Giving up (TW: SA, Suicide, Self-harm)

[Happiness_3]

Hello everyone. I'm quite new to this forum and this method of communication, so excuse me if I don't quite know how to begin. I've spent the last six months in a foreign country away from home and my abuser, who I believe is suffering from NPD, was my only guidance so far. It began last year in October, I was committed to a healthy partner (a busy one, sadly) and I was questioning my sexuality and my views on monoamory. I discussed them at length with my significant other, and when I met the abuser I initially believed I was just falling in love with another person at the same time. Although it was too fast-paced for me (I say so because we kissed the very first time we met and I asked him calmly not to see me again for a while so I could process it, he didn't give me any time and would have a really difficult time maintaining boundaries with me. He came over and stayed at my house all the time, even if I repeatedly asked him not to. I ended up blaming myself for opening the door to him), and I eventually lost the healthy relationship I had (I gave it up at a certain point for I started to feel quite undeserving of him). I also was financially supported by the abuser. He helped me convert currencies and stayed with me on my most difficult days.

But I knew there was a problem when our intimacy started to feel a lot like it was happening regardless of me wanting it or not. I was a virgin at the time and I kept repeatedly asking him to not cross any boundaries when we're making out, because I was mentally not ready for it. I suffer from chronic idiopathic insomnia so I was medicated one night when it happened. The next day, I asked him not to do it again and it still happened. One day I clearly informed him we must abstain no matter what, and yet he ended up doing it. A lot happened after that I do not have the heart to speak of, but I urged him to get therapy and ultimately asked him to go back home after spending over a month in my home. He left, only to return twice a week, question every friend I made, put me through hell if I tried to socialise - at the time, a friend of mine saw me break down and asked me if I was hurt. I opened up, keeping him anonymous, even went to the extent of not revealing his gender. The friend immediately called the anti-violence centre in our city to speak up against the abuse, and got me in touch with a lawyer to send him a legal warning preceding a restraining order. I was afraid to involve higher authorities, still defending him, I justified for him and said he won't show up again. Well, he did. And I opened the door, let him in (shaking, crying, begging him asking why he returned), but I was so touch-starved, so anhedonic before seeing him, it all seemed to ride up in his presence. I felt addicted to his scent, his touch, his company and I simply did not have the heart to make him go. I wanted to be made love to because I so badly just wanted to f*ing feel something. The friend I'd confided in heard of his arrival and came to my house to confront me and him, ask him why he was there. My abuser threw a fit and realised I had somebody I could trust, so he made sure I was isolated soon.

I lost that friend, and another one to his cheap tricks. He befriended the people I was trying to be close to and told them I abused him, I ill-treated him, manipulated him, lied to him, and made him have sex with me. For a few days, I had a difficult time living with myself. I also forgot to mention, every time that I would try to ask him to leave the house or stop talking to him, he would threaten to kill himself. A major part of why I stayed initially was because he had abandonment anxiety, had been the victim in all his stories, and had two failed suicide attempts. After I tried initially to go no contact with him (sans legal warning) he called me to inform me he was unwell and in the city at the station. Said he would do something soon, and I was extremely afraid so I brought him home, I coddled him, took care of him and sent him off the next day. Two days later, he informed me he had tried to jump into a river and been hurt from it, eventually saying I made him do it.

I have lived in the fear of death my whole life, and my abuser knew all of it so very well - he used this endlessly.

So I hear that I am responsible for his (almost) death, he speaks to anyone who remotely knows me to tell them I am a sad excuse of a human being that he wants to rid of, all the while receiving loving, tender emails from him saying he loves me more than anything and how his life would be nothing without me. It really hurt me when he told my only two friends of our sex life, he knows I am an extremely private person who hates to share any intimate details. (I must mention, I had to mention to these friends I was getting sexually abused - there is a difference between the narratives we are sharing. He was flaunting the fact that I would make him have sex with me, while I had to very curtly and briefly mention I am being abused. It hurts me to have to explain this, but I have been called a hypocrite for doing it.)

