing good at work makes me feel safe, while the idea of failure scares me. This is because it wasn't safe for me to fail when I was a child. Certain things trigger me and bring these mindsets from childhood. They can feel good too. For example, when I do well at work, I shift to this mindset that feels unrealistically safe, like nobody can hurt me. I feel the joy of feeling safe, and "invincible?", but I'm actually dissociated from those feelings. By dissociation, I mean, I know the feelings are there, but I don't recognize them as my own. They are emotional reactions established in the past, and come out when triggered. Some are attached to thought patterns. I don't always realize a coping mechanism is driving me when I'm tired or stressed. Certain activities trigger those ways of thinking too. For example, my work is related to something I was told I was bad at as a child, so when I work, there is always this childish mindset that feels like it's proving something about herself when I'm doing well, and feels worthless when I struggle.

Pianissimo,

Your detailed description is very interesting.  I was raised by a NPDf and it was also not safe (emotionally and sometimes physically) to fail as a child. I will think about your explanation and whether i may also have a coping mechanism related to performance failure and potential dissociative tendencies as well.

SoT

[pianissimo]

Thanks a lot for the validation SonofThunder. I would be interested in your experience too.