Introduction: exhausted OCPD spouse

[Lyrebird]

Hi all First up, thanks for being here, it's been so tough. I love my OCPD hubby and I know it's not his fault.

But the 'OCPD paradox' is killing me: he's so anxiously perfect he thinks he doesn't need help.

2015
My gorgeous and fun husband (now 22 years married) became obsessively anxious about our then healthy yet sensitive 10yo daughter, because he was 'the fat kid at school'. More robot than fun dad , he tried to control her food. My 2 girlfriends and I warned him he'll give her an eating disorder and issues. Her Year 5 teacher called me and said she cried in class that her "dad was verbally abusing her". THE RESULT? He ignored our warnings, dug his head in the sand and continued his harmful behaviour. All this, even though he's a 'self-confessed anal retentive'.

2016
After 1.5 years of misguided expensive marriage therapy - all the while I've 'diagnosed' him with OCPD - he gaslights saying I'm the issue. Meanwhile I meditate, question myself, own my mistakes and work to improve.
I've been patient for years with him, but now I realise he only listens when I create an emergency bigger than the anxiety in his mind: essentially I have to order him to "pack his bags" for him to hear my pleas.
Meanwhile our 11yo daughter becomes angry, defiant, her grades slip and she continues expensive therapy. When I try to control her phone time, she threatens suicide.

2017
I split with him because protecting my daughter from his harmful abuse is more important than me being with my soulmate.

He says "what do I have to do to prove I'll change?" so I make him do a 10-day meditation course.
Meanwhile, the $hit child therapist trains us not to give her consequences.

2018
We realise the child psychologist is milking us and go elsewhere: our poor, beautiful, daughter is diagnosed with 'severe depression' and ADHD (our 13yo son just got an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis). She also now has bulemia. She verbally abuses me and physically attacked me when I took her phone from her for not taking her ADHD meds. The police are called, I get an Apprehended Violence Order on her, the courts give us free holistic family psychological support.

NOW
She's 16, vapes, smokes pot, fainted and fractured her knee - the psychologist are concerned her bulemia caused the fainting but she refuses to talk or get checked up. A few weeks ago I decide my hubby owes her an apology: he needs to own his OCPD, admit he was an arseh0le to her about food, and that he likely caused her food issues.
But it makes him anxious... and he just won't.
Worse still, there are NO OCPD specialists in Australia - they only seem to know about OCD. Any recommendations? We can use Telehealth.

HOW AM I NOW?
I feel exhausted , unheard, gaslit, and triggered when he doesn't listen all over again.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh! I am so sorry Lyrebird. Welcome to this safe and supportive community.
It sounds like your OCPDh is very much still in your life and continues to influence your daughter.  You sound like a strong and resourceful woman. You might want to put some boundaries to the kind of behaviour you tolerate from your daughter and your husband.
Have you read the Toolbox? You might also find the book 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist' by Fjelstad enlightening. Do you have support in real life? I got a lot of strength from attending CoDA meetings.
You are dealing with two different issues at the same time. The one is your husband. You cannot change him. You can only change your response to his behaviour. For that the Toolbox will give you some strategies.
The other is your kids and the damage they have suffered. Your daughter sounds like she has some problems regulating her emotions. Quite normal for teenagers, but you can help her. And you can model healthy behaviour for her. Good boundaries, good self care.
You are not alone! We understand how difficult your situation is and how lonely one sometimes feels. See you around on the boards.

[Down_the.rabbit.hole]

Hello Lyrebird,

The situation with your husband and family doesn't sound pleasant I'm glad that you're catching on and wanting to find change (sometimes people like to dwell on sadness and can't find the desire for change). Telehealth is a great way to communicate with therapist from different places, have you looked at Psychology Today? There's a bunch of therapists that are able to do telehealth services. Although finding the right therapist within your price range can be a bit tricky at times. I don't have any experience with being a mother and wife so I can't provide input (although I'm not sure I should provide any input, maybe you want to feel heard right now). Regarding your daughter (I know how it's like not being able to regulate emotions properly and self destruction is something I know all too well) I'm pretty sure she feels lost and overwhelmed as well. The best advice (unsolicited so take it however you will) is provide a way she can invision future for herself. I think something to build towards for her might make her realize that the path she's taking isn't fun and that maybe there's more to life than being sad or in pain. Eating disorders aren't something I've mastered yet myself but once you know there's more to life than food and body figures the world seems a bit more open and hopeful. Help her find ways to explore her creativity or help her discover herself. Just do whatever you're doing (nurture and love) and one day she's realize that she is also ready for change. Taking her phone away sucks but I know when I'm away from my phone it makes me think about the thoughts I'm avoiding. I hope the opinions and information regarding the telehealth therapists helps Thank you for sharing your story