I eventually decided to send the legal warrant when I heard what he said about me. For ten days, I let him rot. I said nothing, I came back home, I left all of his things at his friend's (the friend who was actually supposed to be a friend of mine, he's my classmate) and I felt absolutely ready to stay that way. On the tenth day, I get a call from said friend who shares how things seem to be getting better, and how proud he is of my abuser to have taken it all so well. I felt proud too, but felt like I missed him and I wanted to empathise with him, get better together perhaps? I don't know why, but I called him, and it felt like blood rushed into me for the first time in weeks. I hadn't felt any strong emotions, and I have felt absolutely nothing sexually since we stopped talking, but suddenly it felt like everything could get better if only there was a way we could stay in touch. I talked to him and I asked him to keep the phonecall between us, because I started to feel like anything him and I spoke of was just ammunition to him to use against me and speak to other people.

He said he would, but now nobody from my city will speak to me. I don't know if it's my paranoia, but I have a feeling he lied to me, yet again, and spoke to more people. I cannot confirm or deny this at the moment because nobody spoke to me, but I have a sinking feeling when I think of going back to the city where he is. I hate it there, I study the subject of my dreams there and I don't hate my course, but I simply have no energy left in me to rebuild. I am tired, thinking of giving it up, dropping out and never going back. I am completely isolated there, and he makes sure that I stay that way. Going no contact with him is difficult for me because he became the only friend I had, I have nobody to talk to and everyone I speak to just thinks it is my mistake to let him get this far. Which it is, but it has never been black and white enough to just understand I need to cut him off and then actually be able to do it. I cannot speak to family here, I have no friends left, and I am lonelier than I have ever been in my life. I used to be a charismatic, lively person. Now I feel nothing, I like nothing, I have no motivation for anything anymore. I don't know how to go back. I have about a week left before I must return, and the thought of returning is making me sleepless and I can't stop crying. I found out about this forum on Quora, and I thought I'd try before it all finally goes to shit. I don't know if I have it in me to fight him, he's already won.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG. I am so sorry to read your story.

It is not uncommon for people to face a conflict of this sort: "I know that ought to do A, but A is hard so I am doing B." Reducing it to those terms seems unfair, but it is the essence.'

When a person sexually assaults you repeatedly, and a person lies about you over and over again, and when those lies are targeted to isolate and control you, that person is a bad person and ought no longer be in your life. You know all that. The problem is that they can be so good at controlling and manipulating you that you feel unable to do the hard thing.

Consult our Toolbox for the following principles you need in your life.

• My Stuff / Your Stuff - It is strange and unusual for anyone to repeatedly threaten suicide over a lover's routine behavior. Anyone's reaction to you this THEIR stuff. Your job is only to behave ethically, and in ways likely to further your well-being.
• The 51% Rule - You need to care always just a tad bit more for yourself than you do for others. This is essential to your self-care. It cannot possibly be that we all spend most of our time on others.
  
• The 50% Rule - This one is TOUGH medicine. It says -- it acknowledges -- that we are responsible for HALF of everything that goes on in a relationship. Maybe we don't feel morally responsible because we were tricked or coerced, or had a long family history of whatever. But nonetheless, we must stay responsible for our half of the relationship. We have choices to make, both about what we will do, and what we will engage with. We should never be shamed for our mistakes or our moments of weakness, but it is a liberating challenge to be reminded that we own our own fate.

I swear I do not believe we all must be strong at all times. I don't believe it is easy. I would never ridicule you for the challenges you've had before or face now. But it sounds like you know what is good for you. So please consider this next step, after reading up in the Toolbox.

• Make a written list of things you know are true: like, this man can be counted on to mistreat you and has little record of doing better
• Make a written list of things you know are NOT true: like, you are not responsible for this man's fits of threatening self-harm
• Write down 5 things you know you ought to do about this, but struggle with because they are so very hard

With those in hand, consider this: every morning you'll read these lists. And you will simply DO the hard thing. I know, right? It is ridiculous to make it sound like it is so easy. Because of course it isn't. But here is the deal. If you KNOW you shouldn't engage with a destructive person, no amount of family history or personal issues makes it BETTER for you to cave in. It will always be better to stand firm on what you intend. It will be hard. I know. I'll let others propose more tactics for bolstering your strength and resolve. But I swear, it will never do you any good to waver from what you know is right.

If you want to be with this guy, you wouldn't need to post about it. If you don't, then make it your solemn promise to yourself to move on with resolve. It's your decision: it is your 50% you're responsible for, it is your 51% you owe yourself, and it is Your Stuff only that you need to deal with or own.

I believe you can find this strength in you, and I think it will make you happier. Good luck.

Be good. Be strong